liebster-award1

I’m really grateful that my pitiful dating existence comprised of ridiculous stories about monster cocks, vulgar semen, sex so bad I need to shop at Costco for batteries and assholes that I like who never like me back has awarded me my 2nd Leibster Blog Award!

Thank you ID’s RED BOOK. I have a little cum on my face because I have not been following your blog and for that I apologize. I am now a follower and look forward to learning all about you. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope I continue to keep you interested and coming back for more!

Some of my readers have questioned whether or not all of my stories are true. How can one girl really have this much bad luck/crazy shit happen to her? Believe it or not….this is my life! My desire to love and be loved combined with a sex drive like a dog in heat plus a filthy mouth equal to a sailor’s, makes writing fun for you, my readers, and therapeutic for me. So…as long as crazy fucks continue to find me and fuck me and as long as I can continue to laugh after I cry after every bad date or failed relationship I will write.

I hope to satisfy some of your curiosities about WinterInNYC:

11 Questions to me from ID’s RED BOOK:

1. Is your blog better than mine? Don’t try to be objective, I want completely subjective.

I wish I could answer this question but I can’t since I just started to read your blog. Fuck, I feel like such a selfish twat. I promise to read and comment and like….and if that’s not enough I’ll just blow you….OK? Oh and if posting more often = better blog than yes…you win!

2. What is the most disgusting thing that you’ve ever seen… during sex?

Myself in a mirror….I hate hotels and their damn mirrors!

3. Can you properly use there, their, and they’re in a single sentence?

I asked the guys at the bar if they’re into anal and they said that they were but that their girlfriends wouldn’t let them put it in there!

4. Which 80′s band had the best sense of style? And why? (minimum 100 words)

I was born in 1980 and know very little about 80’s bands or their sense of style. Again…please forgive me for not answering and ignoring your 100 word requirement….I can lick your balls too?

5. Have you ever had an STI/STD?

No!

6. If you answered “Yes” to #5, have you ever had sex with me?

N/A

7. Do you have any coyote ugly stories? Please share.

No…the men I fuck usually leave a few minutes after they cum. Real gentlemen!

8. Do you believe that Jim Henson is the fucking man? Explain your answer in at least 100 words.

Any man that can find a pig a boyfriend is the fucking man in my book! He has given me hope!

9. Have you ever had sex while on any illegal substances? If so, would you recommend I try it?

Can’t say I have. I smoked weed in college but never got laid. Maybe I should start though….we can try it together!

10. You’re all bloggers, which post that you’ve written is your favorite?

Tough one! I would have to say my favorite blog is Mommy…What’s a _ _ _ _? My blog isn’t just about sex and dating…its about my life and this post is a good glimpse into my past and why I am the way I am.

11. If you answered “No” to #5 and #6, will you have sex with me for nominating you for this award? (Did anyone else notice that all the blogs I’ve nominated are written by women? Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.)

Ha! Well I already offered a blow job and ball licking…so sure!

11 Random Facts about me:

1. I had horribly crooked fucked up teeth until the age of 25 when I got invisalign. Best money I ever spent.

2. I got my first vibrator at the age of 19. It was forest green. My friends gave it to me at a bowling alley where I was celebrating my birthday.

3. I love to go bowling.

4. I once kept my grandparents waiting for me for dinner at a kosher deli because I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob on my parent’s waterbed. From that day forward I can’t eat matzah ball soup without thinking of blowjobs.

5. In high school I wanted to be a meteorologist and was accepted into Penn State’s meteorology program. Only 20 students from around the world were accepted. When the school told me I would need to spend my entire summer taking math classes I decided not to go. I was in love and didn’t want to miss out on a summer with Ryan. 17 year olds should not be in charge of their futures.

6. I believe in God. I talk to him all the time.

7. Senior year my sorority sisters voted me “Sister Most Likely To Suck The Chrome Off A Trailor Hitch”.

8. I fear that I won’t be strong enough to put my dog down. I pray that I won’t have to make that decision.

9. The 1st time I smoked weed I was a junior in college. I took 8 bong hits, went to a bar, threw up all over my shoes in the parking lot and then drove home.

10. I got my first bikini wax last week and I must admit I feel fucking sexy!

11. I once went on a blind date and the guy told me that I looked like a girl from MTV’s Real World….”You know the one, the pretty girl that needs to lose weight.”

Blogs I’m Nominating – These are the blogs that I thoroughly look forward to reading and hope they don’t hate me for sharing the love:

1. MeAndDating
2. Soon2BeCatLady
3. They Told Me To Find A Rich Husband
4. The Unfortunate Virgin Male
5. My So-Called Adventures In Dating

11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. Have you ever slept with someone and found out after the fact that they were married?

