I was blessed by God and born with very curly hair (as well as the insane ability to give great head!).  I mean I must have done something really incredible in my past life to be granted the honor of having to manage and care for my hair.  CURLY!  FRIZZY! UNMANAGEABLE!  And unless you have curly hair, only you can truly understand the burden that has been bestowed upon me.

Please….do not sit there reading this and try to tell me that its not that bad!  Do not tell me that curly hair is gorgeous!  NOOOOOO…mine isn’t gorgeous!!  Its big and puffy and frizzy and curly and has caused me so much pain and anguish growing up that I have been forever scarred and have not seen my hair curly since the age of 15.

What scarred me for life?  Let me tell you….

CHIA-PETS!

Those mean, nasty, smelly boys that I grew up with, decided in the 6th grade that my poofy frizzy curly hair resembled a fully grown Chia-Pet, so for MONTHS, they sang the jingle from the commercial “Cha Cha Cha Chia!”

Here is an actual commercial for your enjoyment (and my humiliation).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o92wNzZgQeE

Before Chia-Pets became a part of my every day life and were just weird planters that you could buy in pharmacies and give as gifts to people you really didn’t like, I was completely unfazed by my hair.  But once the chanting started I cried all the time and didn’t want to go to school. It was the first time I started to hate my hair and wished that I had straight hair.

For the past 15+ years I have perfected the art of hair straightening and I have never gone back to curly. With the new straightening irons available and great leave-in conditioners most people today would not even know that I have super curly hair.

To this day, when I hear the Chia Pet jingle on TV or see those little fuckers on a shelf in CVS I cringe.  Trust me, you do not want to sing that jingle in my presence, I may kill you.

So now tell me….any resemblance?

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One year of successful Jenny Craig – CHECK

Quit smoking – CHECK

Teeth straightened – CHECK

First “real” boyfriend since high school – CHECK (pathetic I know)

I WAS ON FIRE…………… Well, as “on fire” as I was capable of being!  However, this fire stayed lit for longer than it should have with a hell of a lot less heat. But, like all relationships, you always learn from them…………….

I met my boyfriend Brian on Jdate in December 2006 (I was 26). A “Jdate” turned into a for real relationship?!?!?!!? Who knew this was possible? Brian was everything I was looking for: smart, good looking (in that geeky Jewish lawyer kind of way), he had a good job, he was funny but most importantly, he liked me, which didn’t happen very often.

Brian was my first real relationship since my senior year of high school, and I was in love.  I schlepped to Hoboken a few times a week to spend time with him at his apt.  This was not inconvenient for me in the slightest – no no no! I thoroughly enjoyed the laborious trek to Hoboken from the Upper East Side, dog in tow, who I had to bring with me if I was staying more than a night.

Sex with Brian was okay. (I use the word okay loosely)

Smart Brian must have caught on at some point that I was not getting as stimulated as he might have hoped.

So, like any diligent Jewish lawyer, he found a website that gave him directions on how to make a girl cum vaginally from manual stimulation.  Basically, he finger-fucked me extremely fast.  Awesome! (One day I will have to find the creator of that website and sue him for PTVS, post-traumatic vaginal syndrome, maybe I will send him a fruit basket…. Or a bomb) My body’s reaction to this fast rhythmic finger-fucking was not an orgasm unfortunately, but it did give me another sensation, it made me want to pee. Not orgasm but pee.  Fabulous! I had my very own for real Jdate lawyer boyfriend who could make me smile, weep, and have the urge to pee uncontrollably while we were having sex. I really had it together, 26 winner winner chicken dinner. When I would stop Brian mid thrust to tell him to stop or I’d urinate in his bed, he said that this sensation was exactly what I should have been feeling, as per the website, and that I just needed to let my body go.  Trust me, if I had “let go” like he wanted me to, I would have pissed him, me, and his flannel bedding that I am still convinced was purchased by a) his mother b) his sister or c) his grandmother’s gift to him for Hanukkah. Most nights ended with him cumming and me masturbating with the fear that I would pee the bed and ruin Hanukkah for both of us forever.

Lessons learned from the relationship:

1) Incorrect use of finger-fucking is as exciting as being a victim of water-boarding

2) I should have peed all over that douchebag

The _ _ _ Hour Cleanse!

November 12, 2012

I was tossing and turning all night last night because I was so excited about the cleanse.  I normally lay in bed thinking about all of the sex I’m not having so it was a nice change to think about something else.  I woke up bright and early at 6am and was ready to juice.

The juicer was amazing.  It was easy to use and as a first time juicer it was pretty much idiot proof.  It took me 30 minutes to juice the two drinks and clean the machine twice.

