plane-taking-off

Tuesday

As soon as the doors opened in St. Thomas I ran off of the ship hoping I’d have cell service so that I could call home. I didn’t, said, “Fuck it!” and turned my phone on roaming.

After 2 minutes on the phone with my mom she was offering to book a flight home for me. I was crying again. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if he was trying his best and his best just wasn’t good enough for me. Or, if he was blowing me off.

I told my mom not to book anything yet. I had to speak to him first. So I headed back to the ship to call him.

TurkishDelight: <unintelligible sleepy voice>
WinterInNYC: Hey, it’s me.
TurkishDelight: <unintelligible sleepy voice>
WinterInNYC: You sleeping?
TurkishDelight: <click>

Now, I was beginning to panic. I had a very short window to book a flight home, pack, get off of the ship and get to the airport. Flying out of St. Maarten the next day would have been pricey because it would have meant booking a flight through a different airline and then I’d be at sea for the final two days with no way to escape. It was now or never. I needed to talk to him!

I waited for TurkishDelight to return my call. He didn’t. So I headed up to his restaurant. He wasn’t there so I sat and waited. I called him again…no answer. I waited some more.

By 12:30pm I was back in my room replaying the past 3 days. Did the bad cancel out the good?

In my gut I knew that something had changed. If I stayed, I knew that I would be on my own for the remainder of the trip. I would have seen him at lunch and dinner, like all of the other 6,000 guests. Maybe he would have hung out in my room again if he felt like getting laid.

But we would not have been going to dinner together like he had planned a week prior. We would not have gone to the dance club or comedy club or bar together. We would not have gotten off of the boat to snorkel or shop or head to the beach.

He blew me off the night before and didn’t even have the decency to call me and let me know that he wasn’t going to come over.

And now I couldn’t reach him…when he was always reachable before.

I called my mom and told her to book the flight.

As tears ran down my face I re-packed my suitcase with dresses he never saw, shoes I never wore and lingerie that still had their price tags hanging from them.

I headed down to guest services and after getting approval to disembark the ship I called his phone again and this time he picked up.

I told him that I was leaving the ship. He seemed confused and asked me why? The phone connection was poor which made the conversation difficult but I did hear him say, “You knew that I would be working.” What I didn’t hear was an apology. I told him that I knew that he would be working when I booked and that I saw how hard he worked and how many hours he worked. I told him that I wasn’t mad, just disappointed, and that I just couldn’t be on my own for another 4 days. I told him I had to go and hung up the phone.

I had to wait till 4:00pm for the customs agent to escort me off of the ship. I was miserable. I felt as though I had a made a rash decision to leave. I was heartbroken that I didn’t have an opportunity to talk to him, before booking the flight. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling and find out if he could have made more time for me…if he even wanted to.

I called TurkishDelight back. I was sobbing on the phone and asked him to come down and see me before I left. I didn’t want it to end this way.

He told me he couldn’t because he was in a meeting and then hung up the phone.

I will never know if leaving was the right decision.
I will never know if he intended to spend more time with me but lost interest after seeing me.
I will never know if he truly was working all of those extra hours.
I will never know if he would have persuaded me to stay if I had reached him on the phone before booking the flight.
I will never know if he would have spent more time with me.
I will never know if my leaving upset him in the slightest.

What I do I know is that I’m tired of being disappointed, rejected and disregarded by men.

 

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girl-on-bed-waiting-for-phone-call

Monday

He tossed and turned all night. He stole the covers. And instead of waking up to room service or morning sex like I had hoped, TurkishDelight’s ringing phone woke us at 10:00am. It was his boss telling him he had to work.

TurkishDelight jumped out of bed and got dressed. He apologized about breakfast and said we would do it another day. On his way out he mentioned that my bed wasn’t as comfortable as his bed….at that moment I knew he wouldn’t be sleeping over again.

He kissed me on the forehead and left.

I won’t bore you with the hour-by-hour cruise itinerary on my 3rd day on the ship but that day we were at sea…and I was trapped. I ate, I read, I drank, I gambled, I layed out, I listened to music, I watched TV, I masturbated, I window shopped, I explored the ship.

