liebster-award1

I’m really grateful that my pitiful dating existence comprised of ridiculous stories about monster cocks, vulgar semen, sex so bad I need to shop at Costco for batteries and assholes that I like who never like me back has awarded me my 2nd Leibster Blog Award!

Thank you ID’s RED BOOK. I have a little cum on my face because I have not been following your blog and for that I apologize. I am now a follower and look forward to learning all about you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope I continue to keep you interested and coming back for more!

Some of my readers have questioned whether or not all of my stories are true. How can one girl really have this much bad luck/crazy shit happen to her? Believe it or not….this is my life! My desire to love and be loved combined with a sex drive like a dog in heat plus a filthy mouth equal to a sailor’s, makes writing fun for you, my readers, and therapeutic for me. So…as long as crazy fucks continue to find me and fuck me and as long as I can continue to laugh after I cry after every bad date or failed relationship I will write.

I hope to satisfy some of your curiosities about WinterInNYC:

11 Questions to me from ID’s RED BOOK:

1. Is your blog better than mine? Don’t try to be objective, I want completely subjective.

I wish I could answer this question but I can’t since I just started to read your blog. Fuck, I feel like such a selfish twat. I promise to read and comment and like….and if that’s not enough I’ll just blow you….OK? Oh and if posting more often = better blog than yes…you win!

2. What is the most disgusting thing that you’ve ever seen… during sex?

Myself in a mirror….I hate hotels and their damn mirrors!

3. Can you properly use there, their, and they’re in a single sentence?

I asked the guys at the bar if they’re into anal and they said that they were but that their girlfriends wouldn’t let them put it in there!

4. Which 80′s band had the best sense of style? And why? (minimum 100 words)

I was born in 1980 and know very little about 80’s bands or their sense of style. Again…please forgive me for not answering and ignoring your 100 word requirement….I can lick your balls too?

5. Have you ever had an STI/STD?

No!

6. If you answered “Yes” to #5, have you ever had sex with me?

N/A

7. Do you have any coyote ugly stories? Please share.

No…the men I fuck usually leave a few minutes after they cum. Real gentlemen!

8. Do you believe that Jim Henson is the fucking man? Explain your answer in at least 100 words.

Any man that can find a pig a boyfriend is the fucking man in my book! He has given me hope!

9. Have you ever had sex while on any illegal substances? If so, would you recommend I try it?

Can’t say I have. I smoked weed in college but never got laid. Maybe I should start though….we can try it together!

10. You’re all bloggers, which post that you’ve written is your favorite?

Tough one! I would have to say my favorite blog is Mommy…What’s a _ _ _ _? My blog isn’t just about sex and dating…its about my life and this post is a good glimpse into my past and why I am the way I am.

11. If you answered “No” to #5 and #6, will you have sex with me for nominating you for this award? (Did anyone else notice that all the blogs I’ve nominated are written by women? Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.)

Ha! Well I already offered a blow job and ball licking…so sure!

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I had horribly crooked fucked up teeth until the age of 25 when I got invisalign. Best money I ever spent.

2. I got my first vibrator at the age of 19. It was forest green. My friends gave it to me at a bowling alley where I was celebrating my birthday.

3. I love to go bowling.

4. I once kept my grandparents waiting for me for dinner at a kosher deli because I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob on my parent’s waterbed. From that day forward I can’t eat matzah ball soup without thinking of blowjobs.

5. In high school I wanted to be a meteorologist and was accepted into Penn State’s meteorology program. Only 20 students from around the world were accepted. When the school told me I would need to spend my entire summer taking math classes I decided not to go. I was in love and didn’t want to miss out on a summer with Ryan. 17 year olds should not be in charge of their futures.

6. I believe in God. I talk to him all the time.

7. Senior year my sorority sisters voted me “Sister Most Likely To Suck The Chrome Off A Trailor Hitch”.

8. I fear that I won’t be strong enough to put my dog down. I pray that I won’t have to make that decision.

9. The 1st time I smoked weed I was a junior in college. I took 8 bong hits, went to a bar, threw up all over my shoes in the parking lot and then drove home.

10. I got my first bikini wax last week and I must admit I feel fucking sexy!

11. I once went on a blind date and the guy told me that I looked like a girl from MTV’s Real World….”You know the one, the pretty girl that needs to lose weight.”

