heart book

Hey you…

I realized today that I’m a lucky girl.

After all of the hurt and disappointment I’m still willing to open my heart, get back out there and find you.

I still want you. I know you are amazing….so that helps.

Nights like tonight when all I want to do is hide under the covers and feel sorry for myself that another relationship has come and gone…what keeps me going is you.

You will see when we meet that all of my hurt has made me the woman I am today. A woman that can stand on her own two feet. Who doesn’t need a man…but who wants one. And you are the type of man who knows how different the two are.

You will see when we meet that all of my disappointment has allowed me to truly appreciate the small things in life. I will never take our love for granted.

When you walk into my home that took me 34 years to buy, you will look around and tell me how beautiful it is. My home will not overwhelm you. My home will not intimidate you. At some point you will notice that the blue jelly beans I keep in my living room for my niece and nephew to snack on, match my accent pillows…on purpose of course…and you will smile. You will smile because you have just realized that you met a woman who is capable of making a beautiful home for you one day.

Once we start dating you will see that I work a lot. There are many nights of working late where I don’t walk in the door until after 10pm. You may miss me some of those nights and wish we could grab dinner instead. But you will remember that my career is important to me. It has brought great friends into my life. It has afforded me the ability to buy my own home, travel the world and be as generous as I can to those I love. You won’t be worried about whether or not I will have the time to build a family because of course I will. We will figure it out…I have faith.

I hope you have the opportunity to meet Molly. She has been a part of my life for the past 12 years. She’s just like me. She needs a little bit of time to get to know someone. You can’t rush her. Forcing her to play scares her. But if you show her that you are sweet and kind and good she will eventually give you her love….which is unconditional. I know you will love her and be patient with her. She’s turning 12 next June…. so hurry.

I recently found out that I snore. Didn’t know that I did. No one ever told me that I had before. I know you won’t mind. I know that you won’t repeatedly wake me to tell me that I’m snoring and then tell me that it doesn’t bother you but then proceed to tell me that if I don’t stop you’re going to sleep on the couch.   I’ll wear Breathe Right Strips for you and you will tell me how cute I look.

When I’m sick you will take care of me.  When I’m sick you will ask me how I am and what you can do to help me feel better. You won’t ask for a back-rub when I’m lying in bed shivering. You won’t be a taker.

I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. But together we will be perfect.

I’m not settling. You are worth the wait…. and so am I!

I’m a beautiful, intelligent, independent, fun, kind-hearted woman who has a lot to offer and a lot of love to give.

Maybe I’ll find you….or maybe you’ll find me.

But don’t worry babe…..it will happen.

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Cruise

How many times can you be disappointed before you stop expecting?
How many times can you be rejected before you stop trying?
How many times can you be disregarded before you stop caring?

As I sat in the St. Thomas airport waiting for my delayed flight to take off…I cried. For 16 hours that day I cried. My red rimmed puffy eyes concealed by the new Ray-Bans I treated myself to for my vacation. And as I cried, and as strangers stared at me wondering what was wrong with me, I whispered to myself, “I’m tired of hurting.”

Saturday

I boarded the ship around 2pm. I headed to my stateroom, re-applied my make-up that was running down my face from the heat, straightened my hair for the 20th time that day because of the humidity and checked out my outfit in the full length mirror, again, to make sure that it was the perfect outfit to be seen in by the guy I hadn’t seen in 19 months. My nerves were out of control and after pacing the stateroom for about 15 minutes I finally built up enough courage to pick up the phone and dial his #.

WinterInNYC: TurkishDelight?
TurkishDelight: WinterInNYC!!! Where have you been? I thought you changed your mind!
WinterInNYC: Of course not!! They told me to board at 1:30pm. I just got on the ship.
TurkishDelight: Welcome! Welcome! I’m working on deck 15 – come now! Come see me!
WinterInNYC: OK! I’ll be up in a few minutes.
TurkishDelight: Great! See you soon!

