tango

Several months ago I gave my old ITouch to my niece.  She was thrilled until she couldn’t download any video chat apps to talk to her friends because they all ran on IOS 7 and my old ITouch couldn’t upgrade.

So being the wonderful aunt that I am I started Googling to find an app she could download which brings me to Tango.

After downloading Tango for my niece I also downloaded it on my IPhone so that we could text and video chat.  Tango has a “Discover” tab that allows you to find your contacts, people you may know, people nearby and people around the World.  I didn’t realize that by clicking on any of these tabs my profile would go public, but it did, immediately resulting in me receiving hundreds of winks and messages from men 5 miles away to 5,000.

Which brings me to Pedro, a 32-year-old Costa Rican who only days before he messaged me walked off of a plane to start a new life in New York.

Pedro and I hit it off from the start.  Our texting led to hour long phone calls and when we finally met (his first blind date….my 800th) I was pleasantly optimistic.

He was a true gentleman.  It had been a while since I had a man open my car door and pull out my chair.  It was nice.

I fell hard and fast for Pedro.  It was hard not to.  He was adorable and smart and kind and he wasn’t afraid to talk about the future.  After being with guys who wouldn’t talk about next week let alone next month, Pedro talked about “tomorrow” which helped me feel confident and secure.

So after 5 weeks of dating I finally invited Pedro to my home.  We cooked dinner together.  He made sangria.  We had an amazing night.

And then it was time for bed.

I was finally going to have some alone time with my hot latin man somewhere other than my car.  I couldn’t wait!

We started to make-out.  The kissing, as usual, was great.  The touching was hot.  But when I denied his penis access to my vagina (I just wasn’t ready) he unfortunately found an alterative….my thigh.

Pedro made love to my thigh that night.  For approximately 7 minutes Pedro rubbed and gyrated against my thigh while moaning until he came with a whimper so unmanly I almost laughed.  I wiped off his cum from my raw thigh, patted him on the back, turned over and pretended to sleep.

Did he actually think that was hot?

Our relationship ended a few days later and all I was left with was a bruised thigh, a jealous vagina and an improved Spanish vocabulary.

Another one bites the dust.

Advertisements

The thought of bathing in a mikvah freaks me out.   I don’t feel it’s necessary to be judged from head to toe by a total stranger so that I can be allowed to fuck my husband after my monthly gift. I judge myself enough as it is. And if I ever feel the need to comb my pubic hair, I shall do it in the privacy of my own home.

Going to a mikvah was just one of the many religious requirements I would have had to adhere to in order to marry Alex. Others included keeping a kosher home and celebrating Shabbat.

Converting from a reform Jew to a modern orthodox Jew would have been a monumental decision and life change for me. So, to say I was concerned about going out on a date with a modern orthodox Russian Jew was an understatement.

But desperate times call for desperate measures so after 2 weeks of emails, texts and phone calls, I hopped in my car and drove to Astoria, where he worked, for our first date.

The drive from Long Island to Astoria took 42 minutes.

The date with Alex took 28 minutes.

We sat down in the coffee shop. He ordered a tea. I ordered a coffee. He drank his tea in 3 gulps forcing me to drink my coffee in 3 gulps. He told me he was starving and wanted to go home to eat dinner.

As I walked to my car my feelings were hurt, the roof of my mouth was gone and I was thoroughly pissed that it took me more time to drive to the date than the actual date itself.

You would think after winning the world record for “Shortest Date Ever” that I wouldn’t hear from Alex again.  But then he called me while I was driving and we stayed on the phone until we both got home.

We ended the call so that he could eat his (Kosher) dinner and although totally confused by the entire encounter, I agreed to Skype with him later that night.

Alex:  [watching TV]  Hey.

WinterInNYC: Hey.

Alex: [watching TV]

WinterInNYC: Whatcha doing?

Alex: [watching TV] Watching TV.

WinterInNYC: Can you look me?

Alex: [watching TV] Yeah

WinterInNYC: So what’s up?

Alex[watching TV]  Show me your tits.

WinterInNYC: Excuse me?

Alex: [watching TV]  Take your shirt off. Show me your tits.

WinterInNYC: No! I’m not doing that.

Alex: [watching TV] OK, I’m gonna go watch TV.

WinterInNYC: OK.

I must have been sick the day they taught the commandments in Hebrew School.

Apparently #11 was:

Skype

heart book

Hey you…

I realized today that I’m a lucky girl.

After all of the hurt and disappointment I’m still willing to open my heart, get back out there and find you.