Blogs I’m Nominating – These are the blogs that I thoroughly look forward to reading and hope they don’t hate me for sharing the love:

1. MeAndDating
2. Soon2BeCatLady
3. They Told Me To Find A Rich Husband
4. The Unfortunate Virgin Male
5. My So-Called Adventures In Dating

11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. Have you ever slept with someone and found out after the fact that they were married?

2. Could you ever stay with someone who cheated on you?

3. What would be the theme song of your life?

4. Did you ever steal something? What? Why?

5. Name 3 must-haves and 3 can’t stands in your ideal mate.

6. What’s your most embarrassing moment?

7. What vegetable do you most likely resemble?

8. Would you rather eat a diarrhea dipped banana or a sperm filled twinkie?

9. Who is your celebrity free pass?

10. What was your favorite gift?

11. Where was the craziest place you orgasmed?

For future Liebster Award recipients, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

List these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

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I am what you call a late bloomer.

I was 14 when I had my first boyfriend/kiss.

The summer before high school I was a counselor at a day camp and met Christopher. He only decided to be my boyfriend after my sister managed to convince him that dating me was a better idea than dating his ex-girlfriend again. Even at 14 I had dating problems.

I was 18 when I had my second boyfriend/kiss.

I waited nearly 2 years for my best friend Ryan to see me as more than a friend. After countless fights and crying over the fact that he didn’t want more than a friendship with me I invited Ryan to my prom, just as friends. He was my best friend and I didn’t want to go with anyone else. To this day I don’t know why Ryan changed his mind about me that night. But he did and we wound up dating the summer before I left for college. Ryan was my first love and my first heartbreak.

And then that was it on the boyfriend front. For a long, long, long time!

I thought college would be a new start for me. It wasn’t.

I had a few random hook-ups that never led anywhere. Oh and then there was Scott who really only loved my blow jobs, never me, and ended our casual relationship by dating my sorority sister. Ouch!

I graduated college and started working in the city where I met Will. We hung out on and off for over a year. I never thought I’d sleep with him. He just wasn’t the guy I had envisioned my first time being with.

But my 23rd birthday was fast approaching and I started getting anxious. I was still a virgin!!! Was this impressive? Did this mean I was a prude? Am I a total fucking loser that no one wants to have sex with?

I felt like I was running out of time. I felt that I was nearing the point where my conversations about my virginity would go from “Awesome! Good for you for waiting!” to “Really? What’s wrong with your vagina??!!”

For my birthday I met Will in the city and we decided to get a hotel room…

At the airport.

The Marriot Courtyard – JFK’s finest airport hotel was where my cherry got popped.

Will was far from my Jewish knight in shining armor I had been waiting for. But he made me feel sexy and loved and safe. He wanted me and he never put pressure on me to have sex with him. I was ready.

There were no candles. There were no flowers. There were no orgasms. Instead of music we had the sound of planes flying over our heads. He may have even paid for the room by the hour.

But even though my first time was far from what I had imagined or hoped for…I remember getting into my car and driving home with the biggest smile on face.

I wasn’t a virgin anymore.

I had no regrets that day.

I have no regrets today.

About two months ago, I came home from work to find my internet/cable/phone service not working.   After calling my cable provider to find out that only my apartment was having issues…the news got really good when the customer service lady told me that she couldn’t send a tech to check out the problem for 2 days.

Awesome!!!  What the fuck am I supposed to do for the next two nights without TV??? Internet??? Porn???

I glanced over at my bookcase where all of my DVDs were stored thinking I’d get through the next few days watching movies on my laptop and then I saw my Dawson’s Creek Series!!!!!

Dawson’s Creek is my all time favorite TV show….EVER!!!!  And NO…this does not embarrass me!!!!   It took me 2 weeks to watch every episode of the Dawson’s Creek series….again!  There are 128 one-hour episodes!

In 1998, the year Dawson’s Creek first aired, I was 17, a senior in high school and I was head over heels in love with my best friend who also happened to be my across the street neighbor.  He was the real life version of Dawson Leery.  I had convinced myself that I was Joey Potter and watched my life play out every Wednesday night on the WB.

The similarities between Dawson Leery and my first love Ryan Moon were scary…….

Dawson and Ryan were both tall, blonde, adorable 15 year olds.  They were both only children who grew up in beautiful houses on the water.  Dawson and Ryan were both thoughtful and sensitive and a bit straight laced.  But most importantly, both Dawson and Ryan had best girl friends that were in love with them!