And I did all of this alone.

By 4:00pm I was in my room fighting off an anxiety attack.

I was so incredibly lonely and bored and disappointed and confused. Except for a 1-minute chat in front of the lunch buffet, TurkishDelight and I didn’t talk or see each other the entire day. And we had no plans to see each other.

Why hadn’t TurkishDelight planned any activities like we had discussed? Why hadn’t he he asked me to go to dinner with him? Why hadn’t we grabbed a drink between his lunch and dinner shift? Why hadn’t he told me what day he had off yet? Why hadn’t we planned an excursion for St. Thomas or St. Maarten?

A little while later my stateroom phone rang. TurkishDelight was checking in. I asked him if we could go somewhere on the ship together after he got off of work that night. We could grab a drink? Check out the comedy club? Take a walk?

But instead he told me that since the ship was headed into St. Thomas tomorrow, a US port, they had to make sure the kitchens were clean for inspection. He wouldn’t be getting off of work until 1:00am again. It would be too late to do anything. He told me this shouldn’t stop me from doing all of these things on my own.

We ended the conversation with him telling me that he would call me when he got off of work.

What the fuck!?!? He had a piece of paper in his pocket that gave him full access to the ship for 7 straight days. It was day 3 and we hadn’t gone anywhere together.

It was really starting to dawn on me that either I booked this vacation based on misinterpreted text messages or he changed his mind.

I was leaning towards the latter.

TurkishDelight made it very clear to me before booking and even after I booked that we would have plenty of time together. He told me that whenever he wasn’t working we would be together.

This was clearly not the case.

Was I over-reacting? Was I expecting too much from him? Maybe…

That night I fell asleep and woke up at 12:45am anxiously waiting for his call. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair and waited…

And waited…

And waited…

He never called.

By 2:00am I found myself crying alone in my stateroom with memories of my last cruise flooding my mind.

Could I really handle this for another 4 days?

Do-Not-Disturb

Sunday

I woke up feeling optimistic. I replayed the entire day and night in my head and reminded myself that TurkishDelight did everything he could to welcome me aboard, make me feel special and he appeared genuinely happy to see me.

I just needed to ignore the fact that he chose to sleep in a windowless broom closet at the bottom of the ship…alone….when he could have slept in my room with an ocean front terrace and a king sized bed with a guaranteed wake-up blow job.  Not a big deal at all!

The ship was docked in the Bahamas when I got out of bed. I had no intention of getting off of the ship since I had already been to the Bahamas twice, so I threw on my bathing suit and cover-up, ate a quick breakfast and headed to the top of the ship to lay out.

By 8:30am, I was swimming in my own sweat in the lounge chair and was already tired of the book I was reading on my Kindle. I thought to myself, “Fuck…this is going to be a long day!”

I decided to disembark and do what I do best…..go shopping!

I made my way back to the linen store that sold amazing bamboo sheets and purchased another set. Then I started popping in to jewelry stores and fell in love with a gorgeous Movado watch that I had no business buying, but I did.

I was back on the boat around noon and headed to the restaurant to see TurkishDelight. As I was walking up to TurkishDelight I saw him on the phone. He turned around, saw me and smiled and walked over holding up his phone. He showed me that he was calling my room at that very moment to see how I was doing.

I told him about my purchases and he told me that he couldn’t wait to see the watch later.

I sat down to eat lunch and tried to ignore the loneliness I was beginning to feel. This was the 3rd meal I was eating alone on the ship…I had 16 more to go.

Would he ever eat a meal with me?

I had three hours before my spa appointment so I headed to the Internet library to send a few emails. Afterwards, I headed back to the room to sit on my terrace and read.

My 4:30pm 75-minute bamboo massage was out of this world. After the massage I showered, threw on a long black knit dress with high-heeled sandals and headed to the casino before dinner.

At 8:30pm I called TurkishDelight to see if he was ready for me to come to dinner. He told me that he was swamped and asked me to call back in a few minutes.

