I don’t have a celebrity look-alike and I kinda wish I did!!!  I think it would be awesome for people to tell me “Wow!! You look just like Kim Kardashian” or “You could be Megan Fox’s twin!” OK – maybe I’m shooting too high!!!

Several years ago, after giving up on JHate.com and NotMyMatch.com I decided to try ANOTHER dating website.  EharmonyAlsoSucks.com allows members to hide their pictures so that you can work on making an emotional connection, not just a physical one.  Before someone will show you their picture, you have to go back and forth asking each other questions.  It’s awesome because at any point during this question/answer exchange you can hit reject on the screen and the other person is notified that you hate them!

Here are some examples of questions you have to answer (because these are the BEST questions to ask when you are trying to find someone to date/marry/fuck):

Q: What three things would you bring on a deserted island? (This is their secret way of finding out how “normal” you are!)

My A: A vibrator, lube and a carton of cigarettes.

Q: What is your ideal date? (This is their secret way of finding out how little money they need to shell out to get you to go out with them!)

My A:  A guy who is not married, pays, doesn’t have bad breath, has hands that are bigger than mine, knows how to kiss, tall enough to see past my nipples and asks me questions about myself…a decent sized penis would also be great!

Q: What would you do for a living if money wasn’t an issue?  (This is their secret way of finding out if you have a good heart and would be charitable or selfish and possibly a gold digger!)

My A: Ummmm…..Nothing!!!  I would sit at home all day watching the Price is Right and Let’s Make a Deal.  I’d order take-out and shop online in between my porn watching and masturbation marathons!

Q: What is your favorite food?  (This is their secret way to try to find out if you are a fat fuck….they are hoping you answer this question with “fruits, steamed veggies, tofu and brown rice!”)

My A: Anything that falls in the carb category.  Since I’m a fat fuck I love bread, cheese with bread, butter with bread, bagels, pizza, anything Mexican and of course dirty martinis with 3 fat olives.

And finally….my absolute favorite question when trying to figure out if we are made for each other…

Q: Who is your celebrity look-alike? (This is their secret way to try to find out what you look like because let’s be real, looks do matter!!! You’re not gonna fuck a Sasquatch!!!)

My A: Ummmm, I really don’t look like anyone in particular.  I guess the closet celeb I can think of is Patty Stanger (before she starting using Sensa).

Patti Stanger!!! Really!!! That’s the best I can do???

So anyway, what prompted this post was a picture I had taken in Italy in 2007.  Robin and I were waiting on a very long line to get a glimpse of the Sistine Chapel.  We got on the line and for about 2 hours we walked and weaved our way through the museum to get to the grand finale.  About an hour into the waiting/walking I looked up and saw a painting that actually stopped me in my tracks.  It was a painting of Jesus, with a nun…. and I kid you not….the nun was me!!!!

Take a look….

Jesus

   Close up of my twin….

052

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to tell you, seeing this painting was fucking freaky!  This is my face!!!  Tell me she doesn’t look like me!!!!!!!

So now I do have a celebrity look-alike – St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, born in 1647!!  She even has her own Wikipedia page!!!

I feel so much better now….

BTW – The answers above are not all of my real answers….of course.  For example, I’d probably leave home the lube and work on making a lubricant from fish oil and coconut milk and instead I’d bring a Jodi Picoult novel to help pass the time.

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This past spring I was restless.  I was bored.  I needed to do something with my life!!  I thought a vacation could be fun especially since my last vacation was with my then boyfriend….and while on the trip I found out he was cheating on me….so the relationship ended….before the vacation ended.  It was AWESOME!!!

Since I was single, I figured I should look into a singles tour group.  I’d get away and maybe meet some new friends.

I found a great singles travel site and they were offering tons of trips but I was ecstatic when I saw that they had a trip to Israel in late August.  I had always wanted to visit Israel, and like a shmuck, I regrettably missed out on the birthright trip.

I was scared shitless to take a trip by myself, to Israel, with a bunch of strangers.  I was going, then I wasn’t going, then I was going.  This went on for several weeks.  And then finally I said FUCK IT!!   I’m going – what’s the worst that can happen (besides getting blown up on a bus)?? Even if I hate the people I’m with I’ll be seeing Israel!!!!

I had the time of my life!!!  It was by far the best trip I had ever been on.  I laughed for 10 straight days, saw places I had been dreaming about seeing AND I met some great friends (shout out to Dr. Habibi and The Best Tour Guide for Israel!!!)

Now I don’t know if when people say things they are trying to be insulting or if they just don’t think before they speak and say things that turn out to be rude.  You be the judge…

One day we were in Jerusalem eating in the Jewish Quarter.  Dr. Habibi and I decided to get falafel sandwiches and two other group members joined us.