I still want you. I know you are amazing….so that helps.

Nights like tonight when all I want to do is hide under the covers and feel sorry for myself that another relationship has come and gone…what keeps me going is you.

You will see when we meet that all of my hurt has made me the woman I am today. A woman that can stand on her own two feet. Who doesn’t need a man…but who wants one. And you are the type of man who knows how different the two are.

You will see when we meet that all of my disappointment has allowed me to truly appreciate the small things in life. I will never take our love for granted.

When you walk into my home that took me 34 years to buy, you will look around and tell me how beautiful it is. My home will not overwhelm you. My home will not intimidate you. At some point you will notice that the blue jelly beans I keep in my living room for my niece and nephew to snack on, match my accent pillows…on purpose of course…and you will smile. You will smile because you have just realized that you met a woman who is capable of making a beautiful home for you one day.

Once we start dating you will see that I work a lot. There are many nights of working late where I don’t walk in the door until after 10pm. You may miss me some of those nights and wish we could grab dinner instead. But you will remember that my career is important to me. It has brought great friends into my life. It has afforded me the ability to buy my own home, travel the world and be as generous as I can to those I love. You won’t be worried about whether or not I will have the time to build a family because of course I will. We will figure it out…I have faith.

I hope you have the opportunity to meet Molly. She has been a part of my life for the past 12 years. She’s just like me. She needs a little bit of time to get to know someone. You can’t rush her. Forcing her to play scares her. But if you show her that you are sweet and kind and good she will eventually give you her love….which is unconditional. I know you will love her and be patient with her. She’s turning 12 next June…. so hurry.

I recently found out that I snore. Didn’t know that I did. No one ever told me that I had before. I know you won’t mind. I know that you won’t repeatedly wake me to tell me that I’m snoring and then tell me that it doesn’t bother you but then proceed to tell me that if I don’t stop you’re going to sleep on the couch.   I’ll wear Breathe Right Strips for you and you will tell me how cute I look.

When I’m sick you will take care of me.  When I’m sick you will ask me how I am and what you can do to help me feel better. You won’t ask for a back-rub when I’m lying in bed shivering. You won’t be a taker.

I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. But together we will be perfect.

I’m not settling. You are worth the wait…. and so am I!

I’m a beautiful, intelligent, independent, fun, kind-hearted woman who has a lot to offer and a lot of love to give.

Maybe I’ll find you….or maybe you’ll find me.

But don’t worry babe…..it will happen.

meme asshole

The less than enthusiastic birthday response put me on high alert, but I convinced myself not to make a big deal about it or let it ruin what I thought was the start of something great.

But things just never got great.  We seemed to always be taking two steps forward three steps back, and as usual… this relationship was driving me crazy.

I had to initiate the planning of our 2nd date and then 4 hours before we were supposed to meet he cancelled, using the excuse his friend had an emergency.  I was annoyed.

When we finally did have our 2nd date it was great!  We had dinner and then snuggled in an empty bar making out.

Our 3rd date which took place on LI was amazing.  I was happy that he made the effort to come to my home and when we took the train back into the city the following morning he held my hand the entire time.

Things seemed to moving in the right direction until he once again canceled hours before our 4th date.  This time I wasn’t annoyed, I was pissed.  We rescheduled for the next day and when I confronted him about blowing me off… again… and on such short notice…he apologized, but I just wasn’t believing his excuse that he hadn’t been feeling well the night before.

For the following two weeks I waited for him to find time to spend with me but he wouldn’t. Over text (because apparently I wasn’t worth the effort of a phone call after dating 6 weeks) he told me that he couldn’t do this right now.

About a week later I was stalking Instagram and noticed a few new pictures in his tagged photos.

This was my favorite:

Chocolate

#ilovemyboyfriend

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

The Moroccan and I we were off and running after my birthday bash.

He couldn’t get enough of me and called and texted me several times a day to tell me.

And I couldn’t get enough of him, especially after confirming that his penis was comparable to the Utahan’s.

Happy Birthday WinterInNYC!

One night the Moroccan suggested that he sleep over and drive me to work in the morning.

We snuggled and fell asleep together watching a movie and then played house in the morning, as I got ready for work.

We stopped off at Dunkin, grabbed some much-needed coffee and headed into the city.

Pleasantly happy with how the night went and having no idea where we were headed (figuratively speaking) I sipped my coffee while we made small talk.

As we neared the midtown tunnel I looked over and caught a glimpse of his key chain in the car ignition….

#1 Dad

Wait! What? #1 Dad? The fucker told me he was single….

