I’m really grateful that my pitiful dating existence comprised of ridiculous stories about monster cocks, vulgar semen, sex so bad I need to shop at Costco for batteries and assholes that I like who never like me back has awarded me my 2nd Leibster Blog Award!

Thank you ID’s RED BOOK. I have a little cum on my face because I have not been following your blog and for that I apologize. I am now a follower and look forward to learning all about you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope I continue to keep you interested and coming back for more!

Some of my readers have questioned whether or not all of my stories are true. How can one girl really have this much bad luck/crazy shit happen to her? Believe it or not….this is my life! My desire to love and be loved combined with a sex drive like a dog in heat plus a filthy mouth equal to a sailor’s, makes writing fun for you, my readers, and therapeutic for me. So…as long as crazy fucks continue to find me and fuck me and as long as I can continue to laugh after I cry after every bad date or failed relationship I will write.

I hope to satisfy some of your curiosities about WinterInNYC:

11 Questions to me from ID’s RED BOOK:

1. Is your blog better than mine? Don’t try to be objective, I want completely subjective.

I wish I could answer this question but I can’t since I just started to read your blog. Fuck, I feel like such a selfish twat. I promise to read and comment and like….and if that’s not enough I’ll just blow you….OK? Oh and if posting more often = better blog than yes…you win!

2. What is the most disgusting thing that you’ve ever seen… during sex?

Myself in a mirror….I hate hotels and their damn mirrors!

3. Can you properly use there, their, and they’re in a single sentence?

I asked the guys at the bar if they’re into anal and they said that they were but that their girlfriends wouldn’t let them put it in there!

4. Which 80′s band had the best sense of style? And why? (minimum 100 words)

I was born in 1980 and know very little about 80’s bands or their sense of style. Again…please forgive me for not answering and ignoring your 100 word requirement….I can lick your balls too?

5. Have you ever had an STI/STD?


6. If you answered “Yes” to #5, have you ever had sex with me?


7. Do you have any coyote ugly stories? Please share.

No…the men I fuck usually leave a few minutes after they cum. Real gentlemen!

8. Do you believe that Jim Henson is the fucking man? Explain your answer in at least 100 words.

Any man that can find a pig a boyfriend is the fucking man in my book! He has given me hope!

9. Have you ever had sex while on any illegal substances? If so, would you recommend I try it?

Can’t say I have. I smoked weed in college but never got laid. Maybe I should start though….we can try it together!

10. You’re all bloggers, which post that you’ve written is your favorite?

Tough one! I would have to say my favorite blog is Mommy…What’s a _ _ _ _? My blog isn’t just about sex and dating…its about my life and this post is a good glimpse into my past and why I am the way I am.

11. If you answered “No” to #5 and #6, will you have sex with me for nominating you for this award? (Did anyone else notice that all the blogs I’ve nominated are written by women? Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.)

Ha! Well I already offered a blow job and ball licking…so sure!

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I had horribly crooked fucked up teeth until the age of 25 when I got invisalign. Best money I ever spent.

2. I got my first vibrator at the age of 19. It was forest green. My friends gave it to me at a bowling alley where I was celebrating my birthday.

3. I love to go bowling.

4. I once kept my grandparents waiting for me for dinner at a kosher deli because I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob on my parent’s waterbed. From that day forward I can’t eat matzah ball soup without thinking of blowjobs.

5. In high school I wanted to be a meteorologist and was accepted into Penn State’s meteorology program. Only 20 students from around the world were accepted. When the school told me I would need to spend my entire summer taking math classes I decided not to go. I was in love and didn’t want to miss out on a summer with Ryan. 17 year olds should not be in charge of their futures.

6. I believe in God. I talk to him all the time.

7. Senior year my sorority sisters voted me “Sister Most Likely To Suck The Chrome Off A Trailor Hitch”.

8. I fear that I won’t be strong enough to put my dog down. I pray that I won’t have to make that decision.

9. The 1st time I smoked weed I was a junior in college. I took 8 bong hits, went to a bar, threw up all over my shoes in the parking lot and then drove home.

10. I got my first bikini wax last week and I must admit I feel fucking sexy!

11. I once went on a blind date and the guy told me that I looked like a girl from MTV’s Real World….”You know the one, the pretty girl that needs to lose weight.”

Blogs I’m Nominating – These are the blogs that I thoroughly look forward to reading and hope they don’t hate me for sharing the love:

1. MeAndDating
2. Soon2BeCatLady
3. They Told Me To Find A Rich Husband
4. The Unfortunate Virgin Male
5. My So-Called Adventures In Dating

11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. Have you ever slept with someone and found out after the fact that they were married?