Dawson and Joey lived across the creek from each other.  Ryan and I lived across the street from each other!!!!  Come on!!! Crazy right?!?!?!?

Other than our brown hair and our love for our best guy friends, there were few similarities between Joey and myself (my father wasn’t in jail for drug trafficking, my sister hadn’t been knocked up by her black boyfriend, Joey had one chin where as I had two) but it didn’t matter!!!!

Every Wednesday night I was obsessed – glued to the TV – watching what would unfold next in our love lives.

For over a year I was crazy in love with Ryan who only saw me as a friend.  I had to sit by my entire senior year of high school and watch him date and make out with other girls and each and every time my heart would break.  We would fight, he would tell me again and again that he only saw me as a friend and then we would make up after I lied and told him that I was ok with just a friendship.  I would have said anything to keep him in my life but I NEVER gave up hope that he would be my boyfriend one day.

Ryan and I did end up dating the summer before college (best time of my life).  As with most first loves….my heart was broken when I left for college and our 2 month relationship ended.  What’s the rule of thumb? For every year of a relationship you need one month to heal.  Using that calculation I should have been over him in what….5 days!  It took me years to get over him…seriously…YEARS!!!

My family has since moved out of the house I grew up in so I haven’t seen Ryan in many many years.   I fantasize about running into him in the city and having him ask me to grab a drink and catch up…of course in this fantasy he would also realize that I am his one true love, remember that I gave him the best blow jobs of his life and tell me what a mistake it was that we lost the past 14 years…

Considering Ryan lives and works in NYC it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that I would run into him….

Then one day I was grabbing a bite to eat on the UWS and….HOLY FUCK…..

There he was – Dawson Leery!!!

Hold on!!!  Don’t get too excited….not MY Dawson Leery but the REAL Dawson Leery….James Van Der Beek was sitting at the table across from me.

Of course this was the best star sighting EVER and I immediately texted Robin the awesome news (only she could truly understand how exciting this was for me).

But as I bit into my tuna melt I was definitely disappointed that I had crossed paths with the wrong Dawson!

God must really enjoy fucking with me….

I was on a crowded cross-town bus last week headed to work and I was standing next to a father and his daughter who was about 4 or 5 years old.  Next to them was a woman in her mid 40s with…how should I put this….sharp facial features.  The little girl looked at the woman standing next to her and said to her father “Know who she looks like Daddy?”  The woman heard the little girl say this and asked her, “Who do I look like?”

Now I’m standing there holding my breathe…pretending I’m not listening…knowing that this little girl is absolutely going to say that this woman looks like a Disney villain and completely embarrass the woman, the father and all of the commuters in ear shot of this little girl’s innocent observation.

The father quickly said to the little girl, “No no no sweetie…that’s not nice.”  Thankfully the bus started to clear out, the father steered his daughter toward the back of the bus and I was able to move away from Cruella Deville and her miserable morning commute.

I know that the little girl meant no harm and I’m sure most parents have had those moments where their kids say completely inappropriate and embarrassing things to people where all they want to do is crawl under a rock….or kill their kids.

Just ask my mother!

When I was about 8 my sister played baseball in a little league program.  I would go to all the games and play with the other siblings who weren’t athletic enough to play on their own sports teams.

So one day I was standing in the dugout with one of the player’s moms, Mrs. P and my mom.  I looked up at Mrs. P and said to her very matter-of-factly, “Mrs. P…you have a big nose.”  I don’t know what possessed me to say this.  She did have a big nose and I guess at that very moment I felt like telling her that I had noticed.

Mrs. P took my insult in stride and responded with, “Why yes, WinterInNYC, I do.”

My mother was utterly embarrassed and apologized on my behalf.  But Mrs. P was pretty cool about it and said to my mom, “She’s just being honest.”

Fast-forward 5 years, now I’m 13 and I have a big nose.  REALLY?!?  The bad hair wasn’t enough????….being fat wasn’t enough???  The crooked teeth weren’t enough?!?  Why God Why???

I go through phases of wanting a nose job and then not wanting one.  I’ve had several plastic surgery consultations over the years where all of the doctors have told me what the perfect nose should look like and how for $8,000 I can have one.  One surgeon also offered a chin implant and liposuction for an additional $4,000.  Thanks doc….not only do I have a big nose but I’m fat and chinless too.  GO ME!