Turns out, I scored myself a married Moroccan father of 2!

And the reason why he was able to call me at all hours of the night, hang out with me almost every day for three weeks and sleep over whenever he wanted to was because his family lived in Morocco!

Although he didn’t make his real life confession during the drive into the city that morning, he finally came clean a few days later.

When I asked him why he lied to me he admitted that if he had told me the truth I wouldn’t have given him my number. Smart!

I have now realized that after our 2nd kiss when he told me that I kissed him like his wife, he didn’t mean that we had crazy chemistry and a level of comfort you have with a spouse.

He literally meant that I kissed like his wife!

liebster-award1

I’m really grateful that my pitiful dating existence comprised of ridiculous stories about monster cocks, vulgar semen, sex so bad I need to shop at Costco for batteries and assholes that I like who never like me back has awarded me my 2nd Leibster Blog Award!

Thank you ID’s RED BOOK. I have a little cum on my face because I have not been following your blog and for that I apologize. I am now a follower and look forward to learning all about you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope I continue to keep you interested and coming back for more!

Some of my readers have questioned whether or not all of my stories are true. How can one girl really have this much bad luck/crazy shit happen to her? Believe it or not….this is my life! My desire to love and be loved combined with a sex drive like a dog in heat plus a filthy mouth equal to a sailor’s, makes writing fun for you, my readers, and therapeutic for me. So…as long as crazy fucks continue to find me and fuck me and as long as I can continue to laugh after I cry after every bad date or failed relationship I will write.

I hope to satisfy some of your curiosities about WinterInNYC:

11 Questions to me from ID’s RED BOOK:

1. Is your blog better than mine? Don’t try to be objective, I want completely subjective.

I wish I could answer this question but I can’t since I just started to read your blog. Fuck, I feel like such a selfish twat. I promise to read and comment and like….and if that’s not enough I’ll just blow you….OK? Oh and if posting more often = better blog than yes…you win!

2. What is the most disgusting thing that you’ve ever seen… during sex?

Myself in a mirror….I hate hotels and their damn mirrors!

3. Can you properly use there, their, and they’re in a single sentence?

I asked the guys at the bar if they’re into anal and they said that they were but that their girlfriends wouldn’t let them put it in there!

4. Which 80′s band had the best sense of style? And why? (minimum 100 words)

I was born in 1980 and know very little about 80’s bands or their sense of style. Again…please forgive me for not answering and ignoring your 100 word requirement….I can lick your balls too?

5. Have you ever had an STI/STD?

No!

6. If you answered “Yes” to #5, have you ever had sex with me?

N/A

7. Do you have any coyote ugly stories? Please share.

No…the men I fuck usually leave a few minutes after they cum. Real gentlemen!

8. Do you believe that Jim Henson is the fucking man? Explain your answer in at least 100 words.

Any man that can find a pig a boyfriend is the fucking man in my book! He has given me hope!

9. Have you ever had sex while on any illegal substances? If so, would you recommend I try it?

Can’t say I have. I smoked weed in college but never got laid. Maybe I should start though….we can try it together!

10. You’re all bloggers, which post that you’ve written is your favorite?

Tough one! I would have to say my favorite blog is Mommy…What’s a _ _ _ _? My blog isn’t just about sex and dating…its about my life and this post is a good glimpse into my past and why I am the way I am.

11. If you answered “No” to #5 and #6, will you have sex with me for nominating you for this award? (Did anyone else notice that all the blogs I’ve nominated are written by women? Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.)

Ha! Well I already offered a blow job and ball licking…so sure!

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I had horribly crooked fucked up teeth until the age of 25 when I got invisalign. Best money I ever spent.

2. I got my first vibrator at the age of 19. It was forest green. My friends gave it to me at a bowling alley where I was celebrating my birthday.

3. I love to go bowling.

4. I once kept my grandparents waiting for me for dinner at a kosher deli because I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob on my parent’s waterbed. From that day forward I can’t eat matzah ball soup without thinking of blowjobs.

5. In high school I wanted to be a meteorologist and was accepted into Penn State’s meteorology program. Only 20 students from around the world were accepted. When the school told me I would need to spend my entire summer taking math classes I decided not to go. I was in love and didn’t want to miss out on a summer with Ryan. 17 year olds should not be in charge of their futures.

