I can’t catch a break. Apparently there is no middle ground for me in the online dating world. I either meet a guy that won’t text me back for days or I meet a guy that when he doesn’t hear back from me within….8 minutes….turns into a needy little bitch.

Which brings me to Tony, a 36-year-old decent looking guy with a good IT job and his own house (in the same town as me) who would flip out if I didn’t respond to his texts RIGHT AWAY….

5:58pm – Tony: Can I call u when off train
6:01pm – Tony: ??
6:06pm – Tony: Guess not
6:09pm – WinterInNYC: I put my phone down!

The funniest part about this is that I’m a super fast responder to texts. Most of my friends know that if I don’t text back right away it means I’m having sex, taking a shower, driving or pissed at them. So for someone to freak out on me for not responding quickly enough only showed me that this guy was fucking suffocating.

At 9pm Tony called me and we had a great conversation. We talked for over an hour and when I hung up with him I was optimistic that I had just met a really nice guy. I’d just ignore his earlier texts…I’m sure that’s not his norm!

I was getting ready to throw on some porn and get into bed with my vibrator when I got a text…

Tony: Sweet dreams
WinterInNYC: 🙂 u too
Tony: u are adorable
WinterInNYC: 🙂
Tony: I was really sad to hang up you are really easy to talk to
WinterInNYC: Thanks – there will be more to come
Tony: What type phone u got?
WinterInNYC: Iphone
Tony: Facetime for a min with me
WinterInNYC: No
Tony: Why
WinterInNYC: Bc I’m tired and not wearing makeup and ready for bed
Tony: Stop I don’t care
WinterInNYC: But I do – please….
Tony: Not nice at all
WinterInNYC: I am nice – Gnite Tony
Tony: Wow
WinterInNYC : I’m tired
Tony: Whatever that is mean
WinterInNYC: No its not!
Tony: It is. I leave you alone sorry

But the mother-fucker DIDN’T leave me alone…for the next 30 minutes I had to explain to him why I didn’t want to Facetime and why he should be more understanding.

He just wouldn’t take no for an answer! The memory of our first great phone conversation quickly vanished and was replaced by this ridiculously horrible nonsense child-like texting. He was exhausting and this was the first day we started talking….

I finally turned off my phone realizing he had drained all of my energy. Bad night all around! Not only was I too tired to play with my vagina but I was pretty confident that Tony had one too.

We were off to a great start!

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I recently bought a treadmill to help make me less of a fat fuck. Since I live in a shoebox it was a huge task trying to find space for it while trying to keep my apt. looking cute and inviting.

After staring at my furniture for a good hour, I decided that throwing away my TV stand was my only option for making room for the treadmill. This forced me to go through the crap that I had stored in the TV stand for the past 10 years. I found the following VHS tapes – Shag, The Lion King, High School Intramural Night 1997, High School Sportsnite 1998, Sigma Delta Tau Senior Brunch 2002 and my favorite…..an old porn video that I stole from my parents basement when I moved out of my house in 2003 (Let’s not even discuss why I had a VHS tape of The Lion King in my apt…Hakuna Matata…ok I am a fucking loser!!!).

I remember sneaking into our basement when I was 14 and snooping through my parent’s junk. God only knows what I thought I would find down there….we didn’t have any hidden treasures. I did however find a box of videos. Most of them didn’t have labels on them but one read “Debbie Does Dallas” and I knew that I had hit the jackpot.

When my parents would leave me home alone, I would run down to the basement and grab a video. With my eyes glued to the TV my ears would be listening for my parent’s car…as soon as I heard their car pull up to the house I would press eject, run back down to the basement, throw the tape back in the box, run back upstairs and switch the channel to something G rated hoping my flushed faced didn’t give away my secret. They never had a clue that their 14-year old daughter was a pervert!!!!

My family went to Atlantic City a lot when I was growing up. At night, my parents would leave my sister and I alone in the room while they went to the casino. We would usually watch TV or sometimes our parents would let us buy a movie from the hotel.

When I found myself alone in the room….SHOCKER….I would flip to the porn channels. As in most hotels, you could watch any of the movie channels for about 2 minutes and then the movie would stop and a purchase menu would pop up. If you wanted to buy the movie you had to press a certain button on the remote.

I had this down pat….watch for two…click”No”…change channel….watch for two…click “No”…change channel….this could go on for awhile considering there were about 10 XXX channels.

But then one time…I fucked up!!!! I hit the wrong button!!! I don’t know what happened…I just pressed the wrong fucking button!!! My life was over.

I had just purchased a porn for $19.99 that was ABSOLUTELY going to show up on my parents hotel bill. That night I had my first anxiety attack. I was freaking out and crying hysterically.

After a few minutes I composed myself enough to pick up the hotel phone to call the front desk. In my most grown-up voice, I told the front desk concierge that by accident I had purchased a movie that I did not want to watch and could she please remove the charge? She told me to hold a moment while she pulled up the account. I KNEW that she could see that I had just bought “When Harry Ate Sally.” I wanted to DIE!!!!

A minute went by and finally she came back on the line and kindly told me that the charge would be removed. I thanked her…crawled in to bed shaking and prayed that this nightmare was over….I would NEVER watch porn again!

That lasted about a month. I’ve upgraded since then to DVDs and of course we have the Internet now. Although there is a stigma associated with porn, I don’t think I’m weird, or dirty. As a kid I was curious and I think watching my parents grainy 70’s porn in the privacy of my own home was a lot better than what other girls my age were doing……

As an adult, I think porn is fun…I think it can help get things going. I also think it’s a great way to figure out what you like and what your partner likes. If you offer up porn to your partner and he searches for “big & beautiful/Jewish/blowjobs” I know I’m in like flynn! If he searches for “anorexic/one-legged/grandma/midget” I think its time to get out of bed, search for my panties, and escort him to the door. If he searches for “farting” videos I don’t jump to any conclusions until I ask him if he gets off on this or if he just finds it funny.

Dear Friends – If I should die, PLEASE……delete my Internet browser history!

I would hate for my family to learn that I searched for “group orgy/ball gag/monster black cock.”