2. Could you ever stay with someone who cheated on you?

3. What would be the theme song of your life?

4. Did you ever steal something? What? Why?

5. Name 3 must-haves and 3 can’t stands in your ideal mate.

6. What’s your most embarrassing moment?

7. What vegetable do you most likely resemble?

8. Would you rather eat a diarrhea dipped banana or a sperm filled twinkie?

9. Who is your celebrity free pass?

10. What was your favorite gift?

11. Where was the craziest place you orgasmed?

For future Liebster Award recipients, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

List these rules in your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

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I was on a crowded cross-town bus last week headed to work and I was standing next to a father and his daughter who was about 4 or 5 years old.  Next to them was a woman in her mid 40s with…how should I put this….sharp facial features.  The little girl looked at the woman standing next to her and said to her father “Know who she looks like Daddy?”  The woman heard the little girl say this and asked her, “Who do I look like?”

Now I’m standing there holding my breathe…pretending I’m not listening…knowing that this little girl is absolutely going to say that this woman looks like a Disney villain and completely embarrass the woman, the father and all of the commuters in ear shot of this little girl’s innocent observation.

The father quickly said to the little girl, “No no no sweetie…that’s not nice.”  Thankfully the bus started to clear out, the father steered his daughter toward the back of the bus and I was able to move away from Cruella Deville and her miserable morning commute.

I know that the little girl meant no harm and I’m sure most parents have had those moments where their kids say completely inappropriate and embarrassing things to people where all they want to do is crawl under a rock….or kill their kids.

Just ask my mother!

When I was about 8 my sister played baseball in a little league program.  I would go to all the games and play with the other siblings who weren’t athletic enough to play on their own sports teams.

So one day I was standing in the dugout with one of the player’s moms, Mrs. P and my mom.  I looked up at Mrs. P and said to her very matter-of-factly, “Mrs. P…you have a big nose.”  I don’t know what possessed me to say this.  She did have a big nose and I guess at that very moment I felt like telling her that I had noticed.

Mrs. P took my insult in stride and responded with, “Why yes, WinterInNYC, I do.”

My mother was utterly embarrassed and apologized on my behalf.  But Mrs. P was pretty cool about it and said to my mom, “She’s just being honest.”

Fast-forward 5 years, now I’m 13 and I have a big nose.  REALLY?!?  The bad hair wasn’t enough????….being fat wasn’t enough???  The crooked teeth weren’t enough?!?  Why God Why???

I go through phases of wanting a nose job and then not wanting one.  I’ve had several plastic surgery consultations over the years where all of the doctors have told me what the perfect nose should look like and how for $8,000 I can have one.  One surgeon also offered a chin implant and liposuction for an additional $4,000.  Thanks doc….not only do I have a big nose but I’m fat and chinless too.  GO ME!

When it comes to plastic surgery my feeling is this…I don’t judge.  You need it, you want it, you have the money….go for it!  But I won’t risk it (at this point in my life) if the outcome could be worse than what I started with.  So for me, as big as my nose is….I’d rather a long nose than a botched up “nose job” nose so many women are walking around with.  Basically, I don’t want to look like a person who had a nose job.

To this day, my family and I joke that I got a big nose because I told Mrs. P that she had one….and God punished me.

When I was 15, I took a babysitting job my cousin wasn’t available for.  The girl was 6 years old and as we sat in her kitchen playing a board game she said to me, “You have a big nose.”

You’re fucked kid…what goes around comes around!

This past spring I was restless.  I was bored.  I needed to do something with my life!!  I thought a vacation could be fun especially since my last vacation was with my then boyfriend….and while on the trip I found out he was cheating on me….so the relationship ended….before the vacation ended.  It was AWESOME!!!

Since I was single, I figured I should look into a singles tour group.  I’d get away and maybe meet some new friends.

I found a great singles travel site and they were offering tons of trips but I was ecstatic when I saw that they had a trip to Israel in late August.  I had always wanted to visit Israel, and like a shmuck, I regrettably missed out on the birthright trip.

I was scared shitless to take a trip by myself, to Israel, with a bunch of strangers.  I was going, then I wasn’t going, then I was going.  This went on for several weeks.  And then finally I said FUCK IT!!   I’m going – what’s the worst that can happen (besides getting blown up on a bus)?? Even if I hate the people I’m with I’ll be seeing Israel!!!!

I had the time of my life!!!  It was by far the best trip I had ever been on.  I laughed for 10 straight days, saw places I had been dreaming about seeing AND I met some great friends (shout out to Dr. Habibi and The Best Tour Guide for Israel!!!)

