plane-taking-off

Tuesday

As soon as the doors opened in St. Thomas I ran off of the ship hoping I’d have cell service so that I could call home. I didn’t, said, “Fuck it!” and turned my phone on roaming.

After 2 minutes on the phone with my mom she was offering to book a flight home for me. I was crying again. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if he was trying his best and his best just wasn’t good enough for me. Or, if he was blowing me off.

I told my mom not to book anything yet. I had to speak to him first. So I headed back to the ship to call him.

TurkishDelight: <unintelligible sleepy voice>
WinterInNYC: Hey, it’s me.
TurkishDelight: <unintelligible sleepy voice>
WinterInNYC: You sleeping?
TurkishDelight: <click>

Now, I was beginning to panic. I had a very short window to book a flight home, pack, get off of the ship and get to the airport. Flying out of St. Maarten the next day would have been pricey because it would have meant booking a flight through a different airline and then I’d be at sea for the final two days with no way to escape. It was now or never. I needed to talk to him!

I waited for TurkishDelight to return my call. He didn’t. So I headed up to his restaurant. He wasn’t there so I sat and waited. I called him again…no answer. I waited some more.

By 12:30pm I was back in my room replaying the past 3 days. Did the bad cancel out the good?

In my gut I knew that something had changed. If I stayed, I knew that I would be on my own for the remainder of the trip. I would have seen him at lunch and dinner, like all of the other 6,000 guests. Maybe he would have hung out in my room again if he felt like getting laid.

But we would not have been going to dinner together like he had planned a week prior. We would not have gone to the dance club or comedy club or bar together. We would not have gotten off of the boat to snorkel or shop or head to the beach.

He blew me off the night before and didn’t even have the decency to call me and let me know that he wasn’t going to come over.

And now I couldn’t reach him…when he was always reachable before.

I called my mom and told her to book the flight.

As tears ran down my face I re-packed my suitcase with dresses he never saw, shoes I never wore and lingerie that still had their price tags hanging from them.

I headed down to guest services and after getting approval to disembark the ship I called his phone again and this time he picked up.

I told him that I was leaving the ship. He seemed confused and asked me why? The phone connection was poor which made the conversation difficult but I did hear him say, “You knew that I would be working.” What I didn’t hear was an apology. I told him that I knew that he would be working when I booked and that I saw how hard he worked and how many hours he worked. I told him that I wasn’t mad, just disappointed, and that I just couldn’t be on my own for another 4 days. I told him I had to go and hung up the phone.

I had to wait till 4:00pm for the customs agent to escort me off of the ship. I was miserable. I felt as though I had a made a rash decision to leave. I was heartbroken that I didn’t have an opportunity to talk to him, before booking the flight. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling and find out if he could have made more time for me…if he even wanted to.

I called TurkishDelight back. I was sobbing on the phone and asked him to come down and see me before I left. I didn’t want it to end this way.

He told me he couldn’t because he was in a meeting and then hung up the phone.

I will never know if leaving was the right decision.
I will never know if he intended to spend more time with me but lost interest after seeing me.
I will never know if he truly was working all of those extra hours.
I will never know if he would have persuaded me to stay if I had reached him on the phone before booking the flight.
I will never know if he would have spent more time with me.
I will never know if my leaving upset him in the slightest.

What I do I know is that I’m tired of being disappointed, rejected and disregarded by men.

 

104282_20130821_050550_Triue

Advertisements

girl-on-bed-waiting-for-phone-call

Monday

He tossed and turned all night. He stole the covers. And instead of waking up to room service or morning sex like I had hoped, TurkishDelight’s ringing phone woke us at 10:00am. It was his boss telling him he had to work.

TurkishDelight jumped out of bed and got dressed. He apologized about breakfast and said we would do it another day. On his way out he mentioned that my bed wasn’t as comfortable as his bed….at that moment I knew he wouldn’t be sleeping over again.

He kissed me on the forehead and left.

I won’t bore you with the hour-by-hour cruise itinerary on my 3rd day on the ship but that day we were at sea…and I was trapped. I ate, I read, I drank, I gambled, I layed out, I listened to music, I watched TV, I masturbated, I window shopped, I explored the ship.

And I did all of this alone.

By 4:00pm I was in my room fighting off an anxiety attack.

