I really needed to go on a good date to get me out of my Casey funk.

So back onto JDate I went, hoping to find a new guy to be excited about.

I received an instant message from Keith, a guy who I had spoken to over a year ago. I didn’t respond to his IM for several reasons:

A. He had blown me off the 1st go around by not responding to my email.
B. A 47-year old Jewish lawyer who had never been married….something didn’t sound kosher.
C. He was cute in his pictures but I was pretty sure that they were the same pictures from a year ago. This always bothers me since I’m constantly updating my photos, I think its only fair.

But, Keith was persistent and followed up with a sweet email a few days later, “I think you’re really beautiful.”

So I decided to email him back and he offered to come to my neighborhood last night. Although I don’t normally meet anyone that quickly from the Internet, I figured why not, I might as well get the first date over with.

I walked into the bar and at first glance realized that his Jdate pictures were old….VERY OLD! 6 years old to be exact! He admitted at some point during the date that they were from 2007!

2007!!!!! Are you kidding me???? The best part was, he didn’t think this was a big deal!

Fuck my life!

I grabbed hold of my dirty martini and we start talking….

Wait, let me rephrase that….I start talking…because Keith didn’t know how to have a conversation.

Me: So you’re a lawyer, what’s your day like?
Keith: Its boring but I like what I do.

Then silence…..

Me: Are you busy at work?
Keith: Nah, I go on Jdate a lot.

Then silence…..

Me: Tell me about your family. Do you live near them?
Keith: Yeah.

Then silence…..

Me: What do you like to do on the weekends for fun?
Keith: Well, I’m not married and I don’t have kids so I wake up whenever. Usually run errands.

Then silence….

Me: Any vacations planned?
Keith: I usually visit my mom in Florida. I guess I should travel the world but I don’t.

Then silence….

Not once did he ask me a question in return. It was torture.

So I stopped talking.

Then more silence…………….for a very looooong time……………..SILENCE!!!!

I watched the bartender take orders. I took a sip of my martini. I checked out the busboys. I took a sip of my martini. I inspected my neighbor’s angel hair pasta. I took a sip of my martini.

Finally, he asked me a question!

Keith: So what do you think about me?
Me: Well, I think you are very quiet.

Keith: Yeah, you probably shouldn’t rely on me to keep the conversation going.
Me: Ha, yeah no kidding!

I should never have said anything about how quiet he was because then he started talking….and talking…and talking…

I literally sat there for one whole hour not saying a word as he talked about nothing I cared about. I couldn’t even follow his thought process, he jumped from one subject to the next, lost his train of thought several times and didn’t seem to mind that I wasn’t involved in the conversation.

I just nodded my head occasionally (to keep myself awake) and he just kept on talking. He didn’t have any idea that I was bored, uninterested and just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

After 2 hours of torture, I put my bag on my shoulder and he finally took the hint.

I’m pretty sure that last night I went out with a guy with Asbergers.

I REALLY needed to go on a good date last night. It didn’t happen.


Miller Light, eggs, bacon, OJ, soda, corn chips, salsa, pretzels, potato chips, condoms, lube, massage oil, toilet paper and candles.

These were the items I was excitedly throwing into my shopping cart last Friday night at 10:00pm.

Who was coming over? I bet you’re dying to know….

Let me start from the beginning.

My friend Wendy was celebrating her 50th birthday and invited her girlfriends up to her house in Pennsylvania. A fun, girls-only weekend, filled with horseback riding, whitewater rafting, drinking and relaxing.

Saturday night we went out for dinner and drinks. After dinner, this drunk guy named Billy approached us and asked us if we wanted to play bean bag toss with him. A few minutes into the game Billy’s friend Casey appeared…..

Just the sight of this guy got my panties wet.

He was fucking hot!!! 29, 6’1”, tattoos, crew cut brown hair, blue eyes…he was absolutely gorgeous! Not only was he gorgeous, he was also rugged and manly.

I mean this is a guy who when asked what his plans were for tomorrow said, “I’ll be home chopping firewood.” Why don’t they make guys like this in NY??

Marilyn leaves us to get some drinks and Casey walks over to me and asks if he can play with me until she returns. Fuck the beanbags, why don’t you just play with my vagina!

Believe it or not, Casey and I had a ton to talk about. I learned that he was single, had been in the army for the past 10 years, worked in construction and was looking for a relationship…

This guy was soooo out of my league, looks-wise at least, that I was totally myself around him since I knew I didn’t have a shot in hell with him!