When it comes to plastic surgery my feeling is this…I don’t judge.  You need it, you want it, you have the money….go for it!  But I won’t risk it (at this point in my life) if the outcome could be worse than what I started with.  So for me, as big as my nose is….I’d rather a long nose than a botched up “nose job” nose so many women are walking around with.  Basically, I don’t want to look like a person who had a nose job.

To this day, my family and I joke that I got a big nose because I told Mrs. P that she had one….and God punished me.

When I was 15, I took a babysitting job my cousin wasn’t available for.  The girl was 6 years old and as we sat in her kitchen playing a board game she said to me, “You have a big nose.”

You’re fucked kid…what goes around comes around!

I recently bought a treadmill to help make me less of a fat fuck. Since I live in a shoebox it was a huge task trying to find space for it while trying to keep my apt. looking cute and inviting.

After staring at my furniture for a good hour, I decided that throwing away my TV stand was my only option for making room for the treadmill. This forced me to go through the crap that I had stored in the TV stand for the past 10 years. I found the following VHS tapes – Shag, The Lion King, High School Intramural Night 1997, High School Sportsnite 1998, Sigma Delta Tau Senior Brunch 2002 and my favorite…..an old porn video that I stole from my parents basement when I moved out of my house in 2003 (Let’s not even discuss why I had a VHS tape of The Lion King in my apt…Hakuna Matata…ok I am a fucking loser!!!).

I remember sneaking into our basement when I was 14 and snooping through my parent’s junk. God only knows what I thought I would find down there….we didn’t have any hidden treasures. I did however find a box of videos. Most of them didn’t have labels on them but one read “Debbie Does Dallas” and I knew that I had hit the jackpot.

When my parents would leave me home alone, I would run down to the basement and grab a video. With my eyes glued to the TV my ears would be listening for my parent’s car…as soon as I heard their car pull up to the house I would press eject, run back down to the basement, throw the tape back in the box, run back upstairs and switch the channel to something G rated hoping my flushed faced didn’t give away my secret. They never had a clue that their 14-year old daughter was a pervert!!!!

My family went to Atlantic City a lot when I was growing up. At night, my parents would leave my sister and I alone in the room while they went to the casino. We would usually watch TV or sometimes our parents would let us buy a movie from the hotel.

When I found myself alone in the room….SHOCKER….I would flip to the porn channels. As in most hotels, you could watch any of the movie channels for about 2 minutes and then the movie would stop and a purchase menu would pop up. If you wanted to buy the movie you had to press a certain button on the remote.

I had this down pat….watch for two…click”No”…change channel….watch for two…click “No”…change channel….this could go on for awhile considering there were about 10 XXX channels.

But then one time…I fucked up!!!! I hit the wrong button!!! I don’t know what happened…I just pressed the wrong fucking button!!! My life was over.

I had just purchased a porn for $19.99 that was ABSOLUTELY going to show up on my parents hotel bill. That night I had my first anxiety attack. I was freaking out and crying hysterically.

After a few minutes I composed myself enough to pick up the hotel phone to call the front desk. In my most grown-up voice, I told the front desk concierge that by accident I had purchased a movie that I did not want to watch and could she please remove the charge? She told me to hold a moment while she pulled up the account. I KNEW that she could see that I had just bought “When Harry Ate Sally.” I wanted to DIE!!!!

A minute went by and finally she came back on the line and kindly told me that the charge would be removed. I thanked her…crawled in to bed shaking and prayed that this nightmare was over….I would NEVER watch porn again!

That lasted about a month. I’ve upgraded since then to DVDs and of course we have the Internet now. Although there is a stigma associated with porn, I don’t think I’m weird, or dirty. As a kid I was curious and I think watching my parents grainy 70’s porn in the privacy of my own home was a lot better than what other girls my age were doing……

As an adult, I think porn is fun…I think it can help get things going. I also think it’s a great way to figure out what you like and what your partner likes. If you offer up porn to your partner and he searches for “big & beautiful/Jewish/blowjobs” I know I’m in like flynn! If he searches for “anorexic/one-legged/grandma/midget” I think its time to get out of bed, search for my panties, and escort him to the door. If he searches for “farting” videos I don’t jump to any conclusions until I ask him if he gets off on this or if he just finds it funny.

Dear Friends – If I should die, PLEASE……delete my Internet browser history!