I was so incredibly lonely and bored and disappointed and confused. Except for a 1-minute chat in front of the lunch buffet, TurkishDelight and I didn’t talk or see each other the entire day. And we had no plans to see each other.

Why hadn’t TurkishDelight planned any activities like we had discussed? Why hadn’t he he asked me to go to dinner with him? Why hadn’t we grabbed a drink between his lunch and dinner shift? Why hadn’t he told me what day he had off yet? Why hadn’t we planned an excursion for St. Thomas or St. Maarten?

A little while later my stateroom phone rang. TurkishDelight was checking in. I asked him if we could go somewhere on the ship together after he got off of work that night. We could grab a drink? Check out the comedy club? Take a walk?

But instead he told me that since the ship was headed into St. Thomas tomorrow, a US port, they had to make sure the kitchens were clean for inspection. He wouldn’t be getting off of work until 1:00am again. It would be too late to do anything. He told me this shouldn’t stop me from doing all of these things on my own.

We ended the conversation with him telling me that he would call me when he got off of work.

What the fuck!?!? He had a piece of paper in his pocket that gave him full access to the ship for 7 straight days. It was day 3 and we hadn’t gone anywhere together.

It was really starting to dawn on me that either I booked this vacation based on misinterpreted text messages or he changed his mind.

I was leaning towards the latter.

TurkishDelight made it very clear to me before booking and even after I booked that we would have plenty of time together. He told me that whenever he wasn’t working we would be together.

This was clearly not the case.

Was I over-reacting? Was I expecting too much from him? Maybe…

That night I fell asleep and woke up at 12:45am anxiously waiting for his call. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair and waited…

And waited…

And waited…

He never called.

By 2:00am I found myself crying alone in my stateroom with memories of my last cruise flooding my mind.

Could I really handle this for another 4 days?

Do-Not-Disturb

Sunday

I woke up feeling optimistic. I replayed the entire day and night in my head and reminded myself that TurkishDelight did everything he could to welcome me aboard, make me feel special and he appeared genuinely happy to see me.

I just needed to ignore the fact that he chose to sleep in a windowless broom closet at the bottom of the ship…alone….when he could have slept in my room with an ocean front terrace and a king sized bed with a guaranteed wake-up blow job.  Not a big deal at all!

The ship was docked in the Bahamas when I got out of bed. I had no intention of getting off of the ship since I had already been to the Bahamas twice, so I threw on my bathing suit and cover-up, ate a quick breakfast and headed to the top of the ship to lay out.

By 8:30am, I was swimming in my own sweat in the lounge chair and was already tired of the book I was reading on my Kindle. I thought to myself, “Fuck…this is going to be a long day!”

I decided to disembark and do what I do best…..go shopping!

I made my way back to the linen store that sold amazing bamboo sheets and purchased another set. Then I started popping in to jewelry stores and fell in love with a gorgeous Movado watch that I had no business buying, but I did.

I was back on the boat around noon and headed to the restaurant to see TurkishDelight. As I was walking up to TurkishDelight I saw him on the phone. He turned around, saw me and smiled and walked over holding up his phone. He showed me that he was calling my room at that very moment to see how I was doing.

I told him about my purchases and he told me that he couldn’t wait to see the watch later.

I sat down to eat lunch and tried to ignore the loneliness I was beginning to feel. This was the 3rd meal I was eating alone on the ship…I had 16 more to go.

Would he ever eat a meal with me?

I had three hours before my spa appointment so I headed to the Internet library to send a few emails. Afterwards, I headed back to the room to sit on my terrace and read.

My 4:30pm 75-minute bamboo massage was out of this world. After the massage I showered, threw on a long black knit dress with high-heeled sandals and headed to the casino before dinner.

At 8:30pm I called TurkishDelight to see if he was ready for me to come to dinner. He told me that he was swamped and asked me to call back in a few minutes.

I waited 20 minutes and tried him back again and he told me to come for dinner at 9:00pm. I was standing outside of the dining room waiting for my escort and the place was mobbed. By 9:20pm I was still waiting to be seated. I was starving, my feet were starting to hurt and I was beginning to feel like a nuisance.

By 9:30pm I was finally seated. TurkishDelight was so busy he barely had time to stop by my table to say hello. But I understood. I saw how hard he was working. We would have our time later.