2. Could you ever stay with someone who cheated on you?

3. What would be the theme song of your life?

4. Did you ever steal something? What? Why?

5. Name 3 must-haves and 3 can’t stands in your ideal mate.

6. What’s your most embarrassing moment?

7. What vegetable do you most likely resemble?

8. Would you rather eat a diarrhea dipped banana or a sperm filled twinkie?

9. Who is your celebrity free pass?

10. What was your favorite gift?

11. Where was the craziest place you orgasmed?

For future Liebster Award recipients, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

List these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)


The _ _ _ Hour Cleanse!

November 12, 2012

I was tossing and turning all night last night because I was so excited about the cleanse.  I normally lay in bed thinking about all of the sex I’m not having so it was a nice change to think about something else.  I woke up bright and early at 6am and was ready to juice.

The juicer was amazing.  It was easy to use and as a first time juicer it was pretty much idiot proof.  It took me 30 minutes to juice the two drinks and clean the machine twice.

Unfortunately, as I started juicing, especially the Mean Green Juice, the smell started to emanate from the container, my stomach started to turn, and I began to realize that I wasn’t going to be able to do this.  The juice really smelled horrible.

I sat on the bus for 30 minutes headed to work and the entire time I was talking myself into the cleanse.  As much as I told myself I could do it, I knew it would be impossible.  I arrived at work and poured the green concoction into a glass filled with ice and took a sip.  This juice was definitely one of the worst things I have ever put into my mouth.  And trust me, I do not say this lightly.  I’ve had my fair share of nasty sweaty smelly boy parts in and around my mouth and those tasted like chocolate covered bananas and strawberries compared to what this Mean Green Juice tasted like.  Now I know why its called “Mean.”

One sip of the Mean Green Juice and one sip of the Beet-Apple-Carrot Juice and I knew that this was as far as I could go with the cleanse.  I didn’t want to break the news to Stella since she liked the juice she made so I just sat in my office pretending to be drinking but instead I was trying to figure out how I could sneak egg whites on whole wheat toast into the office without Stella knowing.  I was also trying to figure out what to do with a $200 juicer!

At approximately 9:38am (I got into work at 8:30am) Stella walked into my office.  I was waiting for her to yell at me to drink the juice.  I couldn’t even look at her.  It was written all over my face that I wasn’t putting one more drop of this liquid shit into my mouth.  But instead she told me that she was done.  Between the time it took her to juice, the cuts on her fingers from cleaning the juicer, the calorie count for the fruits and vegetables and the hunger pains that couldn’t be ignored, Stella realized that to lose a few pounds she would be better off just eating healthy and exercising.  Yay!!  She was done so I was off the hook!

So, I made it through a one hour juice cleanse.  Although I dumped the cleanse I did eat exceptionally healthy today which I plan on continuing because I do need to lose weight.  But the juice cleanse just wasn’t for me.  I spent a total of $231.  Of course I don’t like wasting money but I’ve lost more money in my lifetime so I’m trying not to regret the attempt.  I plan on keeping the juicer and lending it out if anyone needs it.  I also plan on juicing the remaining fruits and vegetables for someone at work who thought the juice was delicious so the food won’t go to waste.

The cleanse was a complete failure but I’m glad we tried something new.

What’s next Stella?

I recently quit smoking (for the 2nd time) and gained as of today 8 lbs.  41 days as a non-smoker and unfortunately but not surprisingly, as a result, 8 lbs. have been added to a body that can’t afford another pound let alone another 8 lbs.  Now, instead of needing to lose 30 lbs. I need to lose 40 lbs.  Awesome!

Every day at work, I bitch and moan to my assistant Stella (who is also a very close friend) about how fat and ugly I feel and then proceed to eat horribly all day which includes stuffing pieces of chocolate into my mouth that I don’t even like, but that I eat, because its there. The frustating part is that I know how to eat healthy.  I know how to maintain a 1200 calorie diet and exercise but to be honest I just haven’t been in the mood.  Food is comfort for me.  I eat when I’m happy, when I’m sad and also when I’m bored.  I also really like food and enjoy going out to eat or ordering in.  My problem however is rather than eat half or a quarter of my meal like I know I should, I eat everything that’s on my plate because it tastes delicious and because its there.

In addition to my love for food, it also doesn’t help that right now, I’m down in the dumps about my love life (I don’t have one) and instead of finding something to do at night to keep my mind busy, I go home after work, eat dinner (lately nothing healthy), drink a glass of wine (or two), feel sorry for myself, and sit on the couch watching TV waiting for it to get late enough to go to bed.  Sometimes this battle in my head where I’m telling myself its too early to go to bed starts as early as 7pm.  Thankfully, I’m still sane enough to know that you shouldn’t go to bed before 9pm when you are 32 years old.  And yes, even 9pm is pathetic, I know!