Before heading upstairs there was a knock on my door. I was greeted with a bottle of champagne, a fruit plate and cupcakes with a card that read, “Enjoy – from TurkishDelight.” So thoughtful!

We hugged.

At first all I could think about was how tall he was! I didn’t remember him being that tall. When I commented on how tall he was he laughed and then I smiled because his laugh I remembered.

He sat me at a table facing the water and had a waiter bring over a glass of white wine. I lied and told him I wasn’t hungry. The first hour of him seeing me would not include stuffing my face at the buffet. I read my kindle, texted my friends and family, sipped my wine and on occasion glanced over my shoulder to checkout this hot Turkish man I was going to spend the next 7 days with.

After about an hour, I started to get antsy, so I caught his attention and told him that I was going to head back to the room and unpack. He told me that he would call me later to sign the paperwork which would give him permission to go anywhere on the ship with me…including my stateroom.

Relief washed over me. He had seen me in person and he still wanted me to sign the all-access paperwork.

He called me around 4:00pm to sign the paperwork. He reviewed the form with me and pointed out that in order for him to have access to my stateroom he had to write that I was his spouse. I smiled to myself. Lies feel good sometimes.

I headed back to my stateroom to shower and get dressed. I chose a super short long-sleeved black cotton/lace dress with very sexy camel colored 3” stiletto ankle boots. Hair done, make-up on, legs tanned, shaved and oiled, I headed to the casino to kill some time before dinner.

At 8:30pm I headed to the dining room. A waiter came out to get me and escorted me to a table in TurkishDelight’s section. As I walked over to the table, TurkishDelight was standing nearby talking to guests, and he looked up just as I was walking by. Our eyes met and he smiled. I felt relief and excitement in that moment. I was looking at a man who was genuinely happy with what he was looking at…me.

The waiters were extremely attentive to me, TurkishDelight made sure of that. Two glasses of wine later I was happy and comfortable and looking forward to a fun night. TurkishDelight stopped by my table a handful of times to see how I was doing. Towards the end of dinner I asked him what time he would be getting off of work and he told me around 10:30pm. He said he would call me when he was done.

At 10:45pm I heard the knock on my door. Finally! After 19 months of regret. After 19 months of kicking myself in the ass for not getting dressed and throwing on some make-up to hang out with a ridiculously hot man at 8:00pm on a Thursday night, I was finally getting my 2nd date.

We talked for a long time. I was feeling confident and pretty and smart and proud of myself for taking such a big risk by going on this cruise by myself.

At one point he mentioned that his shift this week was lunch and dinner, he tried, but couldn’t switch. I was disappointed and a little worried. I knew what this meant. He would be working almost the entire day every day for the next 7 days. I tried to stay positive. We would make the best of it. I would make the best of it.

After what seemed like forever, he got up off the couch to pour some more champagne and on his return to the couch he kissed me. And in that instant I was transported back to that dark sidewalk on the upper west side of Manhattan on a cold winter day.

It had taken 19 months but it was worth the wait.

Midway through the evening we found ourselves standing on the terrace over looking the dark ocean. The stars were out, the air was heavy and all you could hear was the ship crawling through the waves. It was extremely romantic. When he came up from behind me, moved my hair away from my neck and started to nibble on my ear and then moved slowly down my neck, I melted.

I led him back to the bed for round two.

By 2:00am he told me that he had to get up early for staff room inspections and was going to go. I was definitely disappointed to hear that he wasn’t sleeping over. He sensed my disappointment and asked me if that was ok? I lied, and said of course it was. I told him I understood. He said he would stay over the next night.

He kissed me goodnight on my lips and then on my forehead.

My first day on the ship had gone remarkably well but as I drifted off to sleep I had this unsettling feeling….why didn’t he stay?

heart-wings

A year ago, my psychic told me that the man I would spend my life would be the type of guy who my family and friends would judge and it would be my job to show them all why he is the love of my life.