This sandwich was by no means BIG. It was a standard size pita bread filled with falafel and hummus and veggies.   It was delicious!!!!

Dr. Habibi and I were enjoying our meal and another female in our group (who put nothing in her mouth the entire 10 days except for beer and penis) was holding her “GIGANTIC” sandwich and about 6 times commented on “HOW BIG THIS SANDWICH IS!!!”  Over and over and over again, she kept telling everyone how HUGE it was and how FULL she was and how she couldn’t eat another bite!!!

As I’m forced to listen to her anorexic rant, I continue to eat and SHOCKER….I ate the whole goddamn thing.  How??  Because it tasted great and it was only one fucking pita.  The anorexic ate about a quarter of her sandwich, put it back on her plate and told the entire group how STUFFED she was!  I think she actually rubbed her stomach while she said this!!

Hey anorexic girl….if you don’t want to eat….then don’t fucking eat!!  But stop making it out like I’m a fat slob because I can eat a whole sandwich.  WOAH!!!

It didn’t stop there, later that night, we were deciding where to eat for dinner and the 2 bite sandwich eater made ANOTHER comment that she couldn’t even think about dinner since she was still full from lunch!

I personally think, she knew what she was doing.  It’s fucking rude to make comments about the size of your plate and your inability to eat all of it when others at the table already ate theirs!!!  You think I’m a fat fuck…That’s FINE.  I’m on vacation bitch!!!  I’m going to eat my falafel sandwich….ALL OF IT….and love it!!

My sandwich…                                      Her sandwich…

Pita.1                          Pita.2

Needless to say she was my least favorite person on the trip!

So the finger-fucker and I were entering our 7th month together (my longest relationship ever – go me! – not counting my relationship with my vibrator of course) and I decided it was time to plan a weekend get-away.

All I had ever dreamed about was taking a vacation with a boyfriend. A little packing, a little road head and we would be headed off to champagne shaped bathtubs. Over a bottle of wine and chocolate dipped strawberries, Brian would look into my eyes and tell me he loved me. It had been 7 months – you should fucking love me already!!!!!!!!!

Every time I brought up to Brian that I’d like to go somewhere with him he either dodged the subject or told me that work was busy and he couldn’t commit yet. Dude, you’re a 1st year associate at a NJ law firm, get over yourself!

Then one day Brian breaks the news that he booked a trip to France with a guy friend from college. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????? You have an opportunity to go away with your girlfriend, who blows you every night, and pays for half of your meals and yet you choose to travel to France, with a guy, for 10 days!!! Jesus, am I really that bad at blow jobs??? (..uh for real…that’s not even possible!)

You know what? Go on your damn man trip – I’ll go to Italy with Robin and show you that I’m not needy and insecure and I’ll ignore the fact that you’re never going to love me.

I was so full of it. Part of the reason why I went away was because I knew that if I had stayed home I would have been completely miserable, checking my phone for missed calls or logging into Gmail 50 times a day to see if he had emailed me, (yes, I’m that girl). So instead of being in NYC checking my phone and Gmail account I did it in Italy!!!

For one whole week I roamed Florence and Rome, BITTER! Glaring and making faces (like I just smelled shit) at all of the loving couples vacationing together in such a romantic place. I should be here holding Brian’s hands…..not stuffing gelato into my face with Robin!!

I risked life and limb trying to locate hole in the wall Internet cafes so that I could email Brian and check if he emailed me. I literally walked the streets of Rome, in the dark, with a map in my hands – I was one café away from being casted for Hostel 3. Do you know that the douchebag only wrote me 2 one liner emails the entire time he was away when his travel buddy had a working blackberry the entire time they were in France? He easily could have checked his email and written me everyday if he wanted to…for free.

The signs were adding up and yet I still hoped and prayed he was the one. To add to my pathetic behavior, I had asked Brian before he left for vacation to give me a piece of clothing with his cologne on it so that I could smell him and be reminded of him while we were away from each other (I gag as I write this and hate my 26 year old self so very much!). What piece of garment did he give me??? Guess…come on guess….

***BOXERS***

…..Robin can attest to the fact that for 7 nights in Italy, I fell asleep sniffing a pair of Brian’s underwear. Not creepy/ stalker/ insane girlfriend status at all. Totally normal.

The only good thing about your boyfriend going away on vacation without you are the gifts he returns with for you! I walked the streets of Italy searching for the perfect gift for him and decided on a silk tie and heart shaped pasta (I should have given him shit stuffed ravioli but I didn’t know this at the time, fuck I am always a second too late, ever feel like that?).

Below is the actual box that yes, I have kept for the past 6 years…STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Paperweight Box

Soooo what does a guy buy his girlfriend when he travels to France? A scarf? Perfume? Jewelry?  Not my boyfriend!! Not my finger-fucking non-NYC lawyer who chooses penis over vagina. No, my boyfriend hands me a box filled with….ready…..drum roll please……………

A PAPERWEIGHT!!!!