Now I don’t know if when people say things they are trying to be insulting or if they just don’t think before they speak and say things that turn out to be rude.  You be the judge…

One day we were in Jerusalem eating in the Jewish Quarter.  Dr. Habibi and I decided to get falafel sandwiches and two other group members joined us.

This sandwich was by no means BIG. It was a standard size pita bread filled with falafel and hummus and veggies.   It was delicious!!!!

Dr. Habibi and I were enjoying our meal and another female in our group (who put nothing in her mouth the entire 10 days except for beer and penis) was holding her “GIGANTIC” sandwich and about 6 times commented on “HOW BIG THIS SANDWICH IS!!!”  Over and over and over again, she kept telling everyone how HUGE it was and how FULL she was and how she couldn’t eat another bite!!!

As I’m forced to listen to her anorexic rant, I continue to eat and SHOCKER….I ate the whole goddamn thing.  How??  Because it tasted great and it was only one fucking pita.  The anorexic ate about a quarter of her sandwich, put it back on her plate and told the entire group how STUFFED she was!  I think she actually rubbed her stomach while she said this!!

Hey anorexic girl….if you don’t want to eat….then don’t fucking eat!!  But stop making it out like I’m a fat slob because I can eat a whole sandwich.  WOAH!!!

It didn’t stop there, later that night, we were deciding where to eat for dinner and the 2 bite sandwich eater made ANOTHER comment that she couldn’t even think about dinner since she was still full from lunch!

I personally think, she knew what she was doing.  It’s fucking rude to make comments about the size of your plate and your inability to eat all of it when others at the table already ate theirs!!!  You think I’m a fat fuck…That’s FINE.  I’m on vacation bitch!!!  I’m going to eat my falafel sandwich….ALL OF IT….and love it!!

My sandwich…                                      Her sandwich…

Pita.1                          Pita.2

Needless to say she was my least favorite person on the trip!

The _ _ _ Hour Cleanse!

November 12, 2012

I was tossing and turning all night last night because I was so excited about the cleanse.  I normally lay in bed thinking about all of the sex I’m not having so it was a nice change to think about something else.  I woke up bright and early at 6am and was ready to juice.

The juicer was amazing.  It was easy to use and as a first time juicer it was pretty much idiot proof.  It took me 30 minutes to juice the two drinks and clean the machine twice.

Unfortunately, as I started juicing, especially the Mean Green Juice, the smell started to emanate from the container, my stomach started to turn, and I began to realize that I wasn’t going to be able to do this.  The juice really smelled horrible.

I sat on the bus for 30 minutes headed to work and the entire time I was talking myself into the cleanse.  As much as I told myself I could do it, I knew it would be impossible.  I arrived at work and poured the green concoction into a glass filled with ice and took a sip.  This juice was definitely one of the worst things I have ever put into my mouth.  And trust me, I do not say this lightly.  I’ve had my fair share of nasty sweaty smelly boy parts in and around my mouth and those tasted like chocolate covered bananas and strawberries compared to what this Mean Green Juice tasted like.  Now I know why its called “Mean.”

One sip of the Mean Green Juice and one sip of the Beet-Apple-Carrot Juice and I knew that this was as far as I could go with the cleanse.  I didn’t want to break the news to Stella since she liked the juice she made so I just sat in my office pretending to be drinking but instead I was trying to figure out how I could sneak egg whites on whole wheat toast into the office without Stella knowing.  I was also trying to figure out what to do with a $200 juicer!

At approximately 9:38am (I got into work at 8:30am) Stella walked into my office.  I was waiting for her to yell at me to drink the juice.  I couldn’t even look at her.  It was written all over my face that I wasn’t putting one more drop of this liquid shit into my mouth.  But instead she told me that she was done.  Between the time it took her to juice, the cuts on her fingers from cleaning the juicer, the calorie count for the fruits and vegetables and the hunger pains that couldn’t be ignored, Stella realized that to lose a few pounds she would be better off just eating healthy and exercising.  Yay!!  She was done so I was off the hook!

So, I made it through a one hour juice cleanse.  Although I dumped the cleanse I did eat exceptionally healthy today which I plan on continuing because I do need to lose weight.  But the juice cleanse just wasn’t for me.  I spent a total of $231.  Of course I don’t like wasting money but I’ve lost more money in my lifetime so I’m trying not to regret the attempt.  I plan on keeping the juicer and lending it out if anyone needs it.  I also plan on juicing the remaining fruits and vegetables for someone at work who thought the juice was delicious so the food won’t go to waste.

The cleanse was a complete failure but I’m glad we tried something new.

What’s next Stella?