And The Lord Said Unto Moses, “Show Him Your Tits On _ _ _ _ _!”

April 20, 2015

The thought of bathing in a mikvah freaks me out.   I don’t feel it’s necessary to be judged from head to toe by a total stranger so that I can be allowed to fuck my husband after my monthly gift. I judge myself enough as it is. And if I ever feel the need to comb my pubic hair, I shall do it in the privacy of my own home.

Going to a mikvah was just one of the many religious requirements I would have had to adhere to in order to marry Alex. Others included keeping a kosher home and celebrating Shabbat.

Converting from a reform Jew to a modern orthodox Jew would have been a monumental decision and life change for me. So, to say I was concerned about going out on a date with a modern orthodox Russian Jew was an understatement.

But desperate times call for desperate measures so after 2 weeks of emails, texts and phone calls, I hopped in my car and drove to Astoria, where he worked, for our first date.

The drive from Long Island to Astoria took 42 minutes.

The date with Alex took 28 minutes.

We sat down in the coffee shop. He ordered a tea. I ordered a coffee. He drank his tea in 3 gulps forcing me to drink my coffee in 3 gulps. He told me he was starving and wanted to go home to eat dinner.

As I walked to my car my feelings were hurt, the roof of my mouth was gone and I was thoroughly pissed that it took me more time to drive to the date than the actual date itself.

You would think after winning the world record for “Shortest Date Ever” that I wouldn’t hear from Alex again.  But then he called me while I was driving and we stayed on the phone until we both got home.

We ended the call so that he could eat his (Kosher) dinner and although totally confused by the entire encounter, I agreed to Skype with him later that night.

Alex:  [watching TV]  Hey.

WinterInNYC: Hey.

Alex: [watching TV]

WinterInNYC: Whatcha doing?

Alex: [watching TV] Watching TV.

WinterInNYC: Can you look me?

Alex: [watching TV] Yeah

WinterInNYC: So what’s up?

Alex[watching TV]  Show me your tits.

WinterInNYC: Excuse me?

Alex: [watching TV]  Take your shirt off. Show me your tits.

WinterInNYC: No! I’m not doing that.

Alex: [watching TV] OK, I’m gonna go watch TV.

WinterInNYC: OK.

I must have been sick the day they taught the commandments in Hebrew School.

Apparently #11 was:

Skype

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3 Responses to “And The Lord Said Unto Moses, “Show Him Your Tits On _ _ _ _ _!””

  1. Di Says:

    So happy to see your return. Keep it coming!
    As for the Russian, $&*?# him.

  2. J Says:

    Yay so happy you’re back! Love reading these…Also, what a complete tool lol

  3. Abstemious Gluttony Says:

    AAAAAAND, LET’S HAVE A BIG HAND FOR THE LITTLE LADY!!!
    Welcome back, Ms. N.!  You have been severely missed, you angst-breeding rapscallion, you.

    Ahhh, yes—the Judaic ritual baths.  Y’know, my dream job has always been lifeguard at the mikvah.

    As for your frummie cretin, he is just a redundancy, unneeded further proof that practiced piety is never inherently a reflection of character.  Feh.


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