So when I received an email on Match from an overweight Harley riding tattooed fisherman from Suffolk, I replied, considering that the people in my life would surely judge this guy!

My psychic also pulled a tarot card during my reading that had two wings on it and he interpreted the card to mean that together we would be two wings and together we would fly.

So when Justin told me that he flew planes I started browsing wedding magazines and picking out baby names.

We were definitely different….that was for sure! But through his emails and then texts, I really started to like him. He was an absolute sweetheart.

After a 2.5 hour phone conversation we decided to meet for coffee.   I prayed I would be attracted to him….

Justin was big. Justin was a very big boy. He was 6’0 tall and probably weighed close to 300lbs.

I’ve never dated a guy with a few extra pounds on him and Justin had a bit more than a few extra pounds but he really was such a sweet guy…..

Assuming he would be able to fuck me I figured I’d be able to get over the weight issue.

Plus, as we headed into Dunkin Donuts I felt like a size 2!

I loved talking to Justin for those 2 hours. He was so cute and interesting. He thought I was a hoot and told me that I was even more beautiful in person. We talked about riding his Harley together and told me where I could buy riding boots. He offered to take me out on his friends boat so that we could go fishing. I told him that I’d never been out to wine country and he told me that there is no better way to experience wine country than on a bike in the summer and that he’d love to take me out there.

Before leaving Dunkin, Justin asked me what my plans were for the coming weekend. He asked to take me to an early dinner Sunday night and I told him that I’d love to.

It doesn’t happen often that I’m asked out on a 2nd date before the 1st date ends so I was beaming from ear to ear as we headed out.

He walked me to my car. We stood in the parking lot for anther few minutes chatting.   I was patiently waiting for a goodnight kiss, which never came, instead we hugged.

We would kiss…when the time was right.

Thursday

Justin: Heyyyy I had a great time tonight. I just got home.
WinterInNYC: Wow that was fast! I had a great time too – thank you again for the coffee 🙂 I know u sacrificed for me and didn’t get ur Starbucks
Justin: Anytime! I had a great time as well. It’s ok about the Starbucks. I was in good company so I was happy 🙂
WinterInNYC: 🙂

 

Friday

WinterInNYC: What’s up?
Justin: In bed LOL dog was sick all night and kept me up
WinterInNYC: Ugh
Justin: He’s really not doing well. I’m gunna take him to the vet now. Something is wrong.
WinterInNYC: Poor thing 😦 keep me posted
Justin: Starting to worry me
WinterInNYC: He may just have a bug. See what the vet says. Try not to worry.
WinterInNYC: Everything ok?
Justin: They r doing tests….
WinterInNYC: u ok?

 

Saturday

WinterInNYC: Justin?
Justin: Hey. Sorry I didn’t get back to u last night. Came home after the vet and passed out. They kept him at the vet for observation.
WinterInNYC: How’s he doing?
Justin: He was really crappy last night when I left him. Gunna head there in a bit.
WinterInNYC: What r ur plans for today?

 

Sunday

WinterInNYC: I’m so confused

Not hearing back from Justin was so surprising and incredibly unexpected that I started to think that something had happened to him.

I thought his dog died. I thought his father died. I thought his plane crashed. I thought he got into a motorcycle accident and was in the hospital.

There was no way after the date we had, the fact that he asked me out for a 2nd date and called and texted the previous two weeks as often as he did that he was blowing me off.

He was dead. I convinced myself.

But then one quick call to his office Monday morning confirmed that Justin was alive and well.

Nothing had happened to him.

I just went out on a date with a dick.

If you can explain to me what happened, I’ll either blow you, or blow your husband/boyfriend for you so you don’t have to!

 

I was on a crowded cross-town bus last week headed to work and I was standing next to a father and his daughter who was about 4 or 5 years old.  Next to them was a woman in her mid 40s with…how should I put this….sharp facial features.  The little girl looked at the woman standing next to her and said to her father “Know who she looks like Daddy?”  The woman heard the little girl say this and asked her, “Who do I look like?”