I would hate for my family to learn that I searched for “group orgy/ball gag/monster black cock.”

It was September 1992, I was 12, and I was starting my first day of Jr. High School. Holy fuck….please don’t make me go!!!!

Towards the end of 6th grade I really didn’t like any of my elementary school classmates. To the boys I was a Chia-Pet and the girls were all gossipy and mean (I was also convinced that they were all Anti-Semites, or at least their parents were, and hated Jews…I was right btw!!!). I hadn’t kept in touch with any of them over the summer so I was pretty much friendless walking into my first day of 7th grade.

My mother and sister drove me to school and as we pulled up I burst into tears. There were 600 kids standing outside of the school, waiting for the bell to ring, and I didn’t have ANYONE I could call a friend. I don’t think my mother truly understood my panic. It was different for my sister Alyssa who was 3 years older than me….I’m pretty sure they rolled out the red carpet for her….pretty, thin, big boobs, athletic….a Jr. high school kid’s wet dream. All of the boys wanted to date her and all of the girls wanted to be her. Since my mother wasn’t offering home school, I had no choice….I had to suck it up and go!

As I was walking towards the school, wiping away my tears and trying to flatten my hair, the first familiar face I saw was Scott, a boy I knew from nursery school and Hebrew school. Thank God!!! I know someone!!! Better yet…a fellow tribe member!!!! I can hang out with Scott until the bell rings and maybe even practice our Haftarahs together!!!!

So with my Chia-Pet hair, my size 10 shorts, my new JanSport backpack and wearing my new strawberry flavored lip-gloss that I had bought at Rock Bottom, I walked up to Scott and said “Hello!”

Scott responded to my friendly hello with “What’s up twat?”

TWAT?!?!?! What the fuck is a “TWAT”???  I had never heard this word before. I didn’t think it was a nice word or that being called a twat was a good thing…I had no idea what it meant!!!

I walked away from Scott confused and heartbroken that my fellow tribesman didn’t want to be my friend, and headed into school alone.

When I got home from school that day “twat” was still on my mind. I was at a loss as to how I could find out what this word meant (we didn’t have Google back then) and I couldn’t find anything in my Britannica Encyclopedia….

So I finally got up the nerve to ask my mom – “Mommy…what’s a twat?”

My mom’s eyes bugged out of her head and she asked me where I had heard that word…I told her that Scott from Hebrew school called me a twat at school today. Her response – “Stay away from that boy!”

I didn’t listen to her….I mean come on….do we ever listen to our mothers when it comes to men?

Although we weren’t friends throughout Jr. High and High School, Scott and I wound up reconnecting during our college years…………….where he played with my twat.

Go figure!

I was blessed by God and born with very curly hair (as well as the insane ability to give great head!).  I mean I must have done something really incredible in my past life to be granted the honor of having to manage and care for my hair.  CURLY!  FRIZZY! UNMANAGEABLE!  And unless you have curly hair, only you can truly understand the burden that has been bestowed upon me.

Please….do not sit there reading this and try to tell me that its not that bad!  Do not tell me that curly hair is gorgeous!  NOOOOOO…mine isn’t gorgeous!!  Its big and puffy and frizzy and curly and has caused me so much pain and anguish growing up that I have been forever scarred and have not seen my hair curly since the age of 15.

What scarred me for life?  Let me tell you….

CHIA-PETS!

Those mean, nasty, smelly boys that I grew up with, decided in the 6th grade that my poofy frizzy curly hair resembled a fully grown Chia-Pet, so for MONTHS, they sang the jingle from the commercial “Cha Cha Cha Chia!”

Here is an actual commercial for your enjoyment (and my humiliation).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o92wNzZgQeE

Before Chia-Pets became a part of my every day life and were just weird planters that you could buy in pharmacies and give as gifts to people you really didn’t like, I was completely unfazed by my hair.  But once the chanting started I cried all the time and didn’t want to go to school. It was the first time I started to hate my hair and wished that I had straight hair.

For the past 15+ years I have perfected the art of hair straightening and I have never gone back to curly. With the new straightening irons available and great leave-in conditioners most people today would not even know that I have super curly hair.

To this day, when I hear the Chia Pet jingle on TV or see those little fuckers on a shelf in CVS I cringe.  Trust me, you do not want to sing that jingle in my presence, I may kill you.

So now tell me….any resemblance?