liebster-award1

I’m really grateful that my pitiful dating existence comprised of ridiculous stories about monster cocks, vulgar semen, sex so bad I need to shop at Costco for batteries and assholes that I like who never like me back has awarded me my 2nd Leibster Blog Award!

Thank you ID’s RED BOOK. I have a little cum on my face because I have not been following your blog and for that I apologize. I am now a follower and look forward to learning all about you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope I continue to keep you interested and coming back for more!

Some of my readers have questioned whether or not all of my stories are true. How can one girl really have this much bad luck/crazy shit happen to her? Believe it or not….this is my life! My desire to love and be loved combined with a sex drive like a dog in heat plus a filthy mouth equal to a sailor’s, makes writing fun for you, my readers, and therapeutic for me. So…as long as crazy fucks continue to find me and fuck me and as long as I can continue to laugh after I cry after every bad date or failed relationship I will write.

I hope to satisfy some of your curiosities about WinterInNYC:

11 Questions to me from ID’s RED BOOK:

1. Is your blog better than mine? Don’t try to be objective, I want completely subjective.

I wish I could answer this question but I can’t since I just started to read your blog. Fuck, I feel like such a selfish twat. I promise to read and comment and like….and if that’s not enough I’ll just blow you….OK? Oh and if posting more often = better blog than yes…you win!

2. What is the most disgusting thing that you’ve ever seen… during sex?

Myself in a mirror….I hate hotels and their damn mirrors!

3. Can you properly use there, their, and they’re in a single sentence?

I asked the guys at the bar if they’re into anal and they said that they were but that their girlfriends wouldn’t let them put it in there!

4. Which 80′s band had the best sense of style? And why? (minimum 100 words)

I was born in 1980 and know very little about 80’s bands or their sense of style. Again…please forgive me for not answering and ignoring your 100 word requirement….I can lick your balls too?

5. Have you ever had an STI/STD?

No!

6. If you answered “Yes” to #5, have you ever had sex with me?

N/A

7. Do you have any coyote ugly stories? Please share.

No…the men I fuck usually leave a few minutes after they cum. Real gentlemen!

8. Do you believe that Jim Henson is the fucking man? Explain your answer in at least 100 words.

Any man that can find a pig a boyfriend is the fucking man in my book! He has given me hope!

9. Have you ever had sex while on any illegal substances? If so, would you recommend I try it?

Can’t say I have. I smoked weed in college but never got laid. Maybe I should start though….we can try it together!

10. You’re all bloggers, which post that you’ve written is your favorite?

Tough one! I would have to say my favorite blog is Mommy…What’s a _ _ _ _? My blog isn’t just about sex and dating…its about my life and this post is a good glimpse into my past and why I am the way I am.

11. If you answered “No” to #5 and #6, will you have sex with me for nominating you for this award? (Did anyone else notice that all the blogs I’ve nominated are written by women? Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.)

Ha! Well I already offered a blow job and ball licking…so sure!

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I had horribly crooked fucked up teeth until the age of 25 when I got invisalign. Best money I ever spent.

2. I got my first vibrator at the age of 19. It was forest green. My friends gave it to me at a bowling alley where I was celebrating my birthday.

3. I love to go bowling.

4. I once kept my grandparents waiting for me for dinner at a kosher deli because I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob on my parent’s waterbed. From that day forward I can’t eat matzah ball soup without thinking of blowjobs.

5. In high school I wanted to be a meteorologist and was accepted into Penn State’s meteorology program. Only 20 students from around the world were accepted. When the school told me I would need to spend my entire summer taking math classes I decided not to go. I was in love and didn’t want to miss out on a summer with Ryan. 17 year olds should not be in charge of their futures.

6. I believe in God. I talk to him all the time.

7. Senior year my sorority sisters voted me “Sister Most Likely To Suck The Chrome Off A Trailor Hitch”.

8. I fear that I won’t be strong enough to put my dog down. I pray that I won’t have to make that decision.

9. The 1st time I smoked weed I was a junior in college. I took 8 bong hits, went to a bar, threw up all over my shoes in the parking lot and then drove home.

10. I got my first bikini wax last week and I must admit I feel fucking sexy!

11. I once went on a blind date and the guy told me that I looked like a girl from MTV’s Real World….”You know the one, the pretty girl that needs to lose weight.”

Blogs I’m Nominating – These are the blogs that I thoroughly look forward to reading and hope they don’t hate me for sharing the love:

1. MeAndDating
2. Soon2BeCatLady
3. They Told Me To Find A Rich Husband
4. The Unfortunate Virgin Male
5. My So-Called Adventures In Dating

11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. Have you ever slept with someone and found out after the fact that they were married?