Paperweight

Come on…is this not the most romantic gift?

As you can see, it was a glass cube, with a dolphin etched inside of it. This fucker isn’t French, it’s not romantic, it isn’t nice and for the record I don’t like dolphins. I’m not a dolphin collector!! There is no way he stood in a store, saw this piece of shit sitting on a shelf and said to himself, “Wow, now that’s what I have to buy my awesome girlfriend!!!” Instead, he probably picked this piece of shit present up – at the airport – in Newark…..in Newark? Like hello? Not even JFK or LaGuardia, how rude… I mean I am from NY asshole.

Needless to say, Brian broke up with me about two weeks later.

As with most of my break-ups I was devastated. No eating (this was  a good thing), no desire to hang out with friends – the normal post relationship suicidal thoughts. I was upset that I had to start over and hated myself for ignoring all of the signs!!!

Some of the signs that I ignored that you shouldn’t…

Refusing to take a trip with me – Never introducing me to his family – Telling me in front of 10 other people that I needed to get on the treadmill if I ate that cupcake – Flaccid penis on more than one occasion.

Ladies – Don’t ignore the signs!

My love life this year has been SHIT!!!.  A bad bad bad break-up in March basically followed with 2 bad blind dates from JHate.com and then an on again off again Gchat relationship for nearly 6 months that left me confused, pissed off and horny (6 months and we never went out on one date!).  I’m so sad and love-less that I don’t even have a face to masturbate to anymore.  That’s when you know you’ve hit rock bottom in the love department.

But then November 28th happened…

After another hectic day at work, Stella and I decided to grab a drink at our local bar.  One dirty martini down and I noticed this super hot tall dark handsome man standing next to us.

I was trying to get the bartenders attention for another round and this hottie helped me.  I thanked him, and we began chatting.

The whole time we’re talking I’m thinking, Holy fuck he’s hot!  Holy fuck he’s young (26)! Holy fuck is he interested in me???  Holy fuck I’d love to kiss this man but he’s way too young and hot for me!!!

We found out that he normally works on a cruise ship but that he would be staying in NY for 2 years working on a project for the cruise line.  He was super sweet, ordered us drinks, asked us lots of questions…a really really sweet guy.

4 hours later Stella decided to head out…apparently she sensed a love connection that I was too clueless to notice.  We left the bar a few minutes later and as we were walking to his building….he kissed me!  We made out on the sidewalk for awhile…it was fantastic!!!

He didn’t want me to leave, I didn’t want to go…but I did because I’m an ASSHOLE.

He texted me while I was in the cab and told me to text him when I got home.  He even texted Stella and told her that he put me in a cab!  Come on!!!!  So SWEET!!! And did I mention HOT!!!!  He’s a fucking HOT Turkish Man!!!!

He called me the next day and asked to see me.  And AGAIN I was an asshole and asked if we could hang out the next day (Friday).  I’m not just an asshole, I’m a FUCKING asshole.  I bet you are all screaming at your screen right now saying “What the fuck is wrong with you?!?!?!?”

It was 8pm and instead of just getting dressed and seeing him, I was thinking about how I’d be tired at work the next day and how much better the date would be on a Friday night.

So Friday was the big date!!!!  I texted him around 2pm to confirm and he texted back that his company called him back to Miami…that day….and that he was already at the airport.  He was needed back on the cruise ship…ASAP!  He didn’t know if/when he would be back in NY.  😦

I was crushed.  I actually cried in my office for a good 10 minutes, feeling so sorry for myself, hating my life, believing that God hates me and REGRETTING the fact that I didn’t see him the night before!!!!

If you learn anything from this post….let it be that you don’t say “No” when a hot sweet man asks to see you!  GO!  Don’t worry about being tired for work! Don’t worry about playing hard to get….it all means nothing!!!  Live in the moment….I didn’t and it sucks!

So he’s back on the ship.  He misses me, I miss him and yet we only met for 4 hours.

We have been emailing each other when the ship is out to sea.  We text and talk on the phone when he has service which is only every Saturday and every other Tuesday…

The 1st week he was gone he called me from one of the islands and asked if I would consider coming down for a cruise.  Ummmm….hell yeah!!!  My family doesn’t want me to go. They think I’ll be sold into sex slavery (I keep telling them I’m too old and not nearly hot enough for them to be worried about that!!!).

I’m hoping to go on a cruise in January…I’m waiting for more details and praying he doesn’t forget about me or lose interest before then…..

I could use a vacation as well as a week away with a hot, sweet guy who thinks I’m beautiful.

I’ll keep you posted!!!