Now I’m standing there holding my breathe…pretending I’m not listening…knowing that this little girl is absolutely going to say that this woman looks like a Disney villain and completely embarrass the woman, the father and all of the commuters in ear shot of this little girl’s innocent observation.

The father quickly said to the little girl, “No no no sweetie…that’s not nice.”  Thankfully the bus started to clear out, the father steered his daughter toward the back of the bus and I was able to move away from Cruella Deville and her miserable morning commute.

I know that the little girl meant no harm and I’m sure most parents have had those moments where their kids say completely inappropriate and embarrassing things to people where all they want to do is crawl under a rock….or kill their kids.

Just ask my mother!

When I was about 8 my sister played baseball in a little league program.  I would go to all the games and play with the other siblings who weren’t athletic enough to play on their own sports teams.

So one day I was standing in the dugout with one of the player’s moms, Mrs. P and my mom.  I looked up at Mrs. P and said to her very matter-of-factly, “Mrs. P…you have a big nose.”  I don’t know what possessed me to say this.  She did have a big nose and I guess at that very moment I felt like telling her that I had noticed.

Mrs. P took my insult in stride and responded with, “Why yes, WinterInNYC, I do.”

My mother was utterly embarrassed and apologized on my behalf.  But Mrs. P was pretty cool about it and said to my mom, “She’s just being honest.”

Fast-forward 5 years, now I’m 13 and I have a big nose.  REALLY?!?  The bad hair wasn’t enough????….being fat wasn’t enough???  The crooked teeth weren’t enough?!?  Why God Why???

I go through phases of wanting a nose job and then not wanting one.  I’ve had several plastic surgery consultations over the years where all of the doctors have told me what the perfect nose should look like and how for $8,000 I can have one.  One surgeon also offered a chin implant and liposuction for an additional $4,000.  Thanks doc….not only do I have a big nose but I’m fat and chinless too.  GO ME!

When it comes to plastic surgery my feeling is this…I don’t judge.  You need it, you want it, you have the money….go for it!  But I won’t risk it (at this point in my life) if the outcome could be worse than what I started with.  So for me, as big as my nose is….I’d rather a long nose than a botched up “nose job” nose so many women are walking around with.  Basically, I don’t want to look like a person who had a nose job.

To this day, my family and I joke that I got a big nose because I told Mrs. P that she had one….and God punished me.

When I was 15, I took a babysitting job my cousin wasn’t available for.  The girl was 6 years old and as we sat in her kitchen playing a board game she said to me, “You have a big nose.”

You’re fucked kid…what goes around comes around!

The _ _ _ Hour Cleanse!

November 12, 2012

I was tossing and turning all night last night because I was so excited about the cleanse.  I normally lay in bed thinking about all of the sex I’m not having so it was a nice change to think about something else.  I woke up bright and early at 6am and was ready to juice.

The juicer was amazing.  It was easy to use and as a first time juicer it was pretty much idiot proof.  It took me 30 minutes to juice the two drinks and clean the machine twice.

Unfortunately, as I started juicing, especially the Mean Green Juice, the smell started to emanate from the container, my stomach started to turn, and I began to realize that I wasn’t going to be able to do this.  The juice really smelled horrible.

I sat on the bus for 30 minutes headed to work and the entire time I was talking myself into the cleanse.  As much as I told myself I could do it, I knew it would be impossible.  I arrived at work and poured the green concoction into a glass filled with ice and took a sip.  This juice was definitely one of the worst things I have ever put into my mouth.  And trust me, I do not say this lightly.  I’ve had my fair share of nasty sweaty smelly boy parts in and around my mouth and those tasted like chocolate covered bananas and strawberries compared to what this Mean Green Juice tasted like.  Now I know why its called “Mean.”