So last week, I think Stella had enough of my self loathing pity party and while I stuffed another left over Halloween candy (I’m pretty sure it was a mini Twix) into my double-chinned face she suggested, “How about we do a cleanse?” I have never in my life thought of doing a cleanse and had no idea what it entailed.  I think of cleanse and I think of starvation, diarrhea and misery, but since I was so tired of myself, my body, my bitching, and my laziness I said, “OK, which one?”

Stella offered up the Master Cleanse which is a hardcore cleanse only consisting of a “lemonade” concoction made of water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lemon.  I knew right away that I couldn’t manage this cleanse.  I have a hard time drinking water because I don’t like the taste (YES! Water has a taste!) and I’m rarely thirsty, and function most days on a cup of coffee and a can of diet coke (healthy I know). The thought of drinking this “lemonade” made me gag so I knew I couldn’t do this type of cleanse.  We then googled “detox cleanses” and saw that we could do a juicing cleanse.  I definitely think this type of cleanse will be more manageable for me.  But then I remember that although I LOVE V8 juice, I can’t stand to drink the low sodium V8 juice.  Oy, I think I’m in trouble.

In order to juice you need a juicer, which of course I didn’t have.  I bought the Breville, Juice Fountain Multi-Speed Juicer ( for $199.99.  I basically bought this juicer because it was the only juicer in the store that wasn’t a piece of junk and wasn’t a fortune.  I wasn’t willing to purchase a juicer for $400 when I’ve never done this before and may not be able to last more than an hour.  And, when I asked the sales woman about a few of the cheaper juicers ($80 – $100) she made a face that I will probably make when I take my first sip tomorrow, so the Breville won since a $200 investment is something I can rationalize.  Once I got my juicer home, I went to the Breville website and read up on my new purchase.  It appears to be a good juicer, keeping the juice temperatures low (which is important so that the enzymes and micronutrients stay intact – whatever that means) and they claim that up to 70% of the nutrients are juiced right into the glass.  I also went on Amazon and saw that out of 620 reviews, 458 gave 5 stars.  This looks promising.  Tomorrow morning I start juicing so I will let you know if I made a smart purchase.

To get me started I bought the following fruits and veggies today:

3 beets, 4 lemons, 1 large ginger root, 1 bag of celery, A bunch of Kale, 2 large cucumbers, 5 large carrot sticks, 4 red apples (Figi), 4 green apples (Granny smith)


This grocery run cost me $29.15.  I live in NYC so food prices are generally high.  This could get expensive since I’m thinking that what I bought today may only get me through tomorrow.  I’ll see how it goes and how much juice I get from the different items.  Most of the juicing websites tell you to buy organic fruits and vegetables.  I didn’t today, but if I last more than a day I may buy organic tomorrow.  Not sure how much it matters.

I printed out a bunch of recipes from the web.  I’m too worried about hating the taste to just throw together ingredients and experiment so I figured I’d try recipes already tested by fellow juicers.

For breakfast tomorrow I will make:  Mean Green Juice (original) – This recipe came from Joe Cross’ Reboot Your Life Website (

6 Kale Leaves, 1 Cucumber, 4 Celery Stalks, 2 Green Apples, ½ Lemon, 1 piece of Ginger

For lunch tomorrow I will make:  Beet-Apple-Carrot Juice – This recipe came from (

1 Beet, 1 Carrot Stick, 2 Red Apples

I’m waking up early tomorrow to juice for breakfast and lunch.  I can’t juice at work so I’m hoping that what I juice in the morning will taste good a few hours later for lunch.  I know its more beneficial to drink the juice immediately for its full nutrients but that just can’t happen when I’m at work.  I already separated and cleaned the fruits and veggies I’m using tomorrow morning.  I’m hoping I will have fun tomorrow and won’t bitch that I had to wake up an hour early to do it.  Happy thoughts!  Happy juicing thoughts!

I don’t expect to cleanse for too long.  I’m hoping to make it 3 days (very unlikely), would love to make it 5 days (virtually impossible) and would go nuts if I made it a full week (unbelievable and no one would believe me even if I did!).  I’m VERY worried about finding the juice absolutely disgusting.  If this is the case, I’ll probably just fast tomorrow and say I did a one-day cleanse which isn’t saying much since I just did this on Yom Kippur.

I’m excited to try something new and I hope I lose enough weight to make me feel good again and motivates me to start eating healthy and exercising again.  Stella is also cleansing so hopefully we can help motivate each other like we did when we quit smoking.

It’s 11pm – past my bedtime!!!!  Gnite!  Tomorrow, I juice!