I waited 20 minutes and tried him back again and he told me to come for dinner at 9:00pm. I was standing outside of the dining room waiting for my escort and the place was mobbed. By 9:20pm I was still waiting to be seated. I was starving, my feet were starting to hurt and I was beginning to feel like a nuisance.

By 9:30pm I was finally seated. TurkishDelight was so busy he barely had time to stop by my table to say hello. But I understood. I saw how hard he was working. We would have our time later.

By 10:30pm he walked me out and I asked him what time he was getting off of work. He told me that his shift ended at 11:00pm but that he had a staff meeting that would end around 1:00am. He said he would call me after the meeting.

I was bummed!!  Do cruises really have staff meetings at night? I don’t know. I will never know.

I fell asleep and woke up to the phone ringing at 1:00am. He told me he was going to come over.

We got into bed and watched a World Cup game. We talked for a while, about our families, jobs, finding love and his dream of moving to NY in a few years. As we drifted off to sleep I asked him if we could order room service in the morning and eat on the terrace together. He said yes and told me what he would order.

We didn’t kiss.
Not once.
But at least he was there…

Cruise

How many times can you be disappointed before you stop expecting?
How many times can you be rejected before you stop trying?
How many times can you be disregarded before you stop caring?

As I sat in the St. Thomas airport waiting for my delayed flight to take off…I cried. For 16 hours that day I cried. My red rimmed puffy eyes concealed by the new Ray-Bans I treated myself to for my vacation. And as I cried, and as strangers stared at me wondering what was wrong with me, I whispered to myself, “I’m tired of hurting.”

Saturday

I boarded the ship around 2pm. I headed to my stateroom, re-applied my make-up that was running down my face from the heat, straightened my hair for the 20th time that day because of the humidity and checked out my outfit in the full length mirror, again, to make sure that it was the perfect outfit to be seen in by the guy I hadn’t seen in 19 months. My nerves were out of control and after pacing the stateroom for about 15 minutes I finally built up enough courage to pick up the phone and dial his #.

WinterInNYC: TurkishDelight?
TurkishDelight: WinterInNYC!!! Where have you been? I thought you changed your mind!
WinterInNYC: Of course not!! They told me to board at 1:30pm. I just got on the ship.
TurkishDelight: Welcome! Welcome! I’m working on deck 15 – come now! Come see me!
WinterInNYC: OK! I’ll be up in a few minutes.
TurkishDelight: Great! See you soon!

Before heading upstairs there was a knock on my door. I was greeted with a bottle of champagne, a fruit plate and cupcakes with a card that read, “Enjoy – from TurkishDelight.” So thoughtful!

We hugged.

At first all I could think about was how tall he was! I didn’t remember him being that tall. When I commented on how tall he was he laughed and then I smiled because his laugh I remembered.

He sat me at a table facing the water and had a waiter bring over a glass of white wine. I lied and told him I wasn’t hungry. The first hour of him seeing me would not include stuffing my face at the buffet. I read my kindle, texted my friends and family, sipped my wine and on occasion glanced over my shoulder to checkout this hot Turkish man I was going to spend the next 7 days with.

After about an hour, I started to get antsy, so I caught his attention and told him that I was going to head back to the room and unpack. He told me that he would call me later to sign the paperwork which would give him permission to go anywhere on the ship with me…including my stateroom.

Relief washed over me. He had seen me in person and he still wanted me to sign the all-access paperwork.

He called me around 4:00pm to sign the paperwork. He reviewed the form with me and pointed out that in order for him to have access to my stateroom he had to write that I was his spouse. I smiled to myself. Lies feel good sometimes.

I headed back to my stateroom to shower and get dressed. I chose a super short long-sleeved black cotton/lace dress with very sexy camel colored 3” stiletto ankle boots. Hair done, make-up on, legs tanned, shaved and oiled, I headed to the casino to kill some time before dinner.

At 8:30pm I headed to the dining room. A waiter came out to get me and escorted me to a table in TurkishDelight’s section. As I walked over to the table, TurkishDelight was standing nearby talking to guests, and he looked up just as I was walking by. Our eyes met and he smiled. I felt relief and excitement in that moment. I was looking at a man who was genuinely happy with what he was looking at…me.

