Well everyone….my Turkish Delight either fell off of the cruise ship he was working on which has prevented him from calling, texting or emailing me for almost 3 weeks….OR….I was just dumped.

Besides the fact that he went from texting and calling me every Saturday to not texting or calling at all – I knew I was in trouble when my semi-dirty email went unanswered. I mean really….what 27 year old guy doesn’t respond favorably to an email where sex is the undertone?

I let a full two weeks go by before I allowed myself to give up all hope….Yeah, kinda pathetic but you need to take into consideration that he was on a ship, without a working phone and it was Christmas and New Years….a very busy time on a cruise ship!!!

I thought about emailing him something rude and then I figured what’s the point? Why be nasty to a guy that I will probably never see again??? He’s not a bad guy. This was just an impossible “relationship” that was built off of 4 tipsy hours. Unfortunately, the minute he got called back to Florida we were doomed.

Then I thought about sending him a nice “I understand…no hard feelings” email but every time I sat down to send it I felt like a total loser. He probably doesn’t think about me. He made it clear he doesn’t want to talk to me. He definitely won’t write back to me so why send him an email and then spend another week checking my emails incessantly in the hopes of getting a response?

So instead I’m sending my thoughts out through the Universe….through my blog!

To My Turkish Delight – I am not mad….just a little sad. I believe there is a reason why people come into ours lives….whether you know them for 40 years, 4 years or 4 hours. I’m glad I met you. Thank you for reminding me that men still buy women drinks, 32 year women are not old and most importantly, thank you for reminding me that I am an attractive woman who is absolutely kissable on a cold NYC street. Hope you enjoyed your short stay….few men can say they got a taste of WinterInNYC!

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I recently bought a treadmill to help make me less of a fat fuck. Since I live in a shoebox it was a huge task trying to find space for it while trying to keep my apt. looking cute and inviting.

After staring at my furniture for a good hour, I decided that throwing away my TV stand was my only option for making room for the treadmill. This forced me to go through the crap that I had stored in the TV stand for the past 10 years. I found the following VHS tapes – Shag, The Lion King, High School Intramural Night 1997, High School Sportsnite 1998, Sigma Delta Tau Senior Brunch 2002 and my favorite…..an old porn video that I stole from my parents basement when I moved out of my house in 2003 (Let’s not even discuss why I had a VHS tape of The Lion King in my apt…Hakuna Matata…ok I am a fucking loser!!!).

I remember sneaking into our basement when I was 14 and snooping through my parent’s junk. God only knows what I thought I would find down there….we didn’t have any hidden treasures. I did however find a box of videos. Most of them didn’t have labels on them but one read “Debbie Does Dallas” and I knew that I had hit the jackpot.

When my parents would leave me home alone, I would run down to the basement and grab a video. With my eyes glued to the TV my ears would be listening for my parent’s car…as soon as I heard their car pull up to the house I would press eject, run back down to the basement, throw the tape back in the box, run back upstairs and switch the channel to something G rated hoping my flushed faced didn’t give away my secret. They never had a clue that their 14-year old daughter was a pervert!!!!

My family went to Atlantic City a lot when I was growing up. At night, my parents would leave my sister and I alone in the room while they went to the casino. We would usually watch TV or sometimes our parents would let us buy a movie from the hotel.

When I found myself alone in the room….SHOCKER….I would flip to the porn channels. As in most hotels, you could watch any of the movie channels for about 2 minutes and then the movie would stop and a purchase menu would pop up. If you wanted to buy the movie you had to press a certain button on the remote.

I had this down pat….watch for two…click”No”…change channel….watch for two…click “No”…change channel….this could go on for awhile considering there were about 10 XXX channels.

But then one time…I fucked up!!!! I hit the wrong button!!! I don’t know what happened…I just pressed the wrong fucking button!!! My life was over.

I had just purchased a porn for $19.99 that was ABSOLUTELY going to show up on my parents hotel bill. That night I had my first anxiety attack. I was freaking out and crying hysterically.