Unfortunately, as I started juicing, especially the Mean Green Juice, the smell started to emanate from the container, my stomach started to turn, and I began to realize that I wasn’t going to be able to do this.  The juice really smelled horrible.

I sat on the bus for 30 minutes headed to work and the entire time I was talking myself into the cleanse.  As much as I told myself I could do it, I knew it would be impossible.  I arrived at work and poured the green concoction into a glass filled with ice and took a sip.  This juice was definitely one of the worst things I have ever put into my mouth.  And trust me, I do not say this lightly.  I’ve had my fair share of nasty sweaty smelly boy parts in and around my mouth and those tasted like chocolate covered bananas and strawberries compared to what this Mean Green Juice tasted like.  Now I know why its called “Mean.”

One sip of the Mean Green Juice and one sip of the Beet-Apple-Carrot Juice and I knew that this was as far as I could go with the cleanse.  I didn’t want to break the news to Stella since she liked the juice she made so I just sat in my office pretending to be drinking but instead I was trying to figure out how I could sneak egg whites on whole wheat toast into the office without Stella knowing.  I was also trying to figure out what to do with a $200 juicer!

At approximately 9:38am (I got into work at 8:30am) Stella walked into my office.  I was waiting for her to yell at me to drink the juice.  I couldn’t even look at her.  It was written all over my face that I wasn’t putting one more drop of this liquid shit into my mouth.  But instead she told me that she was done.  Between the time it took her to juice, the cuts on her fingers from cleaning the juicer, the calorie count for the fruits and vegetables and the hunger pains that couldn’t be ignored, Stella realized that to lose a few pounds she would be better off just eating healthy and exercising.  Yay!!  She was done so I was off the hook!

So, I made it through a one hour juice cleanse.  Although I dumped the cleanse I did eat exceptionally healthy today which I plan on continuing because I do need to lose weight.  But the juice cleanse just wasn’t for me.  I spent a total of $231.  Of course I don’t like wasting money but I’ve lost more money in my lifetime so I’m trying not to regret the attempt.  I plan on keeping the juicer and lending it out if anyone needs it.  I also plan on juicing the remaining fruits and vegetables for someone at work who thought the juice was delicious so the food won’t go to waste.

The cleanse was a complete failure but I’m glad we tried something new.

What’s next Stella?

I recently quit smoking (for the 2nd time) and gained as of today 8 lbs.  41 days as a non-smoker and unfortunately but not surprisingly, as a result, 8 lbs. have been added to a body that can’t afford another pound let alone another 8 lbs.  Now, instead of needing to lose 30 lbs. I need to lose 40 lbs.  Awesome!

Every day at work, I bitch and moan to my assistant Stella (who is also a very close friend) about how fat and ugly I feel and then proceed to eat horribly all day which includes stuffing pieces of chocolate into my mouth that I don’t even like, but that I eat, because its there. The frustating part is that I know how to eat healthy.  I know how to maintain a 1200 calorie diet and exercise but to be honest I just haven’t been in the mood.  Food is comfort for me.  I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad and also when I’m bored.  I also really like food and enjoy going out to eat or ordering in.  My problem however is rather than eat half or a quarter of my meal like I know I should, I eat everything that’s on my plate because it tastes delicious and because its there.

In addition to my love for food, it also doesn’t help that right now, I’m down in the dumps about my love life (I don’t have one) and instead of finding something to do at night to keep my mind busy, I go home after work, eat dinner (lately nothing healthy), drink a glass of wine (or two), feel sorry for myself, and sit on the couch watching TV waiting for it to get late enough to go to bed.  Sometimes this battle in my head where I’m telling myself its too early to go to bed starts as early as 7pm.  Thankfully, I’m still sane enough to know that you shouldn’t go to bed before 9pm when you are 32 years old.  And yes, even 9pm is pathetic, I know!

So last week, I think Stella had enough of my self loathing pity party and while I stuffed another left over Halloween candy (I’m pretty sure it was a mini Twix) into my double-chinned face she suggested, “How about we do a cleanse?” I have never in my life thought of doing a cleanse and had no idea what it entailed.  I think of cleanse and I think of starvation, diarrhea and misery, but since I was so tired of myself, my body, my bitching, and my laziness I said, “OK, which one?”

Stella offered up the Master Cleanse which is a hardcore cleanse only consisting of a “lemonade” concoction made of water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lemon.  I knew right away that I couldn’t manage this cleanse.  I have a hard time drinking water because I don’t like the taste (YES! Water has a taste!) and I’m rarely thirsty, and function most days on a cup of coffee and a can of diet coke (healthy I know). The thought of drinking this “lemonade” made me gag so I knew I couldn’t do this type of cleanse.  We then googled “detox cleanses” and saw that we could do a juicing cleanse.  I definitely think this type of cleanse will be more manageable for me.  But then I remember that although I LOVE V8 juice, I can’t stand to drink the low sodium V8 juice.  Oy, I think I’m in trouble.