The waiters were extremely attentive to me, TurkishDelight made sure of that. Two glasses of wine later I was happy and comfortable and looking forward to a fun night. TurkishDelight stopped by my table a handful of times to see how I was doing. Towards the end of dinner I asked him what time he would be getting off of work and he told me around 10:30pm. He said he would call me when he was done.

At 10:45pm I heard the knock on my door. Finally! After 19 months of regret. After 19 months of kicking myself in the ass for not getting dressed and throwing on some make-up to hang out with a ridiculously hot man at 8:00pm on a Thursday night, I was finally getting my 2nd date.

We talked for a long time. I was feeling confident and pretty and smart and proud of myself for taking such a big risk by going on this cruise by myself.

At one point he mentioned that his shift this week was lunch and dinner, he tried, but couldn’t switch. I was disappointed and a little worried. I knew what this meant. He would be working almost the entire day every day for the next 7 days. I tried to stay positive. We would make the best of it. I would make the best of it.

After what seemed like forever, he got up off the couch to pour some more champagne and on his return to the couch he kissed me. And in that instant I was transported back to that dark sidewalk on the upper west side of Manhattan on a cold winter day.

It had taken 19 months but it was worth the wait.

Midway through the evening we found ourselves standing on the terrace over looking the dark ocean. The stars were out, the air was heavy and all you could hear was the ship crawling through the waves. It was extremely romantic. When he came up from behind me, moved my hair away from my neck and started to nibble on my ear and then moved slowly down my neck, I melted.

I led him back to the bed for round two.

By 2:00am he told me that he had to get up early for staff room inspections and was going to go. I was definitely disappointed to hear that he wasn’t sleeping over. He sensed my disappointment and asked me if that was ok? I lied, and said of course it was. I told him I understood. He said he would stay over the next night.

He kissed me goodnight on my lips and then on my forehead.

My first day on the ship had gone remarkably well but as I drifted off to sleep I had this unsettling feeling….why didn’t he stay?

Life Saver

Although I had sworn off Israeli men I went against my better judgment when a beautiful 23-year-old Israeli keep looking at my JDate profile. For weeks, every few days, he appeared in my “Members that have viewed you” section.

After 10 views I finally wrote him an email: “You are super cute and super young but I just had to say hello!”

This email led to a delightful friends with benefits situation…my first actually and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

After talking for about 2 months and hanging out a handful of times, I received a text from him telling me that he wanted to end our relationship. I was a tad disappointed but I wasn’t expecting anything out of the “relationship” other than some fun (as my friend Wendy always tells me, “You have to clean the cobwebs out every once in awhile!”) but I was hurt when he told me that he was heading back to Israel in a month and didn’t want to keep in touch.

This I didn’t get. What’s the big deal with being friends with someone on Facebook?

Take me and my Turkish Delight for example. We spent 4 wonderful hours together and we still keep in touch through Facebook and I met him over a year and a half ago…and he lives on a cruise ship for Christ’s sake!.

So after deleting the Israeli from my phone, I opened up Facebook Messenger to say hello to my Turkish Delight and tell him that I still thought he was a great guy!

Facebook Messenger Chat:

WinterInNYC: Hey! Just wanted to say hello and see how u were.
Turkish Delight: Thanks babe all good working still on the ship.
WinterInNYC: Having fun?
Turkish Delight: Not much 😦 Same old thing. How are you?
WinterInNYC: Bored. I need a vacation. Trying to plan something for the summer.
Turkish Delight: Come here. Come on my ship.
WinterInNYC: Eh. Bad cruise experience…I think I’d rather lay on a beach somewhere.
Turkish Delight: Come down here for a cruise WinterInNYC. You will have a great vacation. Promise!
WinterInNYC: We haven’t seen each other in 1.5 years!
Turkish Delight: Yup! Come! Be my guest! I never forgot our kiss!
WinterInNYC: 🙂 It was a good kiss!

2 days later…..