6. I believe in God. I talk to him all the time.

7. Senior year my sorority sisters voted me “Sister Most Likely To Suck The Chrome Off A Trailor Hitch”.

8. I fear that I won’t be strong enough to put my dog down. I pray that I won’t have to make that decision.

9. The 1st time I smoked weed I was a junior in college. I took 8 bong hits, went to a bar, threw up all over my shoes in the parking lot and then drove home.

10. I got my first bikini wax last week and I must admit I feel fucking sexy!

11. I once went on a blind date and the guy told me that I looked like a girl from MTV’s Real World….”You know the one, the pretty girl that needs to lose weight.”

Blogs I’m Nominating – These are the blogs that I thoroughly look forward to reading and hope they don’t hate me for sharing the love:

1. MeAndDating
2. Soon2BeCatLady
3. They Told Me To Find A Rich Husband
4. The Unfortunate Virgin Male
5. My So-Called Adventures In Dating

11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. Have you ever slept with someone and found out after the fact that they were married?

2. Could you ever stay with someone who cheated on you?

3. What would be the theme song of your life?

4. Did you ever steal something? What? Why?

5. Name 3 must-haves and 3 can’t stands in your ideal mate.

6. What’s your most embarrassing moment?

7. What vegetable do you most likely resemble?

8. Would you rather eat a diarrhea dipped banana or a sperm filled twinkie?

9. Who is your celebrity free pass?

10. What was your favorite gift?

11. Where was the craziest place you orgasmed?

For future Liebster Award recipients, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

List these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

It started with a wink. Continued with a bunch of great emails. Followed by flirty texts. He was interesting and he was interested in me. His emails and texts were filled with questions, important questions about what I was looking for in a relationship and was I close with my family?…not what kind of underwear did I wear?

On a random Wednesday, about two weeks after the wink, Sal asked me to grab a drink.

We met at a very nice Italian restaurant in my town and for 2 hours we talked and laughed and flirted.

He was 31, Italian, lived only two towns away from me, had his own apartment, a nice car and a great job. And he was hot!

We shared a romantic kiss outside of the restaurant that first date and when I texted him that I had gotten home safely, he texted back that he had a great time, couldn’t wait to see me again and liked my soft kisses.

The next day he texted early to see how my day was going. He asked when he could see me again?

That night I had an engagement but we texted throughout the night. When his friends stopped by and I offered to let him go he texted, “Why? You’re not bothering me.”

It was a pleasant change from my ex who basically forbade me from texting him when he was out and when I did he would just ignore me for hours on end.

Friday he texted me that he had plans with a buddy but that their outing should end on the early side, would I like to meet up with him after?

Of course!

At 9pm Sal texted me that he was home. He wasn’t up for going out but he invited me over. While I tried to figure out if I should go to his apartment for a 2nd date, Sal apologized for putting me in that position. He didn’t want to give me the wrong idea about him and understood that I probably wouldn’t want to go to his place so soon.

I mulled it over for a few minutes and finally decided that I felt comfortable seeing him at his apartment and watching a movie.

I walked into his bachelor pad and he gave me the grand tour.

In his foyer area he had all of his military awards and pictures hanging on the walls….and then I saw it…a signed picture of George and Laura Bush.

My gut reaction was a quick chuckle followed by an “Oy” followed by an eye roll and then I ended with a “I can’t believe you have Bush on your wall!”

Although I considered that night to be a super romantic 2nd date watching a comedy, holding hands and smooching, I later found out that Sal was trying to deal with the fact that I made an impolite comment about a President he liked, who he felt took great care of him and all members of the military while in office.

Our budding relationship was lost from the moment I uttered “Oy”.

The next 2 weeks his interest in me waned. He stopped asking me about anything of importance. Although I saw him two more times after our 2nd date, both times happened because I initiated the get-togethers. And, although we had fun (at least I thought so) when we saw each other, there was no push to move the relationship forward.

I randomly ran into Sal on Easter Sunday at a gas station. He came over to my car and we chatted for a bit.

Later in the day I texted him:

WinterInNYC: Seeing you today was a tease!
Sal: Why?
Winter InNYC: Because I like seeing you and 5 min at the pump isn’t enough!
WinterInNYC: Guess I shouldn’t have said anything.
Sal: Look, I really like hanging out with you but I don’t see this going anywhere.
WinterInNYC: Of course this isn’t going anywhere! We barely talk and you have kept me at arms length for the past month.
Sal: That wasn’t my intention. I’m just being honest.
WinterInNYC: Thanks for letting me know.
Sal: Sorry :-\

I was crushed.

I’ve lost guys before.
I’ve lost guys before for not being pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough.
I’ve lost guys before for being too clingy.
I’ve lost guys before for being Jewish.
I’ve lost guys before for not being dirty enough or for being too dirty.

