I don’t have a celebrity look-alike and I kinda wish I did!!!  I think it would be awesome for people to tell me “Wow!! You look just like Kim Kardashian” or “You could be Megan Fox’s twin!” OK – maybe I’m shooting too high!!!

Several years ago, after giving up on JHate.com and NotMyMatch.com I decided to try ANOTHER dating website.  EharmonyAlsoSucks.com allows members to hide their pictures so that you can work on making an emotional connection, not just a physical one.  Before someone will show you their picture, you have to go back and forth asking each other questions.  It’s awesome because at any point during this question/answer exchange you can hit reject on the screen and the other person is notified that you hate them!

Here are some examples of questions you have to answer (because these are the BEST questions to ask when you are trying to find someone to date/marry/fuck):

Q: What three things would you bring on a deserted island? (This is their secret way of finding out how “normal” you are!)

My A: A vibrator, lube and a carton of cigarettes.

Q: What is your ideal date? (This is their secret way of finding out how little money they need to shell out to get you to go out with them!)

My A:  A guy who is not married, pays, doesn’t have bad breath, has hands that are bigger than mine, knows how to kiss, tall enough to see past my nipples and asks me questions about myself…a decent sized penis would also be great!

Q: What would you do for a living if money wasn’t an issue?  (This is their secret way of finding out if you have a good heart and would be charitable or selfish and possibly a gold digger!)

My A: Ummmm…..Nothing!!!  I would sit at home all day watching the Price is Right and Let’s Make a Deal.  I’d order take-out and shop online in between my porn watching and masturbation marathons!

Q: What is your favorite food?  (This is their secret way to try to find out if you are a fat fuck….they are hoping you answer this question with “fruits, steamed veggies, tofu and brown rice!”)

My A: Anything that falls in the carb category.  Since I’m a fat fuck I love bread, cheese with bread, butter with bread, bagels, pizza, anything Mexican and of course dirty martinis with 3 fat olives.

And finally….my absolute favorite question when trying to figure out if we are made for each other…

Q: Who is your celebrity look-alike? (This is their secret way to try to find out what you look like because let’s be real, looks do matter!!! You’re not gonna fuck a Sasquatch!!!)

My A: Ummmm, I really don’t look like anyone in particular.  I guess the closet celeb I can think of is Patty Stanger (before she starting using Sensa).

Patti Stanger!!! Really!!! That’s the best I can do???

So anyway, what prompted this post was a picture I had taken in Italy in 2007.  Robin and I were waiting on a very long line to get a glimpse of the Sistine Chapel.  We got on the line and for about 2 hours we walked and weaved our way through the museum to get to the grand finale.  About an hour into the waiting/walking I looked up and saw a painting that actually stopped me in my tracks.  It was a painting of Jesus, with a nun…. and I kid you not….the nun was me!!!!

Take a look….


   Close up of my twin….











I have to tell you, seeing this painting was fucking freaky!  This is my face!!!  Tell me she doesn’t look like me!!!!!!!

So now I do have a celebrity look-alike – St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, born in 1647!!  She even has her own Wikipedia page!!!

I feel so much better now….

BTW – The answers above are not all of my real answers….of course.  For example, I’d probably leave home the lube and work on making a lubricant from fish oil and coconut milk and instead I’d bring a Jodi Picoult novel to help pass the time.