By 10:30pm he walked me out and I asked him what time he was getting off of work. He told me that his shift ended at 11:00pm but that he had a staff meeting that would end around 1:00am. He said he would call me after the meeting.

I was bummed!!  Do cruises really have staff meetings at night? I don’t know. I will never know.

I fell asleep and woke up to the phone ringing at 1:00am. He told me he was going to come over.

We got into bed and watched a World Cup game. We talked for a while, about our families, jobs, finding love and his dream of moving to NY in a few years. As we drifted off to sleep I asked him if we could order room service in the morning and eat on the terrace together. He said yes and told me what he would order.

We didn’t kiss.
Not once.
But at least he was there…

Cruise

How many times can you be disappointed before you stop expecting?
How many times can you be rejected before you stop trying?
How many times can you be disregarded before you stop caring?

As I sat in the St. Thomas airport waiting for my delayed flight to take off…I cried. For 16 hours that day I cried. My red rimmed puffy eyes concealed by the new Ray-Bans I treated myself to for my vacation. And as I cried, and as strangers stared at me wondering what was wrong with me, I whispered to myself, “I’m tired of hurting.”

Saturday

I boarded the ship around 2pm. I headed to my stateroom, re-applied my make-up that was running down my face from the heat, straightened my hair for the 20th time that day because of the humidity and checked out my outfit in the full length mirror, again, to make sure that it was the perfect outfit to be seen in by the guy I hadn’t seen in 19 months. My nerves were out of control and after pacing the stateroom for about 15 minutes I finally built up enough courage to pick up the phone and dial his #.

WinterInNYC: TurkishDelight?
TurkishDelight: WinterInNYC!!! Where have you been? I thought you changed your mind!
WinterInNYC: Of course not!! They told me to board at 1:30pm. I just got on the ship.
TurkishDelight: Welcome! Welcome! I’m working on deck 15 – come now! Come see me!
WinterInNYC: OK! I’ll be up in a few minutes.
TurkishDelight: Great! See you soon!

Before heading upstairs there was a knock on my door. I was greeted with a bottle of champagne, a fruit plate and cupcakes with a card that read, “Enjoy – from TurkishDelight.” So thoughtful!

We hugged.

At first all I could think about was how tall he was! I didn’t remember him being that tall. When I commented on how tall he was he laughed and then I smiled because his laugh I remembered.

He sat me at a table facing the water and had a waiter bring over a glass of white wine. I lied and told him I wasn’t hungry. The first hour of him seeing me would not include stuffing my face at the buffet. I read my kindle, texted my friends and family, sipped my wine and on occasion glanced over my shoulder to checkout this hot Turkish man I was going to spend the next 7 days with.

After about an hour, I started to get antsy, so I caught his attention and told him that I was going to head back to the room and unpack. He told me that he would call me later to sign the paperwork which would give him permission to go anywhere on the ship with me…including my stateroom.

Relief washed over me. He had seen me in person and he still wanted me to sign the all-access paperwork.

He called me around 4:00pm to sign the paperwork. He reviewed the form with me and pointed out that in order for him to have access to my stateroom he had to write that I was his spouse. I smiled to myself. Lies feel good sometimes.

I headed back to my stateroom to shower and get dressed. I chose a super short long-sleeved black cotton/lace dress with very sexy camel colored 3” stiletto ankle boots. Hair done, make-up on, legs tanned, shaved and oiled, I headed to the casino to kill some time before dinner.

At 8:30pm I headed to the dining room. A waiter came out to get me and escorted me to a table in TurkishDelight’s section. As I walked over to the table, TurkishDelight was standing nearby talking to guests, and he looked up just as I was walking by. Our eyes met and he smiled. I felt relief and excitement in that moment. I was looking at a man who was genuinely happy with what he was looking at…me.

The waiters were extremely attentive to me, TurkishDelight made sure of that. Two glasses of wine later I was happy and comfortable and looking forward to a fun night. TurkishDelight stopped by my table a handful of times to see how I was doing. Towards the end of dinner I asked him what time he would be getting off of work and he told me around 10:30pm. He said he would call me when he was done.

At 10:45pm I heard the knock on my door. Finally! After 19 months of regret. After 19 months of kicking myself in the ass for not getting dressed and throwing on some make-up to hang out with a ridiculously hot man at 8:00pm on a Thursday night, I was finally getting my 2nd date.