But in all of my 33 (almost 34) years on this earth, I have never lost a guy because of my political beliefs.

It ended with a bush, George Bush.

The past few months a lot of the men I have blogged about have unexpectedly popped back into my life! So here are a few updates on some of my mistakes men:

If It Has Tits Or Tires It’s Gonna Cost You _ _ _ _ _!

After countless Google searches I finally figured out Casey’s last name, which led me to his Facebook page. I was dying to “friend” him but worried he would think I’m a psychotic stalker who can’t take a hint….

But then I thought, who the fuck cares what he thinks about me!

Two weeks after my friend request Casey surprisingly accepted and sent me a message. We chatted through Facebook pretty sporadically. I didn’t bring up the weekend he stood me up or the fact that he deserved to have his balls bitten off by a wild bear. What was the point?

Last week I messaged him letting him know that I was headed back to PA for the weekend. I joked that if he saw my car he should wave….or hide!

Casey responsed by suggesting we get together. Wait! What?

Although every cell in my body told me not to make plans with him….I really really really wanted to see him! 90% because I knew I’d get a good blog story out of it. The other 10%…well because he’s fucking hot!

Saturday afternoon….

Casey: Hey what’s up! You having fun?
WinterInNYC: I am! Went to a shooting range – shot a 9mm and a 38 special!
Casey: Nice
WinterInNYC: How r u?
Casey: I’m good
WinterInNYC: Wanna grab a drink?
Casey: Would. But my car is broke, goes in the garage Monday and don’t have money to blow
WinterInNYC: No worries
Casey: Sorry

At least he apologized…this time!

If A Penis Enters Your Vagina, But You Don’t Feel It, Does It _ _ _ _ _?

One night while browsing on Jdate I received a flirt from the 24 year old one night-stand (now 25). I wrote back to the flirt “Do you think you are funny?” He then texted me begging me to accept his apology and let him make it up to me by taking me out.

I had NO interest in starting anything up with him again considering that I had the worst sex of my life with him….BUT….I was curious to find out what happened and why he stopped talking to me.

So I asked him why he had ignored my texts and he told me that he was going through a rough time at home at the time. Supposedly his father had lost his job and it was putting a strain on the family.

Hold on…your dad got laid off from work and as a result you couldn’t/wouldn’t answer a text from a woman you had your dick inside of 24 hours earlier?

Although I had told him that I wasn’t interested in starting anything up again…he kept texting me and asking to take me out.

I finally told him that I would consider meeting him out for a drink if he was truthful with me about why he ignored me those many months ago.

That finally got him to stop texting!

And the grand finale of comebacks…….

My 7-Day All Inclusive Cruise To _ _ _ _. (Part 1)

My 7-Day All Inclusive Cruise to _ _ _ _. (Part 2)

A Million _ _ _ _ _ And I Recognized Yours!

This past Wednesday night I was woken up by a text at 11:58pm….

Shithead: How’s ___________? Congrats on the new job

I didn’t respond.

It felt really good.

Two weeks before I graduated from college I finally caught the eye of a guy who was in a couple of my classes. On my 22nd birthday, also the day of one of our final exams, Jared handed me a birthday card. We hadn’t spoken much throughout the semester so I was surprised by this show of affection. Unsure if this was just a friendly gesture or if he was actually interested, I sat down to take my final exam and tried to figure out what do when the test ended.

If Jared finished the exam first, he would leave before me and I wouldn’t know how to get in touch with him. This was before social media existed.

Fortunately, I raced through my exam and finished 1st. Before handing in my exam I wrote a quick note to Jared thanking him for the card and gave him my number.

I threw the note on his desk, handed in my exam and left.

Two days later Jared called me and asked me out on a date.

Jared was a geek but I liked him. We were both CIS majors and while I loved this major for its web design opportunities and earning potential Jared truly loved computers and was a genius working with them. I was starved for a relationship (sadly it had been almost 4 years since my last). His computer skills truly impressed me and to top things off he was Jewish and cute.

We starting dating and I was so happy to have a guy in my life again.

One night I drove to Jared’s house and we decided to go to Starbucks for some coffee. We had been dating for about 3 weeks at this point.

Starbucks was packed so we decided to sit in Jared’s car for a bit drinking our coffee before heading back to his house.

I was pleasantly sipping my cappuccino thinking how content I was to be sitting in my boyfriend’s car on a date when all of a sudden a vomitous smell came over me. I was being suffocated by the most rancid grotesque smell imaginable.