One sip of the Mean Green Juice and one sip of the Beet-Apple-Carrot Juice and I knew that this was as far as I could go with the cleanse.  I didn’t want to break the news to Stella since she liked the juice she made so I just sat in my office pretending to be drinking but instead I was trying to figure out how I could sneak egg whites on whole wheat toast into the office without Stella knowing.  I was also trying to figure out what to do with a $200 juicer!

At approximately 9:38am (I got into work at 8:30am) Stella walked into my office.  I was waiting for her to yell at me to drink the juice.  I couldn’t even look at her.  It was written all over my face that I wasn’t putting one more drop of this liquid shit into my mouth.  But instead she told me that she was done.  Between the time it took her to juice, the cuts on her fingers from cleaning the juicer, the calorie count for the fruits and vegetables and the hunger pains that couldn’t be ignored, Stella realized that to lose a few pounds she would be better off just eating healthy and exercising.  Yay!!  She was done so I was off the hook!

So, I made it through a one hour juice cleanse.  Although I dumped the cleanse I did eat exceptionally healthy today which I plan on continuing because I do need to lose weight.  But the juice cleanse just wasn’t for me.  I spent a total of $231.  Of course I don’t like wasting money but I’ve lost more money in my lifetime so I’m trying not to regret the attempt.  I plan on keeping the juicer and lending it out if anyone needs it.  I also plan on juicing the remaining fruits and vegetables for someone at work who thought the juice was delicious so the food won’t go to waste.

The cleanse was a complete failure but I’m glad we tried something new.

What’s next Stella?

I recently quit smoking (for the 2nd time) and gained as of today 8 lbs.  41 days as a non-smoker and unfortunately but not surprisingly, as a result, 8 lbs. have been added to a body that can’t afford another pound let alone another 8 lbs.  Now, instead of needing to lose 30 lbs. I need to lose 40 lbs.  Awesome!

Every day at work, I bitch and moan to my assistant Stella (who is also a very close friend) about how fat and ugly I feel and then proceed to eat horribly all day which includes stuffing pieces of chocolate into my mouth that I don’t even like, but that I eat, because its there. The frustating part is that I know how to eat healthy.  I know how to maintain a 1200 calorie diet and exercise but to be honest I just haven’t been in the mood.  Food is comfort for me.  I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad and also when I’m bored.  I also really like food and enjoy going out to eat or ordering in.  My problem however is rather than eat half or a quarter of my meal like I know I should, I eat everything that’s on my plate because it tastes delicious and because its there.

In addition to my love for food, it also doesn’t help that right now, I’m down in the dumps about my love life (I don’t have one) and instead of finding something to do at night to keep my mind busy, I go home after work, eat dinner (lately nothing healthy), drink a glass of wine (or two), feel sorry for myself, and sit on the couch watching TV waiting for it to get late enough to go to bed.  Sometimes this battle in my head where I’m telling myself its too early to go to bed starts as early as 7pm.  Thankfully, I’m still sane enough to know that you shouldn’t go to bed before 9pm when you are 32 years old.  And yes, even 9pm is pathetic, I know!

So last week, I think Stella had enough of my self loathing pity party and while I stuffed another left over Halloween candy (I’m pretty sure it was a mini Twix) into my double-chinned face she suggested, “How about we do a cleanse?” I have never in my life thought of doing a cleanse and had no idea what it entailed.  I think of cleanse and I think of starvation, diarrhea and misery, but since I was so tired of myself, my body, my bitching, and my laziness I said, “OK, which one?”

Stella offered up the Master Cleanse which is a hardcore cleanse only consisting of a “lemonade” concoction made of water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lemon.  I knew right away that I couldn’t manage this cleanse.  I have a hard time drinking water because I don’t like the taste (YES! Water has a taste!) and I’m rarely thirsty, and function most days on a cup of coffee and a can of diet coke (healthy I know). The thought of drinking this “lemonade” made me gag so I knew I couldn’t do this type of cleanse.  We then googled “detox cleanses” and saw that we could do a juicing cleanse.  I definitely think this type of cleanse will be more manageable for me.  But then I remember that although I LOVE V8 juice, I can’t stand to drink the low sodium V8 juice.  Oy, I think I’m in trouble.