WinterInNYC: I want to visit.
Turkish Delight: You can babe. Whenever you want. You will be my guest.

4 days later…..

WinterInNYC: Are you sure you want a visitor?
Turkish Delight: I like you. You are a nice girl and you need a vacation. I am here. I will take care of you.
WinterInNYC: I’m nervous.
Turkish Delight: Babe its up to you but if you want to feel happy and if you want me to take care of you come.
WinterInNYC: I want to see you its just scary!
Turkish Delight: Babe this is a huge ship. There are many things to do other than me!
WinterInNYC: Very funny!
Turkish Delight: I will have lots of time to spend with you. Come.

2 days later….

Turkish Delight: Hi babe! What’s up? Are you coming?
WinterInNYC: Hey! Haven’t made up my mind yet….
Turkish Delight: Ok let me know.

1 day later….

WinterInNYC: I’m booked!
Turkish Delight: Awesome!!!

Holy fuck! Now what?!?

2 Night Stay in Vermont ski lodge – $353.10
New ski jacket, ski pants, snow boots and ear warmers – $236.85
2-hour intro to skiing lesson – $75.00
Tubing and Guided Snow Shoe – $45.08
1 bottle of Riesling, 1 bottle of Pinot Grigio and 1 small bottle of Jack Daniels (to help ease the falls) – $30.60
Meeting the only married man on a singles trip – Priceless

A few months back Dr. Habibi forwarded to me an email for a singles weekend ski trip in Vermont.

Reasons for deciding to go:

I had never skied before and wanted to try it.
I had never been to Vermont.
It was a good excuse for buying new clothes.
I needed to get away.
My hair looks awesome in cold weather.
Spending time with Dr. Habibi is always fun!
Maybe I would meet a nice guy?

Reasons I should have stayed home:

I found out that a “singles” “getaway” really means that the single guys need to get away from me!
Before booking I had pictured a romantic rustic ski lodge, sitting on a cozy couch in front of a roaring fire, drinking delicious hot cocoa and having intimate conversations with single men. What I got was a run-down, water damaged shit-hole, sipping horrible $5.99 bottles of Pinot Grigio and having moronic conversations with a married man.
I was on the bunny hill in my adorable new ski outfit and 20 minutes in to my 2-hour ski lesson I fell and twisted my right leg…My injury was so bad that I was in pain for the rest of the weekend, walked around the lodge like I got fucked in the ass the night before (wishful thinking), had to cancel my tubing and snow shoeing expeditions scheduled the next day and was forced to sit alone in the decrepit ski lodge lounge for 5 hours reading a book on my kindle.

The best part of the weekend was when my married getaway boyfriend gave me a pot cookie to help ease my leg pain. I was high as a kite. Glad he was good for something!

For 9 straight gloriously hazy hours I laughed, I cried, I slept, I binged and most importantly I was able to forget that my right leg was fucked and I hadnt been!

Great weekend!

Sierra.

The 1st name at the top of his text message screen, the last person he had texted.

As I scrolled through the messages I got sick to my stomach. He had been texting her the entire time we had cell service on the ship.

He wrote to her, “I was sitting on the balcony last night thinking of all of the things I wanted to do to you.”

I cried.

He had been sitting on the balcony with me.

He wrote to her, “I saw a girl in the club that looked just like you.”

I cried.

He was talking about the girl he called hot in front of me.

I scrolled through dozens of texts. I saw her picture.

I was crying, I was shaking, I was in shock. Even though I knew something was up, and I had my suspicions, confirming that my boyfriend was cheating on me was excruciating.

I finally dragged myself back to the pool, threw his book on the table and told him I was going back to the room.

He saw my face and asked me what was wrong?

I screamed at him, “Who the fuck is Sierra????”

He put his head down.

“Do I need to get tested??”

“No.”

I ran.

For the next hour I cried, I screamed, I moaned, I shook, I kept screaming over and over again, “How could you do this to me?” and “Why?”

He told me it was nothing. “Just a text message thing. We never hung out.”

“Bullshit!” I screamed. “You’ve been a piece of shit boyfriend for months, there is no way in hell that you haven’t seen this girl.”