2. Could you ever stay with someone who cheated on you?

3. What would be the theme song of your life?

4. Did you ever steal something? What? Why?

5. Name 3 must-haves and 3 can’t stands in your ideal mate.

6. What’s your most embarrassing moment?

7. What vegetable do you most likely resemble?

8. Would you rather eat a diarrhea dipped banana or a sperm filled twinkie?

9. Who is your celebrity free pass?

10. What was your favorite gift?

11. Where was the craziest place you orgasmed?

For future Liebster Award recipients, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

List these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

Advertisements

It was September 1992, I was 12, and I was starting my first day of Jr. High School. Holy fuck….please don’t make me go!!!!

Towards the end of 6th grade I really didn’t like any of my elementary school classmates. To the boys I was a Chia-Pet and the girls were all gossipy and mean (I was also convinced that they were all Anti-Semites, or at least their parents were, and hated Jews…I was right btw!!!). I hadn’t kept in touch with any of them over the summer so I was pretty much friendless walking into my first day of 7th grade.

My mother and sister drove me to school and as we pulled up I burst into tears. There were 600 kids standing outside of the school, waiting for the bell to ring, and I didn’t have ANYONE I could call a friend. I don’t think my mother truly understood my panic. It was different for my sister Alyssa who was 3 years older than me….I’m pretty sure they rolled out the red carpet for her….pretty, thin, big boobs, athletic….a Jr. high school kid’s wet dream. All of the boys wanted to date her and all of the girls wanted to be her. Since my mother wasn’t offering home school, I had no choice….I had to suck it up and go!

As I was walking towards the school, wiping away my tears and trying to flatten my hair, the first familiar face I saw was Scott, a boy I knew from nursery school and Hebrew school. Thank God!!! I know someone!!! Better yet…a fellow tribe member!!!! I can hang out with Scott until the bell rings and maybe even practice our Haftarahs together!!!!

So with my Chia-Pet hair, my size 10 shorts, my new JanSport backpack and wearing my new strawberry flavored lip-gloss that I had bought at Rock Bottom, I walked up to Scott and said “Hello!”

Scott responded to my friendly hello with “What’s up twat?”

TWAT?!?!?! What the fuck is a “TWAT”???  I had never heard this word before. I didn’t think it was a nice word or that being called a twat was a good thing…I had no idea what it meant!!!

I walked away from Scott confused and heartbroken that my fellow tribesman didn’t want to be my friend, and headed into school alone.

When I got home from school that day “twat” was still on my mind. I was at a loss as to how I could find out what this word meant (we didn’t have Google back then) and I couldn’t find anything in my Britannica Encyclopedia….

So I finally got up the nerve to ask my mom – “Mommy…what’s a twat?”

My mom’s eyes bugged out of her head and she asked me where I had heard that word…I told her that Scott from Hebrew school called me a twat at school today. Her response – “Stay away from that boy!”

I didn’t listen to her….I mean come on….do we ever listen to our mothers when it comes to men?

Although we weren’t friends throughout Jr. High and High School, Scott and I wound up reconnecting during our college years…………….where he played with my twat.

Go figure!

I was blessed by God and born with very curly hair (as well as the insane ability to give great head!).  I mean I must have done something really incredible in my past life to be granted the honor of having to manage and care for my hair.  CURLY!  FRIZZY! UNMANAGEABLE!  And unless you have curly hair, only you can truly understand the burden that has been bestowed upon me.

Please….do not sit there reading this and try to tell me that its not that bad!  Do not tell me that curly hair is gorgeous!  NOOOOOO…mine isn’t gorgeous!!  Its big and puffy and frizzy and curly and has caused me so much pain and anguish growing up that I have been forever scarred and have not seen my hair curly since the age of 15.

What scarred me for life?  Let me tell you….

CHIA-PETS!

Those mean, nasty, smelly boys that I grew up with, decided in the 6th grade that my poofy frizzy curly hair resembled a fully grown Chia-Pet, so for MONTHS, they sang the jingle from the commercial “Cha Cha Cha Chia!”

Here is an actual commercial for your enjoyment (and my humiliation).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o92wNzZgQeE

Before Chia-Pets became a part of my every day life and were just weird planters that you could buy in pharmacies and give as gifts to people you really didn’t like, I was completely unfazed by my hair.  But once the chanting started I cried all the time and didn’t want to go to school. It was the first time I started to hate my hair and wished that I had straight hair.

For the past 15+ years I have perfected the art of hair straightening and I have never gone back to curly. With the new straightening irons available and great leave-in conditioners most people today would not even know that I have super curly hair.

To this day, when I hear the Chia Pet jingle on TV or see those little fuckers on a shelf in CVS I cringe.  Trust me, you do not want to sing that jingle in my presence, I may kill you.

So now tell me….any resemblance?