I told him I was Jewish, figuring he’d either ask me for money or feel around my head for horns….instead he asked if I would date outside of my religion?

I told him I liked to read, not caring if I sounded like a dork…but miracusouly he told me he also liked to read and then we talked about books.

I told him he was way too hot to be single, because he was….he countered with, “How is a girl like you single?”

Hmmmm….is this guy into me?

After about a half an hour he left me to grab a drink….I figured I wouldn’t see him again.

5 minutes later he was back at my side and invited me to sit with him at a huge fire pit that was extremely cozy and very romantic.

An hour into sitting by the fire he told me that he’d love to get together, maybe visit NY, would I like to take his #? Um….how about you just lay me down on the ground right now, put your redneck seed inside of me and we’ll live happily ever after!

I took his # and we talked about the places I would show him when he visited NY.

By midnight, all of my friends had left except for Marilyn. She was such a trooper about the whole night but it was getting late and it wasn’t fair for me to make her stay any longer.

Casey didn’t want the night to end either and asked me to go back to his house.

I was really tempted….I really really was!!!! But then I remembered that I hadn’t prepped my vagina for any kind of visit. (I’m pretty sure even the horse I rode earlier that day would have taken a pass that night…lesson learned – always be prepared). Of course I was also thinking that it probably wasn’t a very smart idea to go back to this guys house in the middle of bumblefuck Pennsylvania. This guy was too fucking hot to pass up on…but my good-girl instincts kicked in and instead I told him that I should head home.

He walked me to the car, kissed me for a few amazing minutes with his hands on my face and in my hair…I hadn’t felt butterflies like that since the Turk.

He told me to call him later and I left.

The following week we texted. I asked him to come for a visit. He told me that he was busy the coming weekend but that he might be able to come Labor Day Weekend. I was on cloud 9.

I still couldn’t believe that this guy liked me…AND…liked me enough to drive 3 hours to see me.

Towards the end of last week we were texting and sexting a lot!

And then Friday night he called me!

Casey: I really want to see you!

Me: I really want to see you too! Is Labor Day still an option for you?

Casey: I was thinking I could come this weekend.

Me: But I thought you said you were busy?

Casey: Well I kind of have plans with my buddies but honestly I’d rather come and see you.

Me: OK, so come. You want to come tonight or tomorrow?

Casey: I can leave tomorrow morning…I was thinking I’d leave around 8am. I’d get to you by 11am.

Me: OK, that sounds great. What do you want to do when you get here?

Casey: I wanna get you naked!

Me: I figured that, I meant after that? You wanna go to the beach or into the city?

Casey: I’ll leave that up to you.

Me: OK so tomorrow around 11am – this is crazy!

Casey: It is! I’m really excited to see you. It’s actually pretty awesome that nothing happened last weekend ‘cause now we have the anticipation and build up to when we see each other.

Me: I agree! It will be great! Shit! I have no food in the house, I need to go shopping! What kind of beer do you drink? What do you like to eat?

Casey: Miller Light is fine. I really eat anything, I’m not picky.

And with that we hung up, I ran around my apartment like a lunatic cleaning, and then hopped in my car to buy groceries.

I texted him at 10:30pm: “Do you want my address now or tomorrow morning?”

He didn’t text me back but I didn’t think anything of it since it was kinda late and he was getting up early to drive.

I went to bed wet, nervous and completely excited that he’d be at my house tomorrow.

8:30am Text – Good Morning!

9:00am Call – No answer.

9:30am Text – You driving?

10:00am Call – No answer.

10:30am Text – If you’re not coming can you please just tell me.

2:00pm Text – You really hurt my feelings.

4:30pm Text – Not going to tell me what happened?

I never heard from Casey again. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t text me to tell me that he wasn’t coming. How unbelievably rude is that?!?!?!?!

Make up an excuse. Any excuse. It doesn’t matter. Just don’t leave a girl hanging like that!

I keep trying to figure out what happened…here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

1 – He chopped off his dick while chopping firewood.

2 – He was eaten by a bear.

3 – He googled “Jewish girls” and “blow jobs” and realized that I was just too much woman for him.

4 – His car was repoed.

5 – He told one of his redneck friends about visiting this hot Jewish girl from NY and they reminded him that “If it has tits or tires it’s gonna cost you money.”

What do you think happened?