In order to juice you need a juicer, which of course I didn’t have.  I bought the Breville, Juice Fountain Multi-Speed Juicer (http://www.brevilleusa.com/food-preparation/juicers/juice-fountain-multi-speed.html) for $199.99.  I basically bought this juicer because it was the only juicer in the store that wasn’t a piece of junk and wasn’t a fortune.  I wasn’t willing to purchase a juicer for $400 when I’ve never done this before and may not be able to last more than an hour.  And, when I asked the sales woman about a few of the cheaper juicers ($80 – $100) she made a face that I will probably make when I take my first sip tomorrow, so the Breville won since a $200 investment is something I can rationalize.  Once I got my juicer home, I went to the Breville website and read up on my new purchase.  It appears to be a good juicer, keeping the juice temperatures low (which is important so that the enzymes and micronutrients stay intact – whatever that means) and they claim that up to 70% of the nutrients are juiced right into the glass.  I also went on Amazon and saw that out of 620 reviews, 458 gave 5 stars.  This looks promising.  Tomorrow morning I start juicing so I will let you know if I made a smart purchase.

To get me started I bought the following fruits and veggies today:

3 beets, 4 lemons, 1 large ginger root, 1 bag of celery, A bunch of Kale, 2 large cucumbers, 5 large carrot sticks, 4 red apples (Figi), 4 green apples (Granny smith)

Image

This grocery run cost me $29.15.  I live in NYC so food prices are generally high.  This could get expensive since I’m thinking that what I bought today may only get me through tomorrow.  I’ll see how it goes and how much juice I get from the different items.  Most of the juicing websites tell you to buy organic fruits and vegetables.  I didn’t today, but if I last more than a day I may buy organic tomorrow.  Not sure how much it matters.

I printed out a bunch of recipes from the web.  I’m too worried about hating the taste to just throw together ingredients and experiment so I figured I’d try recipes already tested by fellow juicers.

For breakfast tomorrow I will make:  Mean Green Juice (original) – This recipe came from Joe Cross’ Reboot Your Life Website (http://www.jointhereboot.com/):

6 Kale Leaves, 1 Cucumber, 4 Celery Stalks, 2 Green Apples, ½ Lemon, 1 piece of Ginger

For lunch tomorrow I will make:  Beet-Apple-Carrot Juice – This recipe came from XOJane.com (http://www.xojane.com/diy/do-it-yourself-at-home-juice-cleanse):

1 Beet, 1 Carrot Stick, 2 Red Apples

I’m waking up early tomorrow to juice for breakfast and lunch.  I can’t juice at work so I’m hoping that what I juice in the morning will taste good a few hours later for lunch.  I know its more beneficial to drink the juice immediately for its full nutrients but that just can’t happen when I’m at work.  I already separated and cleaned the fruits and veggies I’m using tomorrow morning.  I’m hoping I will have fun tomorrow and won’t bitch that I had to wake up an hour early to do it.  Happy thoughts!  Happy juicing thoughts!

I don’t expect to cleanse for too long.  I’m hoping to make it 3 days (very unlikely), would love to make it 5 days (virtually impossible) and would go nuts if I made it a full week (unbelievable and no one would believe me even if I did!).  I’m VERY worried about finding the juice absolutely disgusting.  If this is the case, I’ll probably just fast tomorrow and say I did a one-day cleanse which isn’t saying much since I just did this on Yom Kippur.

I’m excited to try something new and I hope I lose enough weight to make me feel good again and motivates me to start eating healthy and exercising again.  Stella is also cleansing so hopefully we can help motivate each other like we did when we quit smoking.

It’s 11pm – past my bedtime!!!!  Gnite!  Tomorrow, I juice!