I was craving to know who she was. I needed to know. How old is she? How did you meet her? When did you meet her? What does she do for a living? Where does she live? Who were you with when you met her?

Some questions he answered. Most he didn’t.

More lies.

At some point Matt couldn’t stand hearing my crying so he left the room.

I picked up the phone not giving a fuck that it was going to cost me $6.00/minute and called my mom.

Matt returned to the room while I was on the phone. I hung up with my mom and he asked me, “You called your mom?”

“Yeah you piece of shit I called my mom. I’m on a boat in the middle of the fucking ocean with no one to talk to.”

With that, Matt started packing. He was getting his own room.

5 minutes later he was gone.

I was alone.

Day 6

I cried.
I slept.
I cried.
I slept.
I cried.
I watched TV.
I slept.
I cried.
I watched TV.
I cried.
I watched TV.
I slept.
I cried.
I watched TV.
I slept.
I cried.
I watched TV.
I slept.
I cried.
I watched TV.
I slept.
I cried.
I watched TV.
I slept.

It was the longest most miserable 24 hours of my life. I was in hell.

Day 7

I saw Matt as we were getting off of the ship. I asked him when he would come pick up his shit from my apartment. He said he would be there later that day.

I got into a cab and headed home.

I walked into my apartment.

I was numb.

We were over.

I don’t have a celebrity look-alike and I kinda wish I did!!!  I think it would be awesome for people to tell me “Wow!! You look just like Kim Kardashian” or “You could be Megan Fox’s twin!” OK – maybe I’m shooting too high!!!

Several years ago, after giving up on JHate.com and NotMyMatch.com I decided to try ANOTHER dating website.  EharmonyAlsoSucks.com allows members to hide their pictures so that you can work on making an emotional connection, not just a physical one.  Before someone will show you their picture, you have to go back and forth asking each other questions.  It’s awesome because at any point during this question/answer exchange you can hit reject on the screen and the other person is notified that you hate them!

Here are some examples of questions you have to answer (because these are the BEST questions to ask when you are trying to find someone to date/marry/fuck):

Q: What three things would you bring on a deserted island? (This is their secret way of finding out how “normal” you are!)

My A: A vibrator, lube and a carton of cigarettes.

Q: What is your ideal date? (This is their secret way of finding out how little money they need to shell out to get you to go out with them!)

My A:  A guy who is not married, pays, doesn’t have bad breath, has hands that are bigger than mine, knows how to kiss, tall enough to see past my nipples and asks me questions about myself…a decent sized penis would also be great!

Q: What would you do for a living if money wasn’t an issue?  (This is their secret way of finding out if you have a good heart and would be charitable or selfish and possibly a gold digger!)

My A: Ummmm…..Nothing!!!  I would sit at home all day watching the Price is Right and Let’s Make a Deal.  I’d order take-out and shop online in between my porn watching and masturbation marathons!

Q: What is your favorite food?  (This is their secret way to try to find out if you are a fat fuck….they are hoping you answer this question with “fruits, steamed veggies, tofu and brown rice!”)

My A: Anything that falls in the carb category.  Since I’m a fat fuck I love bread, cheese with bread, butter with bread, bagels, pizza, anything Mexican and of course dirty martinis with 3 fat olives.

And finally….my absolute favorite question when trying to figure out if we are made for each other…

Q: Who is your celebrity look-alike? (This is their secret way to try to find out what you look like because let’s be real, looks do matter!!! You’re not gonna fuck a Sasquatch!!!)

My A: Ummmm, I really don’t look like anyone in particular.  I guess the closet celeb I can think of is Patty Stanger (before she starting using Sensa).

Patti Stanger!!! Really!!! That’s the best I can do???

So anyway, what prompted this post was a picture I had taken in Italy in 2007.  Robin and I were waiting on a very long line to get a glimpse of the Sistine Chapel.  We got on the line and for about 2 hours we walked and weaved our way through the museum to get to the grand finale.  About an hour into the waiting/walking I looked up and saw a painting that actually stopped me in my tracks.  It was a painting of Jesus, with a nun…. and I kid you not….the nun was me!!!!