In order to juice you need a juicer, which of course I didn’t have.  I bought the Breville, Juice Fountain Multi-Speed Juicer (http://www.brevilleusa.com/food-preparation/juicers/juice-fountain-multi-speed.html) for $199.99.  I basically bought this juicer because it was the only juicer in the store that wasn’t a piece of junk and wasn’t a fortune.  I wasn’t willing to purchase a juicer for $400 when I’ve never done this before and may not be able to last more than an hour.  And, when I asked the sales woman about a few of the cheaper juicers ($80 – $100) she made a face that I will probably make when I take my first sip tomorrow, so the Breville won since a $200 investment is something I can rationalize.  Once I got my juicer home, I went to the Breville website and read up on my new purchase.  It appears to be a good juicer, keeping the juice temperatures low (which is important so that the enzymes and micronutrients stay intact – whatever that means) and they claim that up to 70% of the nutrients are juiced right into the glass.  I also went on Amazon and saw that out of 620 reviews, 458 gave 5 stars.  This looks promising.  Tomorrow morning I start juicing so I will let you know if I made a smart purchase.

To get me started I bought the following fruits and veggies today:

3 beets, 4 lemons, 1 large ginger root, 1 bag of celery, A bunch of Kale, 2 large cucumbers, 5 large carrot sticks, 4 red apples (Figi), 4 green apples (Granny smith)

Image

This grocery run cost me $29.15.  I live in NYC so food prices are generally high.  This could get expensive since I’m thinking that what I bought today may only get me through tomorrow.  I’ll see how it goes and how much juice I get from the different items.  Most of the juicing websites tell you to buy organic fruits and vegetables.  I didn’t today, but if I last more than a day I may buy organic tomorrow.  Not sure how much it matters.

I printed out a bunch of recipes from the web.  I’m too worried about hating the taste to just throw together ingredients and experiment so I figured I’d try recipes already tested by fellow juicers.

For breakfast tomorrow I will make:  Mean Green Juice (original) – This recipe came from Joe Cross’ Reboot Your Life Website (http://www.jointhereboot.com/):

6 Kale Leaves, 1 Cucumber, 4 Celery Stalks, 2 Green Apples, ½ Lemon, 1 piece of Ginger

For lunch tomorrow I will make:  Beet-Apple-Carrot Juice – This recipe came from XOJane.com (http://www.xojane.com/diy/do-it-yourself-at-home-juice-cleanse):

1 Beet, 1 Carrot Stick, 2 Red Apples

I’m waking up early tomorrow to juice for breakfast and lunch.  I can’t juice at work so I’m hoping that what I juice in the morning will taste good a few hours later for lunch.  I know its more beneficial to drink the juice immediately for its full nutrients but that just can’t happen when I’m at work.  I already separated and cleaned the fruits and veggies I’m using tomorrow morning.  I’m hoping I will have fun tomorrow and won’t bitch that I had to wake up an hour early to do it.  Happy thoughts!  Happy juicing thoughts!

I don’t expect to cleanse for too long.  I’m hoping to make it 3 days (very unlikely), would love to make it 5 days (virtually impossible) and would go nuts if I made it a full week (unbelievable and no one would believe me even if I did!).  I’m VERY worried about finding the juice absolutely disgusting.  If this is the case, I’ll probably just fast tomorrow and say I did a one-day cleanse which isn’t saying much since I just did this on Yom Kippur.

I’m excited to try something new and I hope I lose enough weight to make me feel good again and motivates me to start eating healthy and exercising again.  Stella is also cleansing so hopefully we can help motivate each other like we did when we quit smoking.

It’s 11pm – past my bedtime!!!!  Gnite!  Tomorrow, I juice!

Welcome to WinterInNYC!

November 11, 2012

This blog is dedicated to every woman who looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what she sees, hates bathing suit season, wishes she had more money in the bank, hates that she has to rent because she can’t afford to own, loves her family but feels like an outsider, is sad that she gave her heart to a man who broke it, hates online dating, wishes smoking was healthy, wishes that dirty martinis had no calories, is afraid she will be alone forever, has laughed so hard she’s cried, or has cried so hard she’s laughed.

If at any time you would like to ask me a question, tell me a secret or ask me out on a date please feel free to email me at WinterInNYCBlog@gmail.com.

Thank you for reading!