We talked for a long time. I was feeling confident and pretty and smart and proud of myself for taking such a big risk by going on this cruise by myself.

At one point he mentioned that his shift this week was lunch and dinner, he tried, but couldn’t switch. I was disappointed and a little worried. I knew what this meant. He would be working almost the entire day every day for the next 7 days. I tried to stay positive. We would make the best of it. I would make the best of it.

After what seemed like forever, he got up off the couch to pour some more champagne and on his return to the couch he kissed me. And in that instant I was transported back to that dark sidewalk on the upper west side of Manhattan on a cold winter day.

It had taken 19 months but it was worth the wait.

Midway through the evening we found ourselves standing on the terrace over looking the dark ocean. The stars were out, the air was heavy and all you could hear was the ship crawling through the waves. It was extremely romantic. When he came up from behind me, moved my hair away from my neck and started to nibble on my ear and then moved slowly down my neck, I melted.

I led him back to the bed for round two.

By 2:00am he told me that he had to get up early for staff room inspections and was going to go. I was definitely disappointed to hear that he wasn’t sleeping over. He sensed my disappointment and asked me if that was ok? I lied, and said of course it was. I told him I understood. He said he would stay over the next night.

He kissed me goodnight on my lips and then on my forehead.

My first day on the ship had gone remarkably well but as I drifted off to sleep I had this unsettling feeling….why didn’t he stay?

Life Saver

Although I had sworn off Israeli men I went against my better judgment when a beautiful 23-year-old Israeli keep looking at my JDate profile. For weeks, every few days, he appeared in my “Members that have viewed you” section.

After 10 views I finally wrote him an email: “You are super cute and super young but I just had to say hello!”

This email led to a delightful friends with benefits situation…my first actually and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

After talking for about 2 months and hanging out a handful of times, I received a text from him telling me that he wanted to end our relationship. I was a tad disappointed but I wasn’t expecting anything out of the “relationship” other than some fun (as my friend Wendy always tells me, “You have to clean the cobwebs out every once in awhile!”) but I was hurt when he told me that he was heading back to Israel in a month and didn’t want to keep in touch.

This I didn’t get. What’s the big deal with being friends with someone on Facebook?

Take me and my Turkish Delight for example. We spent 4 wonderful hours together and we still keep in touch through Facebook and I met him over a year and a half ago…and he lives on a cruise ship for Christ’s sake!.

So after deleting the Israeli from my phone, I opened up Facebook Messenger to say hello to my Turkish Delight and tell him that I still thought he was a great guy!

Facebook Messenger Chat:

WinterInNYC: Hey! Just wanted to say hello and see how u were.
Turkish Delight: Thanks babe all good working still on the ship.
WinterInNYC: Having fun?
Turkish Delight: Not much 😦 Same old thing. How are you?
WinterInNYC: Bored. I need a vacation. Trying to plan something for the summer.
Turkish Delight: Come here. Come on my ship.
WinterInNYC: Eh. Bad cruise experience…I think I’d rather lay on a beach somewhere.
Turkish Delight: Come down here for a cruise WinterInNYC. You will have a great vacation. Promise!
WinterInNYC: We haven’t seen each other in 1.5 years!
Turkish Delight: Yup! Come! Be my guest! I never forgot our kiss!
WinterInNYC: 🙂 It was a good kiss!

2 days later…..

WinterInNYC: I want to visit.
Turkish Delight: You can babe. Whenever you want. You will be my guest.

4 days later…..

WinterInNYC: Are you sure you want a visitor?
Turkish Delight: I like you. You are a nice girl and you need a vacation. I am here. I will take care of you.
WinterInNYC: I’m nervous.
Turkish Delight: Babe its up to you but if you want to feel happy and if you want me to take care of you come.
WinterInNYC: I want to see you its just scary!
Turkish Delight: Babe this is a huge ship. There are many things to do other than me!
WinterInNYC: Very funny!
Turkish Delight: I will have lots of time to spend with you. Come.

2 days later….

Turkish Delight: Hi babe! What’s up? Are you coming?
WinterInNYC: Hey! Haven’t made up my mind yet….
Turkish Delight: Ok let me know.

1 day later….

WinterInNYC: I’m booked!
Turkish Delight: Awesome!!!

Holy fuck! Now what?!?