Take a look….

Jesus

   Close up of my twin….

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I have to tell you, seeing this painting was fucking freaky!  This is my face!!!  Tell me she doesn’t look like me!!!!!!!

So now I do have a celebrity look-alike – St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, born in 1647!!  She even has her own Wikipedia page!!!

I feel so much better now….

BTW – The answers above are not all of my real answers….of course.  For example, I’d probably leave home the lube and work on making a lubricant from fish oil and coconut milk and instead I’d bring a Jodi Picoult novel to help pass the time.

This past spring I was restless.  I was bored.  I needed to do something with my life!!  I thought a vacation could be fun especially since my last vacation was with my then boyfriend….and while on the trip I found out he was cheating on me….so the relationship ended….before the vacation ended.  It was AWESOME!!!

Since I was single, I figured I should look into a singles tour group.  I’d get away and maybe meet some new friends.

I found a great singles travel site and they were offering tons of trips but I was ecstatic when I saw that they had a trip to Israel in late August.  I had always wanted to visit Israel, and like a shmuck, I regrettably missed out on the birthright trip.

I was scared shitless to take a trip by myself, to Israel, with a bunch of strangers.  I was going, then I wasn’t going, then I was going.  This went on for several weeks.  And then finally I said FUCK IT!!   I’m going – what’s the worst that can happen (besides getting blown up on a bus)?? Even if I hate the people I’m with I’ll be seeing Israel!!!!

I had the time of my life!!!  It was by far the best trip I had ever been on.  I laughed for 10 straight days, saw places I had been dreaming about seeing AND I met some great friends (shout out to Dr. Habibi and The Best Tour Guide for Israel!!!)

Now I don’t know if when people say things they are trying to be insulting or if they just don’t think before they speak and say things that turn out to be rude.  You be the judge…

One day we were in Jerusalem eating in the Jewish Quarter.  Dr. Habibi and I decided to get falafel sandwiches and two other group members joined us.

This sandwich was by no means BIG. It was a standard size pita bread filled with falafel and hummus and veggies.   It was delicious!!!!

Dr. Habibi and I were enjoying our meal and another female in our group (who put nothing in her mouth the entire 10 days except for beer and penis) was holding her “GIGANTIC” sandwich and about 6 times commented on “HOW BIG THIS SANDWICH IS!!!”  Over and over and over again, she kept telling everyone how HUGE it was and how FULL she was and how she couldn’t eat another bite!!!

As I’m forced to listen to her anorexic rant, I continue to eat and SHOCKER….I ate the whole goddamn thing.  How??  Because it tasted great and it was only one fucking pita.  The anorexic ate about a quarter of her sandwich, put it back on her plate and told the entire group how STUFFED she was!  I think she actually rubbed her stomach while she said this!!

Hey anorexic girl….if you don’t want to eat….then don’t fucking eat!!  But stop making it out like I’m a fat slob because I can eat a whole sandwich.  WOAH!!!

It didn’t stop there, later that night, we were deciding where to eat for dinner and the 2 bite sandwich eater made ANOTHER comment that she couldn’t even think about dinner since she was still full from lunch!

I personally think, she knew what she was doing.  It’s fucking rude to make comments about the size of your plate and your inability to eat all of it when others at the table already ate theirs!!!  You think I’m a fat fuck…That’s FINE.  I’m on vacation bitch!!!  I’m going to eat my falafel sandwich….ALL OF IT….and love it!!

My sandwich…                                      Her sandwich…

Pita.1                          Pita.2

Needless to say she was my least favorite person on the trip!

So the finger-fucker and I were entering our 7th month together (my longest relationship ever – go me! – not counting my relationship with my vibrator of course) and I decided it was time to plan a weekend get-away.

All I had ever dreamed about was taking a vacation with a boyfriend. A little packing, a little road head and we would be headed off to champagne shaped bathtubs. Over a bottle of wine and chocolate dipped strawberries, Brian would look into my eyes and tell me he loved me. It had been 7 months – you should fucking love me already!!!!!!!!!