Jared had farted.

Jared must have been dying from the inside out that night because this was no ordinary fart. I’d been hot boxed before. I’d been dutch ovened before. I had NEVER experienced a smell so repulsive before in my life.

I was mortified. Not comfortable AT ALL with talking about flatulence and never letting one rip in front of a guy, I didn’t know how to handle this explosive diarrhea funk I was forced to bath in.

So like a true lady, I opened the window and just pretended I didn’t smell anything.

At some point with the help of some fresh spring air, the smell dissipated. Jared offered to throw my empty coffee cup away and although I was hesitant to give up my self-made oxygen mask, I reluctantly handed my empty coffee cup over and Jared got out of the car.

I realize now that Jared most definitely got out of the car to continue his intestinal explosions while he walked to the garbage can because when he got back into the car the aroma quickly returned.

Obviously, Jared was fighting something vicious that night.

The ride back to his house was the longest 10 minutes of my life. My head was hanging so far out of the open window that I looked like this….

46968879_143df60236

When we finally got to his house I smelled like a dirty diaper. Every part of me smelled. His stench was so wicked that it attached itself to my hair. It soaked through my clothes. I felt like there was a heavy layer of stank on my skin that I needed to scrape off with a shovel. What can I say…I was attacked by a silent but deadly fart that evening…and I lost.

We went up to Jared’s bedroom and he quickly excused himself to run to the bathroom. I’m guessing he released whatever demon was bubbling up inside of him because he was gone for a good 15 minutes. When he finally returned I told him that it was getting late and I would head home.

He agreed and said he wasn’t feeling well anyway.

Yeah, no shit!

I drove home laughing hysterically not believing that I was just abused by my boyfriend, olfactory style.

The 1st guy I went on a date with after Matt and I broke up was a guy named Jason who sold copiers.

First date was at a local Spanish restaurant where we sat at the bar drinking sangria.

After 3.5 years of sitting at sports bars watching my boyfriend down pitcher after pitcher of Guinness, not giving a shit that I wasn’t a bar person, beer person, or sports person, I found the date enjoyable.

After a few hours of drinking and getting to know each other, Jason and I left and started walking home. Right before we parted ways, Jason stopped me on the sidewalk, pushed me up against a building and started kissing me.

Now this should have been a super hot/romantic moment for me except it wasn’t because Jason was the worst kisser I had ever met! Jason shoved his tongue deep into my mouth and then just left it there. His thick wet limp tongue just sat in my mouth not moving and the only way for me to get it out of my mouth was to move my head away from his. Twice during a 60 second kiss I had to jerk my head away or risk feeding him my digested sangria like a mommy bird feeds her chicks.

I thanked Jason for a nice date and headed home.

Jason texted me the next day and asked if he could make me dinner the following night. Hoping the kissing would get better (I mean it couldn’t possibly get any worse), I agreed.

So on one of the hottest days of the year (I think it was 102 in the city that day) I walked to Jason’s apartment. Arriving promptly at 7pm with severe swamp crotch, I entered Jason’s apartment and couldn’t believe that a guy who lived in such a dump, would invite a girl over so early in the dating process, if he was looking to impress.

Our romantic dinner was served on this…

TV Tray

After dinner Jason didn’t waste any time trying to make out with me and once again I had to fight off my gag reflex. He truly was the worst kisser I had ever encountered.

I finally faked a yawn (it was 8:30pm) and told him that I had to get home since I had work the next day.

I sent a nice text the following morning, thanking him for dinner but admitted that I wasn’t ready to start dating yet. A lie obviously, but if I was being honest I would have texted something along the lines of: “Thanks for dinner but I would rather lick the sweaty balls of my cab driver who drove me home last night than kiss you ever again.”

That was 1.5 years ago.

Driving up to Vermont last week:

WinterInNYC: How was that date you went on a few weeks ago?

Dr. Habibi: Eh…the guy was ok looking and the date was going well but then he kissed me and it was horrible!

WinterInNYC: Ugh! That’s the worst.

Dr. Habibi: I even let him try again later in the evening thinking it would get better and it didn’t!

WinterInNYC: I’ve been there my friend, I’ve been there!

Dr. Habibi: It’s so disappointing…no sparks at all! And these guys I’m meeting on Jdate have horrible jobs. Some are even unemployed. It’s so frustrating!

WinterInNYC: Hello! I dated a barista!

Dr. Habibi: I know. I know. The bad kisser sold copiers!

WinterInNYC: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!