One of the first blogs I came across when I joined the WordPress World was The Things I See Up Here.

A laugh out loud, incredibly smart and hilarious blog, that quickly became my go-to blog when I needed a pick-me-up.

So when The Things I See Up Here came across my blog a few months ago and “liked” a post of mine, I got so excited I actually needed to change my panties.

I couldn’t believe that my blogger crush noticed me!

The Things I See Up Here recently posted a contest to name a new strap-on he invented.

With only a week to come up with a name, I got to work.

I started with names like The Beaver Basher and the Pussy Pounder but then I realized that it wouldn’t be used solely on women so these names wouldn’t be good to entice both men and women, gay and straight users.

Then I came up with some obvious names like The Universal Cock Strap and the Pecker Packer but these were just too ordinary for me.

I needed something bigger! A name that would stand out! A name that encompassed the amazingly out of this world pounding the user of the strap-on could give to their partner. A pounding that I sure as hell need!

With the deadline looming, it finally came to me, and I pressed send!

And the winner is…..

Stay tuned to find out which lucky guy gets to experiment with me and my new Big Bang Belt.

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We all have our dating check-lists.

A list of must-haves we hope to find in our significant other. An ever-changing list of qualities we think we need in order to fall in love and be happy. As we grow-up, learn from past relationships, love and hurt we add to and delete from this list.

Recently however, I’ve noticed that my must-haves have been seriously altered resulting in me meeting men that I would never want to date. A combination of desperation and the sound of a ticking clock, my standards have become seriously worrisome.

For example….

Tall, weathly and handsome has been downgraded to taller than me, can pay his bills and kissing him doesn’t make me gag.

Goob job, good lover and good sense of humor has been reduced to has a job, doesn’t ejaculate when the wind blows the right way and doesn’t tell me Holocaust jokes.

Jewish, generous and lives alone has been revised to he doesn’t check for horns when we first meet, pays for at least the 1st date and doesn’t live with his mother.

Am I that desperate to have a boyfriend that I’m willing to throw away my idea of the perfect man? Or, have I just been too picky for 33 years?

So I broadened my dating pool….

I didn’t end things when I found out he had a really shitty job.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he had a really crappy car.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he lived at home with his mother.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he weighed 40lbs. less than me.
I didn’t end things when I found out that I could never wear heels around him.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he didn’t have a lot of money.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he was a premature ejaculator.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he wore a size Small.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he considered me an animal hater.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he ate sausage…although he was a vegetarian.
I didn’t end things when I found out that the only way he could get me off was by using my vibrator.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he would refuse to vaccinate his children.
I didn’t end things when I found out that the he didn’t believe in circumcision.
I didn’t end things when I found out that he thought getting the flu shot made me an idiot.

But in the end, HE ended things with ME.

2014 – I’m not going to continue to lower my standards in the hopes of meeting a man. My numerous horrible would rather stab my eyes out than go on more bad blind dates only confirms that looking too much outside of the box doesn’t work for me.

Honestly, for now I’d rather be alone…with my vibrator, anal plugs and porn.

Can you blame me?