Every time I brought up to Brian that I’d like to go somewhere with him he either dodged the subject or told me that work was busy and he couldn’t commit yet. Dude, you’re a 1st year associate at a NJ law firm, get over yourself!

Then one day Brian breaks the news that he booked a trip to France with a guy friend from college. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????? You have an opportunity to go away with your girlfriend, who blows you every night, and pays for half of your meals and yet you choose to travel to France, with a guy, for 10 days!!! Jesus, am I really that bad at blow jobs??? (..uh for real…that’s not even possible!)

You know what? Go on your damn man trip – I’ll go to Italy with Robin and show you that I’m not needy and insecure and I’ll ignore the fact that you’re never going to love me.

I was so full of it. Part of the reason why I went away was because I knew that if I had stayed home I would have been completely miserable, checking my phone for missed calls or logging into Gmail 50 times a day to see if he had emailed me, (yes, I’m that girl). So instead of being in NYC checking my phone and Gmail account I did it in Italy!!!

For one whole week I roamed Florence and Rome, BITTER! Glaring and making faces (like I just smelled shit) at all of the loving couples vacationing together in such a romantic place. I should be here holding Brian’s hands…..not stuffing gelato into my face with Robin!!

I risked life and limb trying to locate hole in the wall Internet cafes so that I could email Brian and check if he emailed me. I literally walked the streets of Rome, in the dark, with a map in my hands – I was one café away from being casted for Hostel 3. Do you know that the douchebag only wrote me 2 one liner emails the entire time he was away when his travel buddy had a working blackberry the entire time they were in France? He easily could have checked his email and written me everyday if he wanted to…for free.

The signs were adding up and yet I still hoped and prayed he was the one. To add to my pathetic behavior, I had asked Brian before he left for vacation to give me a piece of clothing with his cologne on it so that I could smell him and be reminded of him while we were away from each other (I gag as I write this and hate my 26 year old self so very much!). What piece of garment did he give me??? Guess…come on guess….

***BOXERS***

…..Robin can attest to the fact that for 7 nights in Italy, I fell asleep sniffing a pair of Brian’s underwear. Not creepy/ stalker/ insane girlfriend status at all. Totally normal.

The only good thing about your boyfriend going away on vacation without you are the gifts he returns with for you! I walked the streets of Italy searching for the perfect gift for him and decided on a silk tie and heart shaped pasta (I should have given him shit stuffed ravioli but I didn’t know this at the time, fuck I am always a second too late, ever feel like that?).

Below is the actual box that yes, I have kept for the past 6 years…STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Paperweight Box

Soooo what does a guy buy his girlfriend when he travels to France? A scarf? Perfume? Jewelry?  Not my boyfriend!! Not my finger-fucking non-NYC lawyer who chooses penis over vagina. No, my boyfriend hands me a box filled with….ready…..drum roll please……………

A PAPERWEIGHT!!!!

Paperweight

Come on…is this not the most romantic gift?

As you can see, it was a glass cube, with a dolphin etched inside of it. This fucker isn’t French, it’s not romantic, it isn’t nice and for the record I don’t like dolphins. I’m not a dolphin collector!! There is no way he stood in a store, saw this piece of shit sitting on a shelf and said to himself, “Wow, now that’s what I have to buy my awesome girlfriend!!!” Instead, he probably picked this piece of shit present up – at the airport – in Newark…..in Newark? Like hello? Not even JFK or LaGuardia, how rude… I mean I am from NY asshole.

Needless to say, Brian broke up with me about two weeks later.

As with most of my break-ups I was devastated. No eating (this was  a good thing), no desire to hang out with friends – the normal post relationship suicidal thoughts. I was upset that I had to start over and hated myself for ignoring all of the signs!!!

Some of the signs that I ignored that you shouldn’t…

Refusing to take a trip with me – Never introducing me to his family – Telling me in front of 10 other people that I needed to get on the treadmill if I ate that cupcake – Flaccid penis on more than one occasion.

Ladies – Don’t ignore the signs!