After a few minutes I composed myself enough to pick up the hotel phone to call the front desk. In my most grown-up voice, I told the front desk concierge that by accident I had purchased a movie that I did not want to watch and could she please remove the charge? She told me to hold a moment while she pulled up the account. I KNEW that she could see that I had just bought “When Harry Ate Sally.” I wanted to DIE!!!!

A minute went by and finally she came back on the line and kindly told me that the charge would be removed. I thanked her…crawled in to bed shaking and prayed that this nightmare was over….I would NEVER watch porn again!

That lasted about a month. I’ve upgraded since then to DVDs and of course we have the Internet now. Although there is a stigma associated with porn, I don’t think I’m weird, or dirty. As a kid I was curious and I think watching my parents grainy 70’s porn in the privacy of my own home was a lot better than what other girls my age were doing……

As an adult, I think porn is fun…I think it can help get things going. I also think it’s a great way to figure out what you like and what your partner likes. If you offer up porn to your partner and he searches for “big & beautiful/Jewish/blowjobs” I know I’m in like flynn! If he searches for “anorexic/one-legged/grandma/midget” I think its time to get out of bed, search for my panties, and escort him to the door. If he searches for “farting” videos I don’t jump to any conclusions until I ask him if he gets off on this or if he just finds it funny.

Dear Friends – If I should die, PLEASE……delete my Internet browser history!

I would hate for my family to learn that I searched for “group orgy/ball gag/monster black cock.”

It was September 1992, I was 12, and I was starting my first day of Jr. High School. Holy fuck….please don’t make me go!!!!

Towards the end of 6th grade I really didn’t like any of my elementary school classmates. To the boys I was a Chia-Pet and the girls were all gossipy and mean (I was also convinced that they were all Anti-Semites, or at least their parents were, and hated Jews…I was right btw!!!). I hadn’t kept in touch with any of them over the summer so I was pretty much friendless walking into my first day of 7th grade.

My mother and sister drove me to school and as we pulled up I burst into tears. There were 600 kids standing outside of the school, waiting for the bell to ring, and I didn’t have ANYONE I could call a friend. I don’t think my mother truly understood my panic. It was different for my sister Alyssa who was 3 years older than me….I’m pretty sure they rolled out the red carpet for her….pretty, thin, big boobs, athletic….a Jr. high school kid’s wet dream. All of the boys wanted to date her and all of the girls wanted to be her. Since my mother wasn’t offering home school, I had no choice….I had to suck it up and go!

As I was walking towards the school, wiping away my tears and trying to flatten my hair, the first familiar face I saw was Scott, a boy I knew from nursery school and Hebrew school. Thank God!!! I know someone!!! Better yet…a fellow tribe member!!!! I can hang out with Scott until the bell rings and maybe even practice our Haftarahs together!!!!

So with my Chia-Pet hair, my size 10 shorts, my new JanSport backpack and wearing my new strawberry flavored lip-gloss that I had bought at Rock Bottom, I walked up to Scott and said “Hello!”

Scott responded to my friendly hello with “What’s up twat?”

TWAT?!?!?! What the fuck is a “TWAT”???  I had never heard this word before. I didn’t think it was a nice word or that being called a twat was a good thing…I had no idea what it meant!!!

I walked away from Scott confused and heartbroken that my fellow tribesman didn’t want to be my friend, and headed into school alone.

When I got home from school that day “twat” was still on my mind. I was at a loss as to how I could find out what this word meant (we didn’t have Google back then) and I couldn’t find anything in my Britannica Encyclopedia….

So I finally got up the nerve to ask my mom – “Mommy…what’s a twat?”

My mom’s eyes bugged out of her head and she asked me where I had heard that word…I told her that Scott from Hebrew school called me a twat at school today. Her response – “Stay away from that boy!”

I didn’t listen to her….I mean come on….do we ever listen to our mothers when it comes to men?

Although we weren’t friends throughout Jr. High and High School, Scott and I wound up reconnecting during our college years…………….where he